Once upon a time there was a blonde, single girl who was a great catch but could not meet anyone normal so she decided to put on her big girl panties, black eyeliner, 6inch Louis Vuitton heels and try something new. Yes, the Louis may have been a little much for the 115 degree Arizona heat but she wanted to wear them so she did. After getting lost in a second parking lot that week she arrives at her final destination, which is a group of young, active, singles looking to meet people just like them. And…. STOP right there. Herein lies the problem with this story. When people are forced into singles groups the story NEVER ends well. (And in her defense the parking lots are ginormous in Scottsdale and she is not the only one that gets lost – even that woman named GPS gets confused).
Writing this post, I am reminded of the time I went to a singles event when I first moved to Los Angeles and a guy recognized me from an online dating site. He came up and we started chatting when his eyes turned, Jack Nicholson in The Shining and he screamed across a room that I was “a liar and not a nice girl” (which made it abundantly clear he read my profile 100 times and memorized the part where I posted that I was a nice girl). He proceeded to yell like a little child that I never replied to his email and my sister could not stop laughing. Her laughter was cut short when “Jesus” (long hair and white robe) appeared at the same event and would not leave her alone. That experience was enough for me to make an educated executive decision that nut jobs attend and monopolize singles events, which is why the “single events” gatherings have a bad name. I am not sure why events like this attract all the coo coos in the nest but they do.
But, I thought lets try it again. I am in a new city and would love to meet someone so what is the worst that can happen? I meet a cray cray person that yells at me in a crowd of people or I could get a really good blog post from the experience. The best case scenario – I meet a new friend or a date!
Also, Tinder is not working for me and you know it is bad when I got called out by a guy on the app saying, “I know WHO you are. I read your blog”
which, at first I was like YAY, and then I was like NO. It is hard to meet a guy period but even harder when I write about Tinder being a less than desirable way to meet a good catch. Thus far, flakes, douchebags and more douchebags. Just a little update for ya.
Let me take you back to the singles event following the part where I got lost in the parking lot. So, I arrive fashionably late because my 6 inchers can only run so fast. I walk into the bar and see there is an empty seat next to this girl who looks normal and I pull up a stool. I look over and of course the bartender is a babe and wonder if I am in LA or Scottsdale? Does it really matter – so I put my hand out and introduce myself to the girl and she greets me with a scowl that I think may be the only facial expression her face can express. It was scary enough to haunt a house, but I was friendly and asked if she was having a good time. “Of course not” she answered and complained that she was pissed because she drove a whole 20 minutes to this event that was supposed to be a mixology class. There were not enough people to have a class but they had booze and lets face it, this is the ONLY reason people attend events anyway. She starts to grill the babe-ly bartender about Gluten Free alcoholic beverages that are sweet to drink. As soon as he starts talking, she whips out a notebook with binder paper and a pencil. Really? Then, she proceeds to cut off every word coming out of his patient mouth asking the same questions over and over.
So, as one snarky girl does from time to time – I jumped in when she asked about my drink. I told her Grey Goose, soda, lime in a short glass (short like me). Then she asks what is soda? Wait, what? It is soda water I explain and she asks again and then asks the bartender. After going back and forth for 10 minutes she explains she has 20 allergies and we ask if she has Celiac disease? She replies, no, but if I eat gluten I gain at least two pounds and I have 19 other allergies to everything including every mix in the bar. At this time, I make an executive conclusion that this woman is a lost cause and I should move immediately before I catch her crazy.
But, she didn’t. So, I asked if she was super allergic like I would need to stab her in between her breast plate with an Epi Pen and call a bus, or would she just gain two pounds if she ingested anything at that bar? She said she would just gain two pounds.
I could not take it anymore and fight or flight kicked in which is when I excused myself telling her that I was allergic to smoke but I was going outside for a cigarette.
I drove by that bar yesterday and she was still taking notes but had not bought a drink yet.
Thanks to this girl is the reason that normal guys don’t attend the events. Plus, she was lucky I just sat down at the bar because Grey Goose in rapid succession down my throat sometimes has effects on me other than gaining two pounds and that includes a swift punch or uppercut to the face.
Also, thanks to this girl I got 4 drinks for my friend and I for $10, a wink and a card with the cute bartenders number on it right before I fled for my life.
**Stay snarky my friends!**