Dating: 16 Reasons I Swiped & X’d Your Face on Tinder

I first heard about Tinder, the dating app, a few years back when I saw a super risqué AD on a billboard driving down Sunset Blvd in Hollywood. Someone told me that it was just a hook up site for guys that were not interested in me – just interested in each other. So, I disregarded this little app for quite sometime until a friend suggested I give it a try a few months back. To my surprise there were a lot of guys looking for girls and I threw my hat in the ring. Why not? Right? It really could not get any worse than what I am doing now and that is dating my blog. Plus, if I hit it off with someone we could tell our kids that we met on Tinder and they will have no idea what the hell it is because social media apps do not have the longevity of something like say…… meeting through a mutual friend, organically or at a bar? Does that ever happen anymore? Not to me.

This app is easy which means I am easy too? Not in that way but in a light, fun loving and ready to go out at any time way. BTW – try explaining to people what you do for work on a dating site when your profession is social media? They usually ask what I do and I answer, “I work in social media” because I am too google’able and would rather tell them first about myself before they judge what is online. Then, of course they ask what kind? I say “entertainment” and I am an idiot because I didn’t realize that they probably think I am an escort. I am not but I do write a blog about dating, which may scare some guys, the wrong guys, but some guys. Just a thought- LOL

While perusing the app it occurred to me the new and improved Melany is still picky but working on having better taste. I have set “guydlines” and here are some of the reasons I swipe or x a potential suitors face while surfing for a keeper.

1. No Picture.
Just a boring grey cutout in the shape of what I think is a person. I see you put a lot of time into your profile on a site that requires no writing. I am sure you will put equal amount of time into a relationship, date or even a phone call. Right?

What an ass!

2. Selfie in bathroom/room.
I hate this word but you know people do it – like A LOT! I suck at selfies because I am short and my arms are horizontally challenged as well. Guys taking selfies is just too weird. If they throw in the duck lips, I have a new meme for the blog but still strike out in the dating department.
Do I really need to say that guys should stop taking more selfies than me? THEY should! Also, what is up with all of these messy people taking selfies, posting them and not noticing the enormous pile of shit in their room?

Guys -just stop!

3. No shirt.
You don’t see me posting pics with no shirt on. That is another type of site that you probably would assume I work for in social media, but I don’t. I get that you work out and that is great but I can tell you work out through your shirt. K? Do another push up/ pull up because your muscle milk is wearing off.

Yeah – I get it.

4. Legal Proof
Is that a mugshot or a new photo you think you look good in? Not sure if I should swipe or call the police for you taking the pic or posting it because you have such horrendous taste and actually think you look attractive in the shot?

5. On your motorcycle, boat, 10 speed, buggy or people mover.
Yes, we all move around this world in machines powered by an engine and I am happy that you like to share that, but really?

6. With a baby.
Is that one of yours or some random ladies borrowed for your profile picture because you read on some stupid dating site that it would be a good idea to take a pic with a baby?

7. Animals other than a dog.
I am a dog person. Sorry. (Lions, tigers and bears are ok though).

Cheetahs are ok too – I guess??

8. Every picture you have a drink in your hand.
Thirsty? You are probably a drunk, drunk or going to be drunk the entire time I know you. Been there – done that. Pass.

Man down.

9. Hairy.
You have more hair on your face than your chest. Shave it.

10. Orange Glow.
Looks like you fell asleep in a sun tanning bed with a faulty timer – aka tanorexic.

11. Too, too pretty.
I don’t want you looking at yourself in the mirror more than me.

12. With a group of girls.
Your mom? Friend? Girlfriend? Mistress? Wife? Well, I would never know which one since there is no explanation under the pic.

13. Holding a yoga pose in the middle of a desert.
I get it. You are fit and you travel. Great but I can’t see your face.

14. Sitting down.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Are you shorter than me? That is going to be a deal breaker because the closet housing my designer shoes says so.

15. Picture that is faded and obviously from 20 years ago.
Will assume you live in a dungeon, have no friends and will wonder how you even accessed an app because you could not possibly own a smart phone without one current picture of yourself in the library. Or, you are just not that cute anymore.

16. Holding a wad of cash.
They have something called a bank but good to know that you rock at Monopoly. Too bad that the game does not earn you interest to invest in a new pic!

Sorry Gingers, Hairies, and guys holding wads of cash!

Did I forget anything else?

**Stay snarky my friends!**