There is one person I did not hear from this Birthday, my ex-boyfriend (he must have missed my last few blog entries). I wasn’t expecting to hear from him, but it is always interesting who crawls out of the woodwork on days like Birthdays. But, I did run into last year’s ex-boyfriend #2 and that funny blog story will follow after ex-boyfriend # 1. It begins a bit like a bad joke.Setting: A girl walks into a bar. Ex walks into a bar and sits next to the Leprechaun at the end of the bar. Ex sees friends and I and walks in and out of said bar (like he was running from the police – which I still think he may be) without hesitation……more to follow…..
This would be a perfect opportunity to address my currently non-existent love life since sex sells – right? Well, I have NOTHING to sell over here now (except apparently to the cab driver last night hitting on me and thinking I wanted to chat with him at 3AM). Last year at this time I was involved with the most perfect man (on paper). Aren’t they all perfect in the first 60 seconds? He was tall, dark, handsome, over-educated (it is possible), fun, adventurous, well traveled, and had a beautiful Israeli accent! You would totally have dated him just by this contrived dating profile description. I will call him Y for short (he was Israeli and his name did begin with a Y-maybe this should have been a warning). Like, Y did I date him? and Y did he not stay as PERFECT as he appeared on paper or looked in the first 60 seconds of meeting him? Y did he turn out to be a total asshole? Y? Y? Y?
My dear friend introduced me to Y! I will ALWAYS go on blind dates if someone sets me up! I consider it a huge compliment (even though I have been introduced to dog acupuncturists, squirrel trainers, cat psychiatrist, every recovering druggie from 1985 on the Sunset trip, and all the rejects from the Biggest Loser (apparently this is how highly my friends think of me and maybe I need to work on myself a bit more). But, Y was amazing (at first) and we hit it off immediately. Our first date began and he was so complimentary and won me over with his sexy charm and lengthy resume. He was a blast and had that Israeli zest for life. I was ready to call my rabbi and reserve the room for our wedding (at the Beverly Hills hotel)! We dated and became extremely close very fast (I am not getting any younger and would love to still have the opportunity to be the hottest MILF in the neighborhood). Y was transferred with his job as a Professor at USC to Berkeley (that should have been my first sign because there is such a thing as having a part of your brain huge/smart and the other the size of a pea/DUMB). So, he moved and I decided to go back to San Francisco and give it another chance after moving back to Los Angeles only a few weeks prior.
Y and I explored San Francisco in a perfect formula for love ( but Y + I does not = anything-another sign) We rode the Quacker tour bus which lowers into the water and floats around the bay (he was a total quack, so it worked out wonderfully). My parents LOVED him, especially my mother who he loved talking to more than me (that was kinda weird). We searched the ends of the earth for his beloved Mercedes 500 SL convertible, black, brown interior and he would ask me while we test drove 100 different cars which one I liked better and in his boyish way and could NEVER decide which one to buy.I basically lived at his adorable place in Berkeley (though I am the FARTHEST thing from a Berkeley-esque girl because I shave my legs, wear deodorant, shower everyday, have fashion sense, and can’t stand the smell of Nag Champa) but I was really falling for Y! We spent so much time together and he led me to believe that we would move in together soon! I was beyond happy until a few weird things began to happen. There were some signs but I thought it was his boyish charm and was adorable (at first) until he would ask me the SAME question over and over again (like if he should take a shower that day- um YES!) Then the time we were at Benihana and he thought it was ok to text at the table, phone plugged into the wall, and feet on the community table with the hot stove where the chefs chopped and cooked my shrimp (he was Kosher but I will never give up seafood or cheeseburgers). I looked at him with horror as the Benihana chef almost dropped the steak for the entire table because Y had his cell phone cord in the driveway of the chef’s cart. Y just told me that he was Israeli and it was not a big deal. Y, yes it is a big deal! That same night, Y decided to check his phone and email from my bed! What was going on here? (Guys- do not check emails in a girls bedroom! It makes her feel like she is not special and that you should just leave money on the nightstand before you leave). Y and I were able to discuss these things and I thought that we had moved passed them. But, Y could NOT let it go. He would bring the same thing up over and over again! Or the fact that he was so late all the time (he would not even be on time if I was using Israel’s time zone). Also, he told me that you did not need shoes in a restaurant until we tried to go in and the maitre de told him he was not allowed in until he put shoes on. Y? Y did not like napkins either. I once watched him eat an ENTIRE plate of hot wings WITHOUT using a napkin once (gross). I looked and I was sitting next to Boso the clown! It was like he was allergic to paper napkins (I thought that I would just get cloth napkins to carry in my purse and it would be fine). Enough of this boyish charm – this guy is border line Aspergers. Anyway, Y and I would work it out (I changed all his clocks and bought a life supply of cloth napkins)…..or I thought.
Y and I had finally picked out a car for him! He was all set. I wanted to introduce him to my friends and planned a big reveal before my birthday. We were so happy and in love! He would tell me how beautiful I was (on an hourly basis) and that he was so happy. One day, after spending 23 out of 24 hours with one another he TEXTED me to tell me that he loved me but could not do this anymore. WTF? via TEXT? I just thought he was having an Aspergers episode. But, that was it. I did not hear from him for the next two weeks, not even for my Birthday. So, when Y decided to call me two weeks later, I told him where to go! But, he wanted to come over and see me instead (brave). I thought this guy is NUTS but let him come over and explain why he broke up with me via TEXT after he was in love with me. This should be good. So he picks me up (3 hours late) and takes me to a restaurant for dinner during which time he tried to excuse his erratic behavior by telling me he was stressed from moving, buying a car, motorcycle (bird, chicken and noah’s arc). He could date his whole menagerie for all I cared. He explained that we should get back together and he would just manage his time better. He then compared the stress of his Stanford studies to the loss of my sister the year before. Are you kidding me? This guy is missing something upstairs! I got up and walked out! He followed me and asked why I was mad? I looked at him in total disbelief. His over-educated brain lacked the appropriate amount of oxygen to his sensitivity cavity. I asked why he even took me to dinner and he told me that he just wanted to make sure that he did the right thing by breaking up with me because his friends said I was a Bitch! I looked up the steepest hill in Pacific Heights and decided walking up in my 5 inch Dior heels would be more pleasurable than listening to this asshole. He told me that I would end up with a drug addicted, asshole, who beat me. With these parting words, he had the nerve to ask me to get in his car so he could drive me home. I reluctantly accepted to spare my new shoes. As he pulled up to my building and got out of the car, he told me that he loved me and wanted me in his life and then reached in for a kiss. I think the part where I ran into the enormous iron doors in front of my building while they slammed in his face gave him my answer. He definitely had Aspergers and was border line Schizophrenic. Not sure how many different Y’s came to dinner that night but I did not want to date ANY of them.
Recently, mom spoke with Y and he told her that he moved a new girlfriend into his house and bought her a car. He ended the conversation by telling her that I was much prettier and he regrets the day he sent that text and wishes he could take it back. He obviously really has a way with the ladies and I am sure she would LOVE to hear that. Y? Because he is an idiot and is probably still asking her if he should shower every day! I hope she carries plenty of cloth napkins in her purse!
Melany’s Guydline #3 – Don’t date anyone with a name beginning with a question? Y?
**Stay snarky my friends!**