Do-Do’s & Don’ts of Dating: Don’t Pee On My Parade

Since I did win in the Sex, Dating and Relationships category yesterday I thought I would share with you a funny ditty. Here goes….

You know how bad and non-existent dating is in the city of angels because I have told you over and over again. So, why not import someone? I did just that with my last tour mate. He hailed from the desert and we had known each other for quite sometime so I thought that this could be a real keeper until our last rendez vous ended in disaster somewhere between the Boulevard of Broken Dreams and the Grand Canyon.

I could not understand why he didn’t want to spend more time with me and then I remembered the one time he did visit Los Angeles that Teddy Brewski behaved a little strangely. And by strange –I mean he jumped on (lets call him Magic Mike) Magic Mike and left a steaming, hot present right on top of him while he was sleeping in my bed. It was on the comforter but none-the-less right on top of poor Ralph. Not the best first doggie impression – probably not. But, you know they say that dogs know best so maybe I should have pulled the plug on this “steamy” relationship right then and there.

Why didn’t I listen (er…smell Teddy Brewski’s advice then)? To add insult to injury, the last time Magic Mike and I hung out a bunch of us got a little more than tipsy and a few of people ended up staying in a hotel room. Sleepover! It was all fun and games until Magic Mike nudged me and I heard him yell, “What the hell are you doing?” which is when I noticed my friend (lets call her Ginger) Ginger “accidently” in the process of relieving herself in the middle of our hotel room. That was bad but what made it worse is that her aim was right on all of Magic Mike’s clothes. So, I did what any good “dater” would do and took his clothes to rinse the golden shower in the shower of course. The only problem was Magic Mike had no other clothes to wear home and we had to sneak him out of the hotel room in a white hotel towel, dress socks and dress shoes. I am sure no one noticed or that is at least what we told him. Trust me – they noticed. One of the last times I saw him he was running into his garage in a white terry cloth wrapped around his waist, with black dress socks, and Armani shoes. I guess he didn’t enjoy getting shit and pissed on by my friends and Teddy Brewski. But I would still totally date me! It wasn’t me – I have full control of all of my bodily functions. I swear.

Do-Do’s & Don’ts of Dating: Don’t Pee On My Parade

Do-Do’s & Don’ts of Dating: Don’t Pee On My Parade

In the end, I guess he got me back because we gave it one last shot (but not that way) and I decided to go visit him. He picked me up from the airport, loaded my overly packed new, red, suitcase in the back of his car. He closed the hatch and we took off on our merry little way. It was just us minus my shitting and pissing friends or dog. What could go wrong? You ask? Well, we were not 500 yards away from where he picked me up from baggage claim when we saw a police man motioning for us to pull over and blowing his whistle like a rave kid up for days. Ah shit! What now? Oh nothing but my suitcase was lying in the middle of the 4-lane street at the airport. He “forgot” to close the hatch. I am sure he was just doing his best nonchalant check of my belongings to make sure I had no animals or friends in my suitcase that planned on relieving themselves on him during my trip. If I did, they would not have survived the crash. Trust me. What did I do? Well, what could I do? I just told him that he better pray it was not my laptop because if it was how would I be able to write this story for the blog? Obviously, it wasn’t and the only casualty was a brush and a few hair products in which he never heard the end of their demise.

This was the final show and end of our tour. It was a successful run, don’t you think? So, currently I am available for tour dates if you know any solo artists that need an opener.

Melanysguydlines #68 – Don’t let your friends or dog relieve themselves on your date if you want another date.

**Thanks to Magic Mike and Ginger for their approval of this message for international distribution.

**Stay snarky my friends!**

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33 Responses to Do-Do’s & Don’ts of Dating: Don’t Pee On My Parade

  1. Anne June 3, 2014 at 4:38 pm #

    OH Geeeeez!!! I hope my upcoming visit with our mutual friend doesn’t have any mishaps……
    Pure gold as always!

    • Melany June 3, 2014 at 6:28 pm #

      HA! Literally gold – lol!

      • Anne June 3, 2014 at 7:15 pm #

        LMAO!!!! Not quite what I meant, but fitting!!!

        • Melany June 3, 2014 at 7:18 pm #


  2. caroline June 3, 2014 at 9:45 pm #

    You had me rolling on the floor. Wish I could have been there. Too funny.

    • Melany June 4, 2014 at 6:43 am #

      Right? I was rolling too!

  3. Charlotte June 4, 2014 at 7:57 am #

    LMAO!! OMG, this is hysterical. Poor guy. Then again, the dogs always know 🙂 They have a sense for this kind of thing!

    Happy adventures in dating to you 🙂

    • Melany June 4, 2014 at 1:07 pm #

      Dogs know best – always trust a dog!

  4. Heather June 4, 2014 at 8:52 am #

    Teddy Brewski early warning system! lol

    • Melany June 4, 2014 at 1:54 pm #

      HA! Totally – maybe I could market that as a product?

  5. Helene June 4, 2014 at 9:23 am #

    omg that is unreal! I mean at least you did the nicest thing you could do- right?!

    • Melany June 4, 2014 at 1:54 pm #

      HA! I thought so – too funny.

  6. Karen Peterson June 4, 2014 at 9:27 am #

    Oh my! That’s just crazy!

    • Melany June 4, 2014 at 1:51 pm #

      Isn’t it? I am still laughing! LOL

  7. Marrie June 4, 2014 at 10:27 am #

    Hilarious! The only way this could have been any more epic is if there were an accompanying video! Re-enactment perhaps? LMAO

    • Melany June 4, 2014 at 1:07 pm #

      OMG – yes that would have been EPIC!

    • Edward McMahon June 4, 2014 at 6:39 pm #

      That would give new meaning to the term “streaming video”. Don’t mind me, just passing through.

      • Melany June 4, 2014 at 11:59 pm #

        AHHHAAAA – yes, it would! I love having you here and appreciate the comments too! Thanks

  8. Boston Single Girl (@BostnSingleGirl) June 4, 2014 at 2:21 pm #

    HAHA, aaww poor guy! First he gets shit on and then he gets pissed on. Did he at least get laid either time? Hilarious post! 😉

    • Melany June 5, 2014 at 12:00 am #

      HA! LOL – a lady never tells things like that.

  9. Meena Avery June 5, 2014 at 6:41 am #

    LOL…OMG too funny!

    • Melany June 5, 2014 at 6:42 am #

      HAHAHAHA! Right?

  10. mr X June 6, 2014 at 8:37 am #

    LMAO… Poor guy. I guess some dudes are just unlucky regardless of how hard they try.

    • Melany June 9, 2014 at 9:07 am #

      Right? Poor Magic Mike! LOL

  11. Single Dating Diva June 7, 2014 at 10:44 am #

    Wow … that’s hilarious. Talk about embarrassing! Poor guy.

    • Melany June 9, 2014 at 9:06 am #

      I know -right? LOL!

  12. Stephanie June 7, 2014 at 9:12 pm #

    How does this shit (literally and figuratively) only happen to you. Needed a laugh tonight. Your website is always where I go when it’s needed

    • Melany June 9, 2014 at 9:06 am #

      Awww girl! Thanks for the note! Happy I can supply you with laughs! HAHAHA! And this “shit” only happens to me – always has!

  13. Jay August 4, 2014 at 12:51 pm #

    Wow! That’s insane! Funny, but still wild!

    • Melany August 4, 2014 at 9:48 pm #

      HA – I need to do a part 2!

      • Jay August 6, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

        LOL! Seriously?! I can’t wait to find out what happened Melany!

        • Melany August 7, 2014 at 6:51 am #

          Ha…… me too!

  14. Lisa September 21, 2014 at 4:27 pm #

    This is 1 of the only things that put a smile on my face today! Thanks Mel!!

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