Matt Bailey

Matt Bailey's Posts

Twitter Follower Appreciation pt. 2 : 5,000!

Twitter Birds

OK kids, as promised it’s time to throw a bone to the best friends a blog could ask for — our snarky Twitter followers!  Last month we put together a little thank you once we reached the 3,000 benchmark.  This time, you’ve stepped it up a notch with your love & loyalty, so we’ll reciprocate.  In 2013, so it’s only polite to throw heaps of praise at individuals we’ll never meet.  Did I develop crushes on some of you while I scoured your accounts for funny tweets? It’s possible…. Without further ado, our Melany’s Guydlines Twitter showcase, round 2. Five… Continue Reading

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Matt’s Guydlines to Being a Rock Star (Pt. 2 – The Hair)

Alright people, round 2.  In the month or so since Pt. 1 – The Instrument was published, you should have been able to master your weapon of choice.  Remember, talent is a negligible factor in this equation.  Strap on that stringed conundrum and get your ass in front of a mirror.  Work on your stance, eyebrow gestures and hip gyrations.  Once everything is complementing each other in a hyper-sexualized communion, it’s time to tackle one of the most untamable elements of your rock persona – The Hair. If there’s one steadfast piece of advice I can impart on you in… Continue Reading

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A Salute to Our Favorite Twitter Followers!

Tonight, Melany’s Guydlines (@melanyb12) will hit 3,000 followers, and we here at the office are shamelessly proud.  What’s better than having scores of hilarious “friends” to bolster your internet notoriety?  It’s 2013 man, if you don’t have an online posse, you’re a nobody. Seriously though, we’ve been lucky enough to read some funny shit thanks to some snarky virtual companions.  From this point forward we’re going to make a habit of throwing some of our favorite twitter accounts a bone to show our appreciation for your follow. Five Followers That Crack Us Up @chucklesdowner @SmashAshSmash @lwhit_the_boss… Continue Reading

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MG’s Billboard Music Awards Recap

I’ll be completely honest with you, I had absolutely no plans of the Billboard Music Awards even registering on my conscious this morning.  On occasion, I’ll pull up the award results in the days following and snicker at media I’ve never consumed earning trophies for their supposed brilliance.  A few awards will always carry some social significance – the Grammy, the Oscar, or the Emmy – and even a few performances have managed to carve out some space in my memory.  For the most part, however, we’re thrown corporate fodder at a runtime well north of a Yankees/Red Sox game…. Continue Reading

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Strange Celebrity Endorsements : Headphones

It’s no secret that branding makes the world go round.  On a daily basis, we’re exposed to up to 20,000 marketing messages, and most pass right under our nose without us even realizing it.  There’s the obvious ones, like the clothes we wear or the car we drive.  But how about the laundry list of celebrity hot sauces?  Or Shannon Doherty pledging the merits of an online education?  I know my dog only eats food that passed Rachael Ray’s rigorous quality standards. For whatever reason, one product that has become synonymous with the celebrity endorsement in recent years are the headphones…. Continue Reading

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Hairstyles of the Stressed Celebrity

Like a naturally occurring phenomenon, it looks like we have another celebrity meltdown on our hands.  The sudden collapse of Amanda Bynes is predictable, yet fascinating.  Of course, these things aren’t actually a force of nature, but a product of our perpetual infatuation with stars, particularly those we watch grow up in front of our eyes.  Recall your awkward teenage years?  Imagine if every day, that stage was under a microscope for snarky housewives to digest like rice cakes.  I stumble through cases of writers block without the pressures of constant public attention, so imagine how it must feel to… Continue Reading

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An Ode to the Intern : Libby Graduates!

This weekend while you sit at your local dive and try to make sex eyes at the only person in the room that’s remotely passable, our intern Libby will be donning the cap and gown on the big stage at Loyola Marymount University.  A momentous occasion for any young adult.  Take for instance this tasteful tweet from yours truly on the day of my graduation. (Cover your eyes Melany’s Mom) Purdue commencement : Why the fuck didn't any of you tell me to skip this? — Matt Bailey (@SonofHilljack) August 4, 2012 Forewarning Libby, everything changes when you step off… Continue Reading

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Matt’s Guydlines to Being a Rock Star (Pt. 1 : The Instrument)

I fell down another internet rabbit hole the other night, you guys.  I never can remember where these things start, but I can tell you roughly where it ended before I passed out with a pile of jelly beans in the little makeshift crib of my jacket.  It’s worth noting that Kobe Bryant has played an exponentially more significant role in my life since I’ve moved to Los Angeles.  So it’s not totally random that I read this ridiculously compelling article on Grantland about Kobe’s attempt at a rap career.  He’s definitely not the first athlete (or actor, politician etc.)… Continue Reading

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Vegas : “The Great Unimaginable”

Unless you’re occupying a comfy space underneath a rock, you’ve noticed we’re giving away a weekend getaway package to Las Vegas.  As we were throwing around ideas for new content, the focus was on our individual experiences with Sin City.  While Emily wondered how she could possibly spin an appropriate Vegas tale (is there such a thing?), I quietly inhaled my cigarette a little more aggressively.  You see, my life to this point has been a little….sheltered.  Summer is coming up around the corner….and that’s pretty cool, I suppose.  There was a point in my life where this was significant… Continue Reading

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The Guidelines For a #Guydline

Guydlines for life.

What happens when you combine a tablespoon of snark, a dash of cynicism and heaps of truth?  You get a delicious little nugget of credence called the “Guydline”. Guydlines are theories rooted deeply in life’s greatest successes and failures.  They’re words to live by, wisdom to share, and if you can find a cool font or latin translation– perhaps something to permanently tattoo on your body. As my father would say, “Big hat, no cattle” or in other words “when they say they are, they are not” (and consider it a friendly warning to ALL of you not be taken… Continue Reading

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Matt’s Guydlines : Dating Dos and Don’ts From Someone Who Shouldn’t Date

It’s Sunday night and I’m caught in a deep internet rabbit hole.  You know, the kind of night where you spend two hours recollecting the demise of Pauly Shore or scaring yourself into believing that Andrew W.K. is the antichrist.  This time, it’s a much darker and more shameful place — checking up on ex-girlfriends on various forms of social media. This one has a new dog.  This one has a new….HUSBAND!?  I’m happy to see everyone’s moved on here…(Seriously Matt, it was junior year of high school.  Did you think she was going to propose to you sometime soon?)… Continue Reading

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Weekend Preview : Final Four Primer

It’s been a long, ugly road to get here.  Between the lowest scoring output since 1985 (zzzz) and Kevin Ware treating us to a glance of his skeleton, you might have hopped off the March Madness bandwagon by this point.  I’m here to tell you to stick it out, because we have two killer matchups for Saturday in Atlanta.  Here’s the guydlines breakdown. (9) Wichita St. v (1) Louisville Saturday, April 6 3:09 PM PT  TV: CBS At this stage of the tournament, throw seeds out the window.  Actually, at any stage of the tournament, throw logic out the window.  Louisville… Continue Reading

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