Snarky Relationship Tips & Advice: Teddy B Style

My snarky relationship tips come from my experience with Teddy Brewski. He is better than any boyfriend I have had, any day, because I am his one and only. Here is some snarky relationship advice from a woman who has been through enough guys to provide it to you with certain flair.

TEDDY BREWSKI IS THE MODEL BOYFRIEND! TAKE NOTES!

He does what I tell him. (Well, most of the time). If not, I can throw the leash on him and he is always by my side. If I did that to a boyfriend I would probably get arrested (or be into some really, weird S&M craziness which I am NOT in to but to each their own).

He bathes when I want him to bathe. If I tell him that he smells, he never gives me attitude. I once dated a guy that only thought he needed to shower every 3 days and that his skin needed to be lubricated by his natural oils. The only thing lubricating from his natural oils was the wafting smell from his armpits lingering in my nasal cavities.

Teddy B is always excited to see me even if I look like I got hit by a truck, ate too many frozen pasta meals, got lazy with the application of my black eyeliner, or wear a less than flattering outfit (a.k.a. flowy tops and dresses that make a busty woman look like a house –don’t wear them EVER). He is proud to be seen with me whatever I wear!

He never forgets to text me or gives me lame excuses as to why he can’t be on time. He is always on time and always comes when I call his name. There is no “I did not hear you” or anything like that. Front, center and ready to please whenever I call. That’s how it should be.

He supports my blog. His face is on it and he is proud to be the MG mascot. He waits patiently for me to finish my work and never feels his work is superior or should require more time than mine.

He does not have a Napoleonic complex (even though he only comes up to my mid calf). He is confident in who he is, what he has, and never needs to puff out his chest and feel more important. Never threatened (even though I got him neutered).

He loves my music and never objects to what I want to listen to on the radio. This goes for TV and movies. He is the best date and doesn’t talk through the movie.

He waits for me to eat or drink and never starts a meal without me. He finishes every last drop of all the meals I prepare for him and leaves with a huge smile on his face begging for more each time.

If I get mad and go to bed, he wakes up and gives me kisses as if nothing happened. He is a lover and forgiver. Not stubborn.

When I am tired, he goes to bed without discussion.

He knows I am right all the time. This is just a given.

He never wants me to leave. He always wants to be with me (he is super smart).

He is persistent but not annoying. Men – there is a fine line.

He gets a little jealous – that means he cares. But, again there is a fine line.

He is always there for me no matter what. Been through thick and thin and I can depend on him not to run away with his tail between his legs which is more than I can say for a lot of my ex’s.

He knows when he is in the doghouse. He stays there and waits until the right time to apologize.

He is never flakey. I am always his #1 option and there is never a bigger, better, blonder, younger option. Most of my ex’s were more flakey than every croissant I have ever consumed.

IT IS ME!

He loves all of my friends and is nice to each and every one of them.

There is no “I don’t want to hang out with Shelli” because he treats each one of them like a friend of mine.

His mom is awesome. I really like her, which is super important.

He knows who the HBIC is in the relationship. I am the BITCH!

He always chooses me over his friends. He may sniff their assess but he knows whose ass to kiss if he wants something good.

**Stay snarky my friends!**