I learned a few things this weekend.
1. Melany is a very popular porn star name and I know this because when Google-ing my name (with the letter “Y” at the end) you will not find it on a Coke bottle, key chain but will find that it is a chosen name for a lot of porn stars. Just look at the images. Google it. See me in the midst of those women. Yeah.
So, mom has looked into changing this melodic spelling for me legally. I will keep you updated.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a porn star.
2. Never, ever, ever go on a Tinder date on a weekend. The answer always should be that you are busy. Trust me!
3. If your body tells you it is tired, it is and you should sleep. Do not try and fight through it or you will end up sending text messages to people with thoughts you were not trying to convey. Spell check is an asshole.
4. Wear cowboy or cowgirl boots to cowboy or cowgirl places because if not you will look like an idiot and bring home an entire dust barn in your shoes.
5. Don’t Google ingrown hair pictures. Trust me again.
6. Don’t Google your common hangover symptoms because you will come to the conclusion of something much more sinister and will be scarred for life from the images.
7. Don’t Google so much. It is bad for your health.
8. When going golfing wear a Metallica shirt to stand out. Actually, wear a Metallica shirt every day, if you are looking for a date.
9. Walk your dog named Teddy Brewski while wearing your Metallica shirt, while looking for a date. Guys love Metallica and football. Why didn’t I figure this out before?
10. Watch your step especially when joking around on the second story of a golf place! It is a LONG way down.
11. Only attend a group fitness class if you can be sure the instructor has good taste in music. You do not want to workout to a half rate, Paris Hilton remixed versions of horrible adult contemporary songs.
#10, is a very important point in which I would like to expand on. First, obviously, I have great taste in music demonstrated by my taste in clothing evident in #8 & #9 above. So, when I went to workout with a friend last week I was horrified with the abuse inflicted upon my ears and heart from an instructor teaching an insane body pump/fitness (throw every piece of workout equipment you can think of into the) class. We started off weak with some music better suited for an elevator rather than a class set to kick your ass and make you sweat at the crack of dawn on a Friday morning. The best part of this entire class was when I looked over to my friend and screamed, “I hate the F@#$#@ music. It sucks” and she looked at me and asked me to tell her how I really felt about it. That is how I felt.
Listen, I know not everyone enjoys the same hardcore rock that I love but come on!
This class would have been better with any tunes other than the selections this instructor played. Even if Metallica, Godsmack or good EDM DJ’s were not in her playlist she could have earned a return visit from me if she chose something from a good oldies play list with the tempo sped way up. I grew up on oldies music and love it! Just throw a beat behind it and go. Why do you think so many artists remix old tunes?
I should send her a note with an oldies music jukebox suggestion. Then, we could agree on a happy medium jukebox and I could get over my audio ADD and continue to work out.
“Your music could use some help – how about something from an oldies music jukebox? How about some James Brown? Go to that app and get it! Your music is horrible and if you continue to play that crap I will never step foot in your class again. Ok?
Thanks and will be back once you rock a jam that I can move to!”
You think that would work? Well, I am going to do it and GET ON THE GOOD FOOT for my next class. BAM! (Seriously, that is my JAM!)
**Stay snarky my friends!**