Matt Bailey

Twitter Follower Appreciation pt. 2 : 5,000!

By Matt Bailey on June 19, 2013 in Fans, Snarky

OK kids, as promised it’s time to throw a bone to the best friends a blog could ask for — our snarky Twitter followers! Last month we put together a little thank you once we reached the 3,000 benchmark. This time, you’ve stepped it up a notch with your love & loyalty, so we’ll reciprocate. In 2013, so it’s only polite to throw heaps of praise at individuals we’ll never meet. Did I develop crushes on some of you while I scoured your accounts for funny tweets? It’s possible…. Without further ado, our Melany’s Guydlines Twitter showcase, round 2. Five… Continue Reading

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Matt’s Guydlines to Being a Rock Star (Pt. 2 – The Hair)

By Matt Bailey on June 4, 2013 in Music Biz, Snarky

Alright people, round 2. In the month or so since Pt. 1 – The Instrument was published, you should have been able to master your weapon of choice. Remember, talent is a negligible factor in this equation. Strap on that stringed conundrum and get your ass in front of a mirror. Work on your stance, eyebrow gestures and hip gyrations. Once everything is complementing each other in a hyper-sexualized communion, it’s time to tackle one of the most untamable elements of your rock persona – The Hair. If there’s one steadfast piece of advice I can impart on you in… Continue Reading

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MG’s Billboard Music Awards Recap

By Matt Bailey on May 20, 2013 in Music Biz, Snarky

I’ll be completely honest with you, I had absolutely no plans of the Billboard Music Awards even registering on my conscious this morning. On occasion, I’ll pull up the award results in the days following and snicker at media I’ve never consumed earning trophies for their supposed brilliance. A few awards will always carry some social significance – the Grammy, the Oscar, or the Emmy – and even a few performances have managed to carve out some space in my memory. For the most part, however, we’re thrown corporate fodder at a runtime well north of a Yankees/Red Sox game…. Continue Reading

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Hairstyles of the Stressed Celebrity

By Matt Bailey on May 16, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky

Like a naturally occurring phenomenon, it looks like we have another celebrity meltdown on our hands. The sudden collapse of Amanda Bynes is predictable, yet fascinating. Of course, these things aren’t actually a force of nature, but a product of our perpetual infatuation with stars, particularly those we watch grow up in front of our eyes. Recall your awkward teenage years? Imagine if every day, that stage was under a microscope for snarky housewives to digest like rice cakes. I stumble through cases of writers block without the pressures of constant public attention, so imagine how it must feel to… Continue Reading

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An Ode to the Intern : Libby Graduates!

By Matt Bailey on May 11, 2013 in LOL, Snarky

This weekend while you sit at your local dive and try to make sex eyes at the only person in the room that’s remotely passable, our intern Libby will be donning the cap and gown on the big stage at Loyola Marymount University. A momentous occasion for any young adult. Take for instance this tasteful tweet from yours truly on the day of my graduation. (Cover your eyes Melany’s Mom) Purdue commencement : Why the fuck didn't any of you tell me to skip this? — Matt Bailey (@SonofHilljack) August 4, 2012 Forewarning Libby, everything changes when you step off… Continue Reading

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Matt’s Guydlines to Being a Rock Star (Pt. 1 : The Instrument)

By Matt Bailey on May 4, 2013 in Music Biz, Snarky

I fell down another internet rabbit hole the other night, you guys. I never can remember where these things start, but I can tell you roughly where it ended before I passed out with a pile of jelly beans in the little makeshift crib of my jacket. It’s worth noting that Kobe Bryant has played an exponentially more significant role in my life since I’ve moved to Los Angeles. So it’s not totally random that I read this ridiculously compelling article on Grantland about Kobe’s attempt at a rap career. He’s definitely not the first athlete (or actor, politician etc.)… Continue Reading

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Vegas : “The Great Unimaginable”

By Matt Bailey on April 25, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky

Unless you’re occupying a comfy space underneath a rock, you’ve noticed we’re giving away a weekend getaway package to Las Vegas. As we were throwing around ideas for new content, the focus was on our individual experiences with Sin City. While Emily wondered how she could possibly spin an appropriate Vegas tale (is there such a thing?), I quietly inhaled my cigarette a little more aggressively. You see, my life to this point has been a little….sheltered. Summer is coming up around the corner….and that’s pretty cool, I suppose. There was a point in my life where this was significant… Continue Reading

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The Guidelines For a #Guydline

By Matt Bailey on April 14, 2013 in Goodies

What happens when you combine a tablespoon of snark, a dash of cynicism and heaps of truth? You get a delicious little nugget of credence called the “Guydline”. Guydlines are theories rooted deeply in life’s greatest successes and failures. They’re words to live by, wisdom to share, and if you can find a cool font or latin translation– perhaps something to permanently tattoo on your body. As my father would say, “Big hat, no cattle” or in other words “when they say they are, they are not” (and consider it a friendly warning to ALL of you not be taken… Continue Reading

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Matt’s Guydlines : Dating Dos and Don’ts From Someone Who Shouldn’t Date

By Matt Bailey on April 8, 2013 in Relationships

It’s Sunday night and I’m caught in a deep internet rabbit hole. You know, the kind of night where you spend two hours recollecting the demise of Pauly Shore or scaring yourself into believing that Andrew W.K. is the antichrist. This time, it’s a much darker and more shameful place — checking up on ex-girlfriends on various forms of social media. This one has a new dog. This one has a new….HUSBAND!? I’m happy to see everyone’s moved on here…(Seriously Matt, it was junior year of high school. Did you think she was going to propose to you sometime soon?)… Continue Reading

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Weekend Preview : Final Four Primer

By Matt Bailey on April 4, 2013 in Fans, Snarky

It’s been a long, ugly road to get here. Between the lowest scoring output since 1985 (zzzz) and Kevin Ware treating us to a glance of his skeleton, you might have hopped off the March Madness bandwagon by this point. I’m here to tell you to stick it out, because we have two killer matchups for Saturday in Atlanta. Here’s the guydlines breakdown. (9) Wichita St. v (1) Louisville Saturday, April 6 3:09 PM PT TV: CBS At this stage of the tournament, throw seeds out the window. Actually, at any stage of the tournament, throw logic out the window. Louisville… Continue Reading

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Kevin Ware’s Injury : A Breakdown

By Matt Bailey on April 1, 2013 in Fans, Snarky

Every day — whether I’m conscious of it or not — is an effort to avoid passing out. You see, I deal with an incredibly mild, and completely self-diagnosed case of anxiety disorder. My understanding of the term is thin, but I know it involves phobias, breathing into paper bags and Xanax prescriptions. My issue? I tend to collapse like somebody pulled my plug when I see shit like I saw on Sunday. You could have given me a king size Xannie bar, and it would have had no affect when I saw poor Kevin Ware’s leg snap like something… Continue Reading

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Matt’s Bio

By Matt Bailey on April 1, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky

That being said, one thing we did have was basketball. The iconic, sepia-toned shots of Hoops hanging on barns. Hoosiers for Christ sakes. So when a bleach blonde, Beverly Hills sucker wanted to wax poetic about her perspective on roundball, I’m licking my chops. Enter Arizona Wildcat basketball fanatic Melany G. I wrote a piece that can be found RIGHT HERE that came to Melany’s attention, and as fate would have it, I hardly mention her team from Tucson. In fact, I dive head first into denouncing Pac-12 teams in general, dismissing the current state of West Coast hoops as… Continue Reading

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