All dating apps are basically the same. Tinder, bumble, hinge, binge, bulge, whatever.. blah blah blah. Online dating sucks. Online shopping sucks. How many times do you order something online and it is nothing like its description and picture? Samesy-s but at least when I shop online, I receive the package and if I don’t like it, I send it back right away. I don’t have to waste time on pointless “getting-to-know-you-texts” (because no one ever calls anymore). I don’t have to do my hair, apply make-up, and meet at a random place for the obligatory 2 drinks when I know in the first 1.3 seconds after we meet that I want to RUN. In an effort to spare me the aforementioned annoyances I must take breaks from the endless swiping, but I do have a preliminary mental checklist during the torture alerting me to red flags. My POV (‘point of view’- for those who are googling) while swiping goes a little something like this:
So, it says here you are a sorcerer at Hogwarts castle. What exactly do you do, or should I assume this means you don’t actually have a J-O-B?
Didn’t your mom tell you that if you make funny faces, they get stuck like that for good? Stop sticking your tongue out at me, making duck lips and close your mouth because a bee is going to fly in there and I do not have an EpiPen handy.
Is that your height with heels or without?
Wait, is that you in that picture? I can’t see you behind the rivers, mountains, forests, trees, and skyline. Come closer.
On the other hand, cute selfie but back up. I do not need to see your nose hairs. You know you can wax those?
Your location seems a little far so, currently you are geographically undesirable unless there is something on your profile that supersedes the distance (but what this really means is, are you cute enough to justify paying for gas on a drive that’s over 30 minutes?)
You are on travel mode. You are married, aren’t you?
You are wearing a mask. Why would you wear a mask in your profile picture, or does this have a deeper meaning that I should be picking up on with my radar? Actually, thanks for the heads up.
Hats, hoodies, and sunglasses in every blurry picture really shows off your cheek bones. You actually looked at your pictures before posting them, right?
That dog is super cute so……points for that. Well done. But wait is that your baby or did you borrow her for your profile picture? If you are so CLICHÉ, then no way!
Are you really into canal rides in Venice and wine or did your friend tell you to write that? Don’t tell me what I want to hear. Tell me the truth.
Is your bedroom really that dirty and when was the last time you made your bed? Is someone in your bed? What is on your floor? TIP: Always check your selfie background before posting pics.
Please clean that bathroom mirror. I am getting you Windex for your birthday.
Witty comments on your profile. I appreciate the attempt at humor, but I do not think that counts as funny because it is not funny. Know your audience because I have no idea what you are talking about and pretty sure 89% of the women on here don’t either.
Ah, you are spiritual and do yoga and believe in the wind in your hair and the sand beneath your feet. So, let me know when you get back from your trip. Or actually, don’t.
You do not eat meat, veggies, fruits, or fish so…. what do you eat?
The shirtless selfie means you are too selfie-ish. If you have more selfies than I do it is safe to say you will be looking at yourself in the mirror more than at me and there can only be one queen in this relationship.
Another shirtless selfie might mean you are into the same things as the liver king? Red FLAG!
You do own a brush, right? And wait…. Is that a mustache? Do you wash all of that facial hair with soap AND water?
What did the people say at the gym that one time you went and took this selfie?
Alternatively, you live at the gym or your car? Those are the only places you have pictures, so I am assuming that to be the case.
That is cute. When was this picture taken? How old were you?
Why do you look different in every picture?
Oh, the app got your birthday wrong. Sure. So, how old are you really?
Thanks for attaching your Instagram so I can look at your other picture online and actually see that you have a girlfriend. You know you can click through, right?
After reading your one-word, generic answers on your profile with your blurry pictures
I am so excited to NOT meet you. One-word answers. Thanks for the effort.
Your pants are too tight, and I was not asking for all of that information. It is way too much information.
Your shirt seems to be a little small or are you wearing your son’s shirt?
How many tattoos and piercings do you have exactly?
So, you hate your mother and ex-girlfriend? Next.
Group shots tell me you have a lot of friends or you are the least attractive in the group. So, which one are you?
Thanks for sharing your mugshot. That might come in handy later.
I think this list is fairly comprehensive of what goes on in my mind during the swiping (TORTURE), but a thought occurred to me while writing this post.
Would it be inappropriate to request 2 professional and 2 personal references?
I think I am going to start doing this from now on……
**Stay snarky my friends!**