Stay off my online profile MOM

I wanted to write something about dating but again, my dating life is slightly boring and totally protected at this point in time. There arefunny-dog-pictures-nagging-louder a few people I promised I would never write about (unless they did something so ridiculous that it would make it on the “guydlines”) so, unfortunately (for you and not me) there is no fantastic new entry into the hall of shame. Don’t worry; I am sure it won’t be that way for long knowing my amazingly unlucky, luck. However, I have a mother that likes to pry into my business in every which way and do have a sweet little online dating tale plus a list for you.

So, last week I gave into my nagging mom bugging me about not meeting anyone in my four walls and forcing me to go on a date.

Forcing means:

-Mom going on online dating site as me

-Mom emailing a total stranger under the guise of my profile

-Mom flirting with said total stranger from my profile

-Mom going on my profile and giving a total stranger my number (so when stranger texts me – I write “who?” he responds, “It is Jay – weren’t we just talking?” and I don’t know what he is talking about so I say “no”.)

-Mom calling me 5 minutes after the texting fiasco FAILS to tell me about Jay and getting irritated with me when I told her what happened.

-Mom lecturing for a few days about how “Jay” was so nice and that I should text him back.

-Mom not understanding that “Jay” will think my “mommy” and I are psycho for having her correspond with him via online dating sites.

moms embarassing


Oy Vey! So, what did I do this weekend? Went on a date so that Mom would stop for a little while (yeah right?)

I don’t know why I don’t listen to myself more often. I am smart and a snarky bitch if I do say so myself. But, I have a few other “guydlines” for online dating that for some reason I chose to ignore over this past weekend (yes, ended up being “forced on another online date) THANKS MOM!

online dating is bad1. If he is boring on the phone and makes you want to stick a fork in your eye – don’t go out with him. Protect your eyes. He is not going to be better in person (obvious, right? NO).

2. If he calls you the same day to ask you out for that same night the answer is NO. You are always busy washing your dog or picking your nose.

3. If he asks you to “eat” a meal (even if they are happy hour noshes)  – NO. Do not commit in this case. It is a trap because he gets you for pre-order boring conversation, mouth full conversation, and (the worst) waiting for the GOD DAMN bill bullshit, filler conversation.

4. Don’t tell him about because he is going to end up on the front page!

5. If he says that he doesn’t like dogs the first 5 minutes of the date then you might as well not even order that first drink. Must love dogs!

Melanys Guydline #46 – You may want to hang onto that fork for eye stabbing after all because more than likely he will look better with blurred vision (speaking from past experience).

**Stay snarky my friends!**

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2 Responses to Stay off my online profile MOM

  1. Lisa Jey Davis June 4, 2013 at 12:22 pm #

    OH.MY.GOD. I love those. I have a whole chapter in my book devoted to the rules of online dating… but these are HILARIOUS!

    • Melany June 4, 2013 at 12:30 pm #

      Thanks!! Can’t wait to read it!!!

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