Since now I am somewhat of an authority on snarky dating tips and advice, I thought I would make a little cheat sheet for SOME things that have come up a lot in my dating life.
Read these tips and commit them to your brain. Keep them handy and if you ever doubt me – don’t. I have been there, done that and am trying to save you from unpleasant experiences people. K? Take my dating advice!
When going on a date you should follow this snarky dating advice…..
Consider the source and place where you met your date. Dog parks are good meeting places because it shows that person is caring, responsible and can clean up after shit. Grocery stores are not so good because that person will always be shopping for the next, ripest tomato (if you know what I mean).
Also consider the source if a family friend is setting you up on a date. Make sure they are not doing another family friend a favor because that is a complete disappointment. This usually begins with the potential date prefaced by a glowing resume, but that is it. They are just great on paper. Nine times out of ten the resume you were reading was 10 years old.
If a mutual friend sets you up, make sure you get a picture first. It is very flattering when people set me up but when the date arrives and is a four hundred pound, bald, recovering everything addict then we are not a match. It also makes me wonder what kind of impression I am giving my friends that they think that would be a good date for me. Maybe we need to reconsider our friendship?
When browsing online, make sure that the person has a close enough picture and it is not blurry. Blurry makes ugly people less ugly. Trust me. Also, make sure that the pics are recent (like the last year). If the person is pictured with 2 people of the opposite sex and doesn’t specify a relationship then they are a player. It’s ok if the person in the pic is mom or grandma (extra points for close family). Beware of too many cats. Cats are not dog people. Enough said.
If you meet them online and you actually get to the point where you give the person your number and that person really calls then you are lucky because most people collect numbers and never call. So, GO. (What do you have to lose? This is what my mom always tells me and the answer is a lot – perfect waste of makeup, cologne or perfectly pre-washed, fitting jean day). Anyway, GO. What do you have to lose?
When that person calls, make sure that you are aware of some tell-tale signs such as using the word “yo” to start a conversation. Don’t sweep this under the rug. It is a bright red flag and you should run far away. If they talk like that, it will get worse. Trust me. Same thing with using dude, whatever, like, totally, bro, bra, chick, etc.
If the person is a vegetarian and you love to chow on red meat. NOT A MATCH. Don’t even try. I have issues going out with some of my girlfriends who are vegan. This is like a religion. You will not and should not try to convert. Stay with your own and meat eaters should stay with meat eaters. It will be very important in certain situations like say your wedding, “Chicken or fish? Neither – I am vegan.” See what I mean?
If the other person is a yogi and you don’t even know what a “Childs pose” is, it is probably going to be an awkward pairing. They like the smell of Nag Champa and you are more Chanel or Jean Paul Gautier.
For you women, always air on the conservative side when getting dressed. Skip the short skirts and tops with cleavage down to your belly button. If he is a potential keeper, leave something to the imagination. If you want a one-night stand – well, you may be reading the wrong blog. Easy on the jewelry, makeup and skip the spray tan. No one likes a streaky date (well unless you are looking for that one night stand).
For you men out there, please skip the flip flops. I don’t care how hot it is outside. Not a good look for a date. Easy on the cologne – you do not need to bathe in it. Same with the hair products – I don’t want you to light on fire if we are sitting close to a heat lamp.
Don’t talk at length about your future together. Take it slow. There is no rush and if the person is in a rush they are probably running from something (like the police or a crazy ex). “Slow and low that is the tempo” just like the Beastie Boys told you. No talking about going to Jamaica for vacation, attending weddings together, or the number of kids you are going to have. THIS IS A BIG RED FLAG. You need to make it to the second and third date before you are having his firstborn child (or so you think it is his first born because you don’t know him from Adam and jumped into bed before finding out these pertinent details).
Follows these few snarky dating guydlines and you will be in good shape until I have experienced something else ridiculous in which case I will have to amend the cheat sheet. Stay tuned, for my work is never done.
**Stay snarky my friends!**