Will you go out with me (text or Facebook)?

It is that time of the week where I am compelled to sit down and write something funny but not too offensive because I would not want to alienate my people (trust me, some of the people I know I can DEFINITELY live without). My brain is tired from catching up last week. I did not go out or do anything exciting but still feel like a truck hit me. It could be the “annoyingness” of some of my “so called” friends that flit in and out of my life or the extreme magnetic force running through my body that attracts the weirdest polar (and bi-polar) people.

For example, I went out to breakfast with Teddy Brewski and just as I began to eat my yogurt parfait, I was approached by a nice looking young man. He was tall, dark, and handsome (still not quite sure where this description became the standard for good looking men and how it can refer to Caucasian men?). What more could you ask for?  A LOT! We began to chat and he told me about how much he loved my dog and how cute Teddy Brewski is and I agreed. He continued to tell me that he had two apartments by the beach and that he loved his cats. I love the beach, prefer dogs (but cats are cute) and wondered if he used one of the places for his office and the other to shower and sleep. This could be promising! But, no! Of course, I found the one guy that actually rents an apartment for his 21 cats. GROSS! I am sure that is one too many cats for even the cat lady. It probably smelled fantastic in there. Is that where he brings his dates after a romantic dinner? I can just smell the foul aroma wafting through his apartment and am sure that it leaves a pleasant taste in the back of all of his date’s throats. To top it off, he asked if I was on Facebook and I said “NO but my dog is” and excused myself. Remember when guys used to ask girls for their phone numbers? Now, they ask for your Facebook to stalk your page and dissect your likes before actually committing to a date with you. It is like you are giving the person the ability to do a background check by accepting their friend request. In this case, the cat-man and I are NOT friends. So, in my professional opinion, I think I dodged a bullet there.

Communication has changed so much with the advent of the internet and text messaging. I can’t tell you how many times I am online and a guy has:

1. Asked for my number and never called. This is really weird. Does he collect numbers in a jar?

2. Asked for my number and sent a text message instead of actually calling, which must mean that he has a terrible voice or speech impediment.

3. Asked for my Facebook (you know how I feel about that).

4. Not asked for my number but wasted my time emailing about the dumbest topics. I find it strange how much time guys have to waste emailing and texting without ever wanting to see or hear me to find out if I am living and breathing. Why is this?

Unfortunately, this is the new age world we live in where people lack any type of interpersonal skills. There was one dummy who had attempted to reach me online for months. He finally gave me HIS number (BIG SIGN MELANY BERGER) and I stupidly called him. We spoke for almost an hour and he told me about how he had been shot and stabbed and I asked if he was in a gang (logical question, right). He laughed and explained he worked for the government. That sounded cool. But, he went on to tell me about his job, landlord, favorite food, color, and every detail of his life while I listened patiently on the other end. I just chalked the mumbling to nerves. You know? It is awkward the first chat. He continued to tell me about his favorite type of low fat/low sodium Swiss cheese with exactly 8 holes (not 10) in every slice when he abruptly told me that he would have to call me back. He is probably searching for his perfect “holely” cheese because I never heard from him again. Did I say something wrong? I know I did not (because I could not get a word in edge wise). I am sure he will call when he finds the right amount of holes but I will be talking to a guy who likes American or Provolone. A sure warning sign should have been the fact that he never asked me for MY number.

Then, there was the creatively named “50shadesofgr8t” profile online. I decided to respond to his email because he actually took the time to write an email (not flirt/wink/send smoke signals or whatever lame automatic, non creative way dating sites offer for people to weasel out in an attempt to contact a potential date). The email he wrote was not very creative but full of standard compliments a person uses to copy and paste on every somewhat good-looking girls profile. Well, I did not read his profile claiming that he is constantly compared to the guy in the “50 Shades of Grey” trilogy (I have not read it and from what I have heard, I am not THAT desperate). He also wrote a few paragraphs on how well endowed he was and that no woman would be disappointed. Well, I read all of this after giving him my number. Big mistake. No surprise that he was a texter first. DELETE!

funny dating storiesThis poor communication is not just limited to my dating life. Unfortunately, it exists in my day-to-day life with work and friends. I just find it so weird where you meet people and how they come in and out of your life. I always wonder if people have friends that they solely communicate with via text and facebook? Aren’t these people called “pen pals” and when did this become the standard for communication? It used to be fun to talk to my friends on the phone and laugh without writing “LOL” or a smiley face. The only people I talk to on the phone are my parents, people to make appointments, reservations, complaints, and oldest friends whose phone numbers I used to know by heart. Now, we all have different numbers and I just let my I-phone take care of storing that information. God forbid we had to use our brain for information like this. Thankfully, I still memorized my parents phone number (before the advent of the address book on the iphone) and would have a lifeline if I were ever to need to make one phone call. When did we become so lazy that it was just easier to text or send a Facebook message? I am sometimes at fault, but always make sure to pick up a phone and call so that the friend on the other line can actually hear my voice and make sure that I have not taken up sucking helium as a hobby.

Hopefully, the few personal interactions we still have can be preserved. I know we can “like” presidential candidates online and support them through social media, but I hope that we are never allowed to text our vote for president. Some things are sacred, right? I also pray that we can never get married via text. Just because you can text it and facebook it, does not mean its right.

Melany’s Guydline #23 –If we can start having babies via facebook and text, I am moving to Mars.

**Stay snarky my friends!**

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17 Responses to Will you go out with me (text or Facebook)?

  1. Kristen November 13, 2012 at 9:54 am #

    “I’ve come to realize that guys are like drugs, either they’ll kill you or give you the most amazing high of your life.”-Carrie Bradshaw

    • Melany November 13, 2012 at 10:35 am #

      Great quote!! And very true.

  2. rob November 13, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    Great blog. Funny, I think I am one of those guys. Too easy. No hassle. I guess I should take a lesson from this.

  3. Dave Kevoe November 13, 2012 at 10:42 am #

    Ugh Melany Berger. There are a couple of things I take away from this. 1) Since I know you at least a little bit, I know you have over 1100 friends on Facebook. I even know that at least one of them you have never met face to face. You talk about people collecting Facebook addresses so they can stalk you. Why do you collect facebook addresses?

    2) It is a new age, there are a lot of things I wish could go back the way they were such as playing outside more, not having to use a calculator for all your math needs. However technology does make it easier, although I do feel our nation is much more lazy.

    3) I think people have been married through skype. It would not surprise me especially maybe people who are in military over seas.

    Ok, that’s my two cents from a jew.

    • Melany November 13, 2012 at 5:37 pm #

      You are right! There is one person (maybe 2) that I have not met in person! But, that person loves my blog! Also – he requested me 🙂

  4. miguel nolasco November 13, 2012 at 10:51 am #

    YOU are so right on , on this Facebook BS, texting thing,etc. .I have been given phone no.s by strange women that I met while out and about. DO I called them or just take the easy way out by texting . I do none of that, I just go back where I met them ,because they say “i go there often”. But they never do show up again. So I dont worry about calling or texting them at all.. If I do see them again I tell them ” I forgot to press save on the contacts button of my phone and I got to busy with helping a friend or work. And that I have not gone out since I met them or even go back where I met them. Melany ,you and I have had the same problems with dating. That’s why I can relate to everything I have read from YOU BLOGS.

  5. Esther Wells November 14, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

    Hi Melany Just catching up on your Blogs. Keep telling it like it is,you are causing me to laugh so hard that my ribs might break. If that should happen I will send you the Drs bill. Ha Ha Love You

    • Melany November 14, 2012 at 11:58 pm #

      Happy I can give you a good laugh! Yes- send me the bill 🙂 Hope you are well.

  6. Eugene Farley November 29, 2012 at 12:19 am #

    I dont know how I found this site, but I am glad I did. I am 62yrs old and have so many weird dating tales. But I like yours better. Probably the way you express them. I think it is all about energy. Some people draw people who suck the energy out of a room. There is a visualization trick that may help. Write down on a piece of paper exactly what you are looking for. Make the list as complete as you can, actually seeing this person in your minds eye. Now post the list some place that you will pass by often. each time you pass by the list take time to stop, focus on the list, and say to yourself ( this is the person I want to share my life with ). Let me know how it works out for you. wishing the best for you.

    • Melany November 29, 2012 at 12:35 am #

      I am happy you did too! Thanks for all the comments and pass along to people with a good sense of humor. Will let you know about the trick 🙂

  7. AZ November 29, 2012 at 3:49 pm #

    Just found your blog purely by accident. You seem to have remarkable perception and are not afraid to say what you think. That is one of the first things I notice when meeting a woman for the first time. I’m sure you know what other men “notice” first. The other thing I “see” first off is her eyes. Why are women blessed with such beautiful eyes and not men? Well, some guys have great eyes I’m sure but it seems like a disproportionate ratio.

    If I can make a woman laugh, and I don’t mean laugh just to be polite, then she has made my day. And I am glad I met her.

    • Melany November 29, 2012 at 7:34 pm #

      Thanks for finding me and for leaving a comment! Welcome and happy you enjoy my writing. Love it when someone makes me laugh….

  8. Ryan December 3, 2012 at 8:55 am #

    Funny blog indeed. To answer one of the questions about why guys have poor communication I’ll quote you from above and address below.

    “4. Not asked for my number but wasted my time emailing about the dumbest topics. I find it strange how much time guys have to waste emailing and texting without ever wanting to see or hear me to find out if I am living and breathing. Why is this?”

    Answer: With the invention of impersonal communication (text/email) it’s allowed many males who came up with absentee fathers or poor role models to perpetuate a lack of communication that mos of us didn’t have anyway. I mean think about it…males aren’t the communicative one of our genders. Women are. Before texting and email, we just couldn’t communicate with you across the United States, now we can just show you how poor some of us are at it. To be clear, I’m not male bashing, I’ve just seen enough to know, so many guys are just not talkers, have the ability to express feelings because we aren’t taught to. How often does “Johnny’s dad” say, “Son, that girl you didn’t get the date with, how’d that make you feel?” It’s much more likely that little Johnny hangs with his friends and tells them how much he hates that little ____ and she’s dumb. Really? Johnny clearly has feelings for her…just doesn’t know how to express ’em. Anyway, my two cents. Oh, and if you give me your number, guaranteed, I’ll call ya.

    • Melany December 3, 2012 at 9:12 am #

      LOL! That is awesome. Thank you for writing in! I really appreciate the feedback and comments. Flattered indeed.

  9. fail blog January 17, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

    Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wished to mention that I have really enjoyed surfing around your blog posts. In any case I will be subscribing in your rss feed and I hope you write again very soon!

  10. Gary April 8, 2013 at 2:12 pm #

    Melany, I just found your blog on Lamebook, and think you are really funny(and unfortunately spot on)

    • Melany April 8, 2013 at 6:03 pm #

      Awesome! Welcome Gary! Happy you liked it and thanks for the comment.

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