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Dating: 16 Reasons I Swiped & X’d Your Face on Tinder

I first heard about Tinder, the dating app, a few years back when I saw a super risqué AD on a billboard driving down Sunset Blvd in Hollywood. Someone told me that it was just a hook up site for guys that were not interested in me – just interested in each other. So, I disregarded this little app for quite sometime until a friend suggested I give it a try a few months back. To my surprise there were a lot of guys looking for girls and I threw my hat in the ring. Why not? Right? It really could not get any worse than what I am doing now and that is dating my blog. Plus, if I hit it off with someone we could tell our kids that we met on Tinder and they will have no idea what the hell it is because social media apps do not have the longevity of something like say…… meeting through a mutual friend, organically or at a bar? Does that ever happen anymore? Not to me.

This app is easy which means I am easy too? Not in that way but in a light, fun loving and ready to go out at any time way. BTW – try explaining to people what you do for work on a dating site when your profession is social media? They usually ask what I do and I answer, “I work in social media” because I am too google’able and would rather tell them first about myself before they judge what is online. Then, of course they ask what kind? I say “entertainment” and I am an idiot because I didn’t realize that they probably think I am an escort. I am not but I do write a blog about dating, which may scare some guys, the wrong guys, but some guys. Just a thought- LOL

While perusing the app it occurred to me the new and improved Melany is still picky but working on having better taste. I have set “guydlines” and here are some of the reasons I swipe or x a potential suitors face while surfing for a keeper.

1. No Picture.
Just a boring grey cutout in the shape of what I think is a person. I see you put a lot of time into your profile on a site that requires no writing. I am sure you will put equal amount of time into a relationship, date or even a phone call. Right?

Reasons I swiped no on tinder

What an ass!

2. Selfie in bathroom/room.
I hate this word but you know people do it – like A LOT! I suck at selfies because I am short and my arms are horizontally challenged as well. Guys taking selfies is just too weird. If they throw in the duck lips, I have a new meme for the blog but still strike out in the dating department.
Do I really need to say that guys should stop taking more selfies than me? THEY should! Also, what is up with all of these messy people taking selfies, posting them and not noticing the enormous pile of shit in their room?

stop taking selfies guys

Guys -just stop!

3. No shirt.
You don’t see me posting pics with no shirt on. That is another type of site that you probably would assume I work for in social media, but I don’t. I get that you work out and that is great but I can tell you work out through your shirt. K? Do another push up/ pull up because your muscle milk is wearing off.

Reasons I swiped no on tinder

Yeah – I get it.

4. Legal Proof
Is that a mugshot or a new photo you think you look good in? Not sure if I should swipe or call the police for you taking the pic or posting it because you have such horrendous taste and actually think you look attractive in the shot?

5. On your motorcycle, boat, 10 speed, buggy or people mover.
Yes, we all move around this world in machines powered by an engine and I am happy that you like to share that, but really?

6. With a baby.
Is that one of yours or some random ladies borrowed for your profile picture because you read on some stupid dating site that it would be a good idea to take a pic with a baby?

7. Animals other than a dog.
I am a dog person. Sorry. (Lions, tigers and bears are ok though).

 

Reasons I swiped no on tinder

Cheetahs are ok too – I guess??

8. Every picture you have a drink in your hand.
Thirsty? You are probably a drunk, drunk or going to be drunk the entire time I know you. Been there – done that. Pass.

Reasons I swiped no on tinder

Man down.

9. Hairy.
You have more hair on your face than your chest. Shave it.

10. Orange Glow.
Looks like you fell asleep in a sun tanning bed with a faulty timer – aka tanorexic.

11. Too, too pretty.
I don’t want you looking at yourself in the mirror more than me.

12. With a group of girls.
Your mom? Friend? Girlfriend? Mistress? Wife? Well, I would never know which one since there is no explanation under the pic.

13. Holding a yoga pose in the middle of a desert.
I get it. You are fit and you travel. Great but I can’t see your face.

14. Sitting down.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Are you shorter than me? That is going to be a deal breaker because the closet housing my designer shoes says so.

15. Picture that is faded and obviously from 20 years ago.
Will assume you live in a dungeon, have no friends and will wonder how you even accessed an app because you could not possibly own a smart phone without one current picture of yourself in the library. Or, you are just not that cute anymore.

16. Holding a wad of cash.
They have something called a bank but good to know that you rock at Monopoly. Too bad that the game does not earn you interest to invest in a new pic!

tinder fail


Sorry Gingers, Hairies, and guys holding wads of cash!

Did I forget anything else?

**Stay snarky my friends!**

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26 Responses to Dating: 16 Reasons I Swiped & X’d Your Face on Tinder

  1. Miguel Nolasco July 21, 2014 at 10:24 am #

    OMG …I can’t stop laughing after reading this blog
    ..I can’t stop…help me …please !!! Great blog Melany

    • Melany July 21, 2014 at 10:27 am #

      HA thanks Miguel! Happy Monday and tindering!

  2. Diane July 21, 2014 at 11:41 am #

    I need to try this site! I will take your advice and pass it on. Ha.

    • Melany July 22, 2014 at 11:32 am #

      Try it and let me know!

  3. Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) July 21, 2014 at 6:02 pm #

    Ha! Now I want to go on Tinder just to see these types of pics! Wads of cash? Seriously? Too funny!

    • Melany July 22, 2014 at 11:31 am #

      Ha! Yes, jump on there. It is too funny but depressing at the same time!

  4. Don July 21, 2014 at 6:29 pm #

    OMG, I loves me some dating/relationship advice blogs! Not for me as I’m spoken for, but I find the train wrecks that other folks call dating to be fascinating! You have a lot of rules about pictures here so you must be a tough person to get to message with on those sites. Is that how it works? Messaging? I’m old and not tech savvy anymore. I clicked here because I’ve heard the word Tinder before, but had no clue it was a dating site. Is that all it is? Wait, I’m thinking about Tumblr! That’s a thing, correct? Sorry, I’ve lost touch with this comment. Found you via Darcy Perdu (funny as fuck) and will be back for more! If I’m ever single again, I know a Tiger I can borrow. Can I sit on the tiger or is standing the way to go all the time? Okay, bye.

    • Melany July 22, 2014 at 11:00 am #

      HAHA! You are hilarious! Thanks for the comment and happy I could give you a laugh and enlighten you to the train wrecks that inhabit a little app called Tinder.

  5. Jill July 21, 2014 at 8:07 pm #

    I just recently joined the world of Tinder and OMG I have pretty much been exposed to lowest rung of humanity on there! I’ve gotten more lewd messages than I’d like to recount too. However I’m holding out hope that I’m going to find a diamond in the rough somewhere ! Best of luck to you as well, may the force be with you 🙂

    • Melany July 22, 2014 at 7:25 am #

      IT is totally OMG for some of the people on there, right? Good luck to you and if I find twin diamonds in the rough – I will keep you in mind!

  6. Elli Raine (@1SingleLadyBug) July 23, 2014 at 7:51 pm #

    Haha oh you made me laugh with this article because its just so darn true! There are some good ones on Tinder, but it is the proverbial needle in a haystack!

    • Melany July 23, 2014 at 9:30 pm #

      Right? OMG – I think I need to do a part II

  7. Karen Peterson July 24, 2014 at 4:43 am #

    Yes, yes, yes to all of these!

    • Melany July 24, 2014 at 10:37 am #

      Right? I think I need to do a part 2!!

  8. Meena Avery (@tweettoimpress) July 24, 2014 at 9:05 pm #

    OMG these are the best reasons ever! Tinder is hillarious, and I’ve been fortunate enough to meet some great guys on there, but I”m ultra picky as well. Do you feel you can get a sense of a person’s depth by looking into their eyes? I know it might sound cheesy but that’s what I look for most. Great post!

    • Melany July 25, 2014 at 3:28 pm #

      Thanks girl – not sure as I went on my first last night! I like to at least TALK on the phone before meeting because I can tell from someones voice – can you?

  9. Charlotte July 25, 2014 at 12:17 pm #

    OMG, OMG… REALLY?! Okay, holding a wad of cash = HUGE turn off immediately for me. But this post made me laugh, a lot. And yes–I’d love to read a part two 🙂

    Have a great weekend, Melany!

    • Melany July 25, 2014 at 3:26 pm #

      I know I think I have enough for a part 2 and 3 by now. Any stories you want to add? LOL

  10. Single Dating Diva July 28, 2014 at 7:36 am #

    Haha! Loved this … I’ve seen all these over here too. Do these people actually expect us to take them seriously? I mean REALLY? Great post, entertaining as always!!

    • Melany July 28, 2014 at 6:12 pm #

      Aww thanks! I know – striking out ….kinda as of now on Tinder!

  11. James @ Swipe Right Diaries July 30, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

    Wow soooooo true, pretty much drew the same conclusions on this myself. Soooo many people doing yoga poses, or sunglasses on in ALL their pictures.

    Great post !!!

    • Melany July 30, 2014 at 6:40 pm #

      HA – thanks. After looking today, I should definitely add that a wedding picture is a no-no. Should I have to mention that?

  12. yoga mat bag September 30, 2014 at 5:56 pm #

    It’s a pity you don’t have a donate button! I’d without a doubt donate to this excellent blog!
    I suppose for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed
    to my Google account. I look forward to new updates and will
    share this website with my Facebook group. Chat soon!

    • Melany October 1, 2014 at 7:28 am #

      Awwww thanks! Maybe I should add that?

  13. Divorced Kat July 21, 2015 at 10:27 am #

    Just to totally shock everyone… I actually met my sweet, loving boyfriend on Tinder! I know, we can’t believe it either.
    And YES on the bathroom selfies! Gross!! Don’t you have at least one person who can just take the pic for you?!

    • Melany July 21, 2015 at 10:59 am #

      No way! Really? That is great news. Maybe I should give it another shot?

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