After a quick look through the latest posts it is depressingly obvious that my dating life is non-existent due to the lack of material posted recently. I can’t remember the last time I was actually asked out. I get a lot of “aren’t you worried that no one will ask you out because of your blog” and requests from guys from my past asking to meet for lunch but no follow up. I just don’t understand men today. Even if we are to become friends, shouldn’t you still follow up after the initial email? Are you all really scared of a phone? Do your fingers only work to text message?
I see a lot of my friends on their first (or second marriage) with kids (that are almost as tall as me) and wonder what the hell did I do to miss the bus?
I honestly think that I didn’t miss a bus but dodged a bullet with my past relationship history. One of my longest relationships has to do with a guy I dated in and out of college for many years. He was another candidate that was great on paper but had nothing to back up his credentials other than the fact that he was the most FUN person I have ever met (until this day). Let’s be honest, he was dumb. Being fun was the best and worst part of him. I finally think that I got that “fun” guy attraction out of my system at the ripe age of 29 (again a few times this yea).
So, lets just call him “Chance” for now and I tell you that I took a huge Chance with him that I am lucky to be walking and talking cohesively today after surviving our numerous breakups and reunion tours. That is what they are – reunion tours. If he is an ex, he is that for a reason.
Chance stormed into my life with a bang. He was tall, had an amazing body, fantastic laugh, and could light up a room (until he took shots of beer from actual shot glasses and turned into SATAN). Yes, this should have been a huge red flag for most girls but I thought it was FUN. The plus side is we got to use all of our vacation souvenir shot glasses and had a blast doing whatever it is we did (still a little hazy). I know there had to be something else great about him if I stayed with him for such a long time right?
Well – let me break it down for you.
-Don’t date a former model. They enjoy looking at themselves in the mirror more than they enjoy looking at their significant other. Trust me.
-When you have to tell your boyfriend to shower and he replies that he only showers every other day (every 3 days) –RUN.
-If his cologne smells like beer, it probably is and that is never a good sign.
-Impressing a girl does not include buying the ENTIRE bar drinks and having every patron back to his house to celebrate your anniversary.
-If he tells you that you look like a slut in something he picked out for you to wear once you get to a public establishment, then he is an asshole.
-Don’t think twice if he hates his mother- RUN.
-Don’t think twice if he hates his father – RUN.
-If you can’t be sure what his actual age is then I suggest you RUN too.
-If when asked what he wants to do with his life and by his mid-20’s he still has no answer then that is a bad sign.
-If he sleeps in GI Joe sheets, that too is a bad sign.
-Gifts that come from a strip club and marijuana dispensary do not count.
-When he gets wasted and suddenly is completely unreachable for days, I suggest you move on.
-He should not hate all of your friends.
-He should know how to make scrambled eggs.
-If he suddenly has exceptional skills like dancing, he may be a stripper.
-Shots of miniature liquor bottles are still full with alcohol and 4 shots in a row does not constitute a sober driver.
-Telling you to drink your wine whenever you ask a question probably means he has no answers.
-Driving a golf cart for fun through the washes of Tucson, Arizona while wasted is not a date.
-You should decline after watching him fish a box out of the dumpster in his trunk (containing all his possessions) at bar and presenting you with a diamond ring. Tell him you lost your ring finger.
-If your parents threaten to disown you for dating this guy, he probably isn’t the best choice in a mate.
-Finding out that he has rented a gold Jaguar to drive across the Mexican border and being asked to drive the car back because there are check points is a sign that maybe he does not have a license.
-Knowing that his dad owns an island in Saipan (wherever that is) is questionable at best.
-Seeing a driver’s license from said island as his official form of ID is a good hint that he may not have a valid license and is probably wanted by the police.
Melanysguydlines #41 – If the police stop and ask if you know the man sitting next to you in the car, say “no” you were kidnapped (YES THIS IS ALL TRUE).
**Stay snarky my friends!**