The Shorty Awards nominations are over and I hope I did not miss the honor by one spot. I will be ok with it (I will not, but my vodka is chilling and ready for consumption at 4:59PM to soothe my soul -just in case). Stay tuned as they are calculating right NOW!
If I did not win, I am convinced outside forces in which I had no control over affected the outcome. Animals. You know? When animals attack? In the past week, I had interference from all of the following “animals”, which prevented proper promoting, blogging, (and successful dating/relationships formations).
Scorpions- I was in Arizona last week and the weather was getting nice. But, when the weather gets warm, scorpions come out to play. I don’t like to play with them and this has to do with my apartment (while studying at the U of A) being infested! Those suckers live in the walls and the best way to see them is at night with a blacklight. No thank you. I would rather dance under a blacklight with Miley Cyrus’s tongue to Justin Bieber remixes than wait around to see those bitches make a grand appearance. Also, they are virtually impossible to kill just like the horrific pop music flooding our airwaves. It just never goes away. I saw one Scorpion last week while in Arizona (in a picture on Facebook) and that was my sign to leave and drive back to LA immediately.
Cotton Tail Rabbits – Petey likes to hide in the bushes and wait until Teddy Brewski and I walk in the dark and rustle like a snake. Yo, Pete – you know there is a shortage of cotton, right? Watch your back….or tail.
Unfriendly Dog Owners – Notice I did not say dogs. People wonder why their dogs are not friendly. Well, here is a hint….if you pick up your dog when other dogs approach – your dog is going to sense something wrong and be aggressive. You are the animal with a problem. Leave your dog alone because he knows best.
Police Officers – When did it become their job to wait for us on a highway of vast wasteland (as the stretch between CA and AZ) just to write tickets for people going a little over the speed limit? Shouldn’t they focus on all the other bad things in life? I mean when the cop pulled me over and saw my cute little Brewski, in his traveling crate, and me in my sweatpants with seatbelt – he couldn’t let me go? Really guy, you wonder why people call you that “oinky” name?
Married Men –The worst in the Animal Kindgdom and rightfully earn the grand moniker, “Jackass” (not “dog” because I love my dog and he would never cheat on me even tempted by the bitch next door). I see the ring on your finger and so did your wife when she gave it to you. I don’t care what story you are telling all the other blondes but I don’t buy it for one minute.
Melanyguydlines #64 I know where snake oil salesmen get oil. They were all sitting next to me last week with sparkly rings in their “ASS” pockets.
**Stay snarky my friends!**
Those really *are* some pesky pesky animals! Especially the oinker, the scorpion and the smarmy dude. Glad you got back safe – and I certainly HOPE you win!
We live with scorpions! Adapt to living with them because local pest control services can no longer kill them, they have mutated or something. We keep bedspreads from touching the floor, never leave clothes on the floor, wear gloves in the sink, check around every shampoo bottle in the shower etc etc etc. My kid and his friends hunt them with black lights. Okay, I don’t want to jinx myself, but at the end of last summer, I read that scorpions hate lavender. I bought everything lavender. Mr. Clean Lavender to mop with. Lavender soap and detergent. After the first week of mopping with it, we saw a few scorpions on the walls (they have never hung on the wall like spiders before). Within a month they were gone. Spring is coming up and I hope I don’t eat my words–but LAVENDER ROCKS!
Hope Lavender works!