Workout #1 complete following successful Bday celebrations (a.k.a. celebrations lasted way too long and was part of the process of taking years off my life).
My body hurts and I am getting old and can’t keep up with (myself) anymore! I did an extra detox today and was “re-drunk” from the pure alcohol that was pouring out of my body while sitting in my 155 degree infrared sauna (torture box). By the time I got to the workout part of my detox, I was sweating (like a fat kid in stage lights) and could not see because of the abundance of toxins seeping into my burning eyes. My mouth tasted like a salt lick and I tried (really hard) to remember why I was hurting so badly. I asked myself if I drank a lot the previous weekend or (two) and didn’t think it was that bad until my trainer told me time was up (when we still had 20 minutes left on the clock in our training session). My brain was not working and I felt for her because she could see the Grey Goose and Champagne (literally) pouring off of me while I (attempted) to complete a fairly basic exercise. Great Birthday this year-or not?! (Thanks E!)
Then I remembered a bit more why I was feeling like this. I thought to myself, “Why do my celebratory weekends turn out like scenes from the movie the “Hangover” with very little recollection of events from the night before but plenty of pictures with little, white fluffy dogs wandering around my house on my cell phone?” MY little, white dog is in San Francisco and I am in Los Angeles.
Just another typical (date) night for me that started out with a nice long nap. My Saturday night (date) tells me “lets go easy tonight” and I know (from that statement alone) that this will NOT (in any way, shape, or form) be an easy night. While he was uttering those dreadful words, I think to myself why can’t I ever go out on a normal “date”. I should have known the looming chaos of Saturday night (and Sunday morning and afternoon) by his mere utterance of that phrase. I should not have been surprised waking up Sunday evening with dog food all over the kitchen, pool cranked to 90 degrees, bags of cheese laying on the counter, a DROP of Kettle One in the bottle (don’t do that – finish it and throw away) and the vague recollection of a guy resembling Mike Tyson being escorted out of my home at 11AM (thankfully he did not leave his tiger)! But, there was a nice note on the door thanking me for my hospitality! You are welcome! My pleasure (I think). What a weird “date” night and what happened to my “date”?
But, why should I be surprised by this kind of dating story when the first night this guy and I met, we had an equally “un-date-like” day/night? It was an average weekend day/night in San Francisco where I began drinking at 9:30AM. It is OK because I was in San Francisco and on a ferry (public transportation) ride across the Bay. People drink at 10AM in SF. It is OK there because of the amazing public transportation and the plain fact that everyone is doing it! Following my all day drinking fest sitting in the hot sun (hottest day in San Francisco ever) a few friends and I stumble to my favorite watering hole. I sit down and retire there for the majority of the day and night. I eat dinner at the bar as they provide cheddar and parmesan cheese gold fish crackers (dinner of champions – trust me), and some weird nut mix snack served in a large shot glass.
Next thing you know, I am sitting at the bar by myself next to a weird guy asking me to “test” kissing him outside. “Test” kissing you? (Great line buddy by the way). I am sure that works on all the other girls. Then out of the darkness, my friend and his two friends come to rescue me. We somehow all manage to meander down the street to the “not club but has dance music from 5 years ago club” in the Marina in San Francisco. I remember dancing around in circles throwing my Louis Vitton bag on the ground because that place is so clean (and always smells like someone has gotten sick in the corner). Fast forward to midnight, and I am pulling a stealth ninja trick with my guy and we sneak out of the “non-club” and make a get away to (somewhere?)
The next morning, I check my phone and yet again have another picture with a dog (but this time I am in it) and I have this ninja warriors cell phone number in my phone! Start to a beautiful relationship right?……
Melanys Guydline #10 – You do not need to remake “The Hangover” movie on all of your dates to have fun.
**Stay snarky my friends!**
If this is reality for you then you don’t need fantasies.
I’m laughing… It’s great, but TURN OFF your crazdar, stop drawing those losers towards you.
I may use “crazdar” as the title of my next post!
You are an incredible writer and was laughing my ass off! Keep it coming!
Ohhhh so happy to hear that! Thank you so much!! Please pass along. Have a funny feeling you will like the next post…..
Right on Mel. Keep it going.
Thanks for the comment! Hope I gave you a little laugh!