Why does the song go “On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me”? Are there more than 2 days of Christmas? I am confused. Anyway, I know there are 8 days of Hanukkah. Maybe someone got that mixed up in the song. And what did your other love give you? What other kind of love is there if it is not true? Hmmmmm……Anyway –
I am looking forward to my New Years Resolution! I have new office space for 2013! I am so excited that I can write and make you laugh all day long in the quiet of my office in Hollywood. For any of you that know LA, it is not quiet there and that is just the way I like it. After visiting the new office space, my eyes devoured so much fantastic, future material for the blog that I needed to take an aspirin. Hollyweird at its finest, stay tuned……
So, when mom was visiting last week, we toured several athletic clubs. The first was full of beautiful people made out of wax. These people do not smell and they do not eat. I know this because when I saw the girls working out, they turned sideways, and disappeared. I don’t think they actually serve juice in that café so I am not sure what the point of that amenity was. These people have not eaten since the 90’s but they look great in skinny jeggings. It was a beautiful and very bright facility but I still wanted to visit a few more just in case I want to eat in the year 2013 and still blend in.
The next gym, was interesting. Let me just tell you that the smell is still permeating my nostril hairs and I have had nightmares of large, naked women walking around my bathroom ever since.
However, I knew I found my gym when I reached the third place. It was in a cool spot in Hollywood near coffee and several bars (this is a huge plus because I always need a suggestion for a possible place to mingle with fellow, sweaty, workout people). There is a market there (which I will never go to because if I stop eating now I can achieve my New Years Resolution). The spa near the gym does not hurt either. What is the difference really from laying down and having someone work you out or if you stand up and do it yourself? Nothing! Just take a steam and you will sweat just as much as you do running from the non-existent person behind your treadmill.
But, none of these reasons sealed the deal to join this gym. It was something else. The guy was super cute who showed us around the gym with dark walls and green and pink lights. He pointed out the DJ deck and made sure to tell me about the monthly happy hours. After walking around and staring at the people to make sure there are some cute prospects (and that they eat and maybe smell a little), we took a seat by his desk. He explained to me that because I have IMDB credits (thank you movie people who filmed at my house) that I was eligible for a steal of a deal. Half off! It was ridiculous. I told him that I was going to go home and compare schedules of classes of the first gym and let him know the following day. He excused himself and called for reinforcements. Next thing I know this tall, skinny, larger than life man enters our little sitting area. He sits down to explain why this gym is better than the other I was considering and tells me that I can try free for 5 days. If I am unsatisfied, I can cancel at any time. Sounds good? I start chit-chatting with the sales associate and give him my information to successfully knock something else off my New Years Resolution list. Join new gym. CHECK.
The manager continues talking with my chatty mother and they start chatting about me (of course, she is one proud mommy). She tells him about my single girl blog and new office space and asks if he knows anyone single for me (Uh – thanks). He tells her that he will take good care of me and as we are wrapping up the final details of the contract ,Teddy Brewski’s name is mentioned. The manager asks what kind of dog he is and I answer that he is a Havanese. Of course, no one knows these dogs so I tell him that he is from Cuba – (Havana – Havanese).
After explaining the origin of the Havanse, mom then turns to the manager and asks, “What are you?” He replies that he is a mix and mom says she figured that but, “What are you?” He places his hands on his hips and leans to one side, flexing his tight ass (molded in jeans I could only pray fit me following 2 hours of Zumba a day) towards the large weight lifting room behind him which is now full of people because it is 5PM. He takes a step towards us in his brand new blue and white sneakers that looked as if they had never seen a day in or out of the gym. Grabbing his blue scarf, he wraps it aggressively behind his well-coifed hair and it lays perfectly on his white and blue sweater. He lets out a sigh as if he was going to tell us his entire family history with all the trials and tribulations of getting to America. Tilting his head sideways (like Teddy does when I make high pitched sounds) the manager explains in an octave only dogs usually hear, “I am a BIG FAT HOMOSEXUAL!” He smiles and lets out a “He-He, what, that’s what I am?” Bursting out laughing, mom replies “I knew that, but what are you?” She then explained that we are from San Francisco.
Following this somewhat dramatic exchange, he hugged and kissed my mother as if we were his long lost fag hags from Cuba. As he bid us “adieu” for the evening, he waltzed out as swiftly as he made his entrance (he smelled really good, wonder if he uses unisex cologne). His fairy work was done. CHECK -another new member. Don’t think they will forget mom or I any time soon (he tried to sign her up but the only reason she said no was because she lives 500 miles away). I have a feeling he could sell ice to the Eskimos and maybe I need to take a class or two from him along with the pole dancing.
Melany’s Guydline # 28 – A big fat homosexual is a great salesman, matchmaker, and can give you great recommendations for perfume.
**Stay snarky my friends!**