Remember the days when you could walk into a store and shop for things that were actually in the store? You didn’t have to ask for a size and have the retail associate tell you to order it online. If I wanted to sit at home and buy these ugly styles from the comfort of my own home, I would. I came to this store to see and try on these drapes, I mean, clothes. I want to see them, feel them and try them on so that I could decide if it looks like I am wearing my grandmother’s old couch. Ok?
I also go to a store because I would like a second opinion if the hideous ensemble I am trying on is acceptable hideousness or absolutely not suitable for public viewing. I want a face-to-face with an employee who will give me their “honest” opinion.
So, the mall is a bust and I venture home to my computer with dog on lap and surf the online shopping vortex asking Teddy Brewski if what I am looking at is a costume or a dress to wear for a night out on the town. I am not a lady of the night so most of these dresses are for those types of women or for Halloween. Right?
*Ladies. Let me just say that just because you see it in a magazine does not mean it’s cute. Don’t trust pictures online. That girl is 5’11ish and weighs 85 lbs. and the outfit will NOT look like that on any of us. Certain bodies should not be rocking bodycon dresses unless you are hoping to be served as part of the featured sausage on the breakfast menu at IHOP or IHOB. Either one – samesys.
*Gents. The magazine thing goes for you too. Trust me, that shirt is too tight if I can see your skin in between the buttons or if it can fit my friend’s 10-year-old son. Skinny jeans are way too much information. You are not George Michael in 1987. Trust me. Have faith. If you must roll your tight pants, please watch out for the flood.
*Attention Fashion Designers: Are you trying to make people not buy clothing anymore? WTF am I looking at? What is that? Ruffles. Flowers. Pleats. Lace. Draw Strings. Strings. Rouching. Embroidery. Split hem. Cut outs. Sheer. Short. Way too short. Too long. Weird length. Hi Lo. Holes. Slits. More than one horrific pattern. Too much bling. One is enough. You don’t need all of them in one damn dress. Choose one.
Wait? How much is that? What is that? I could have made that myself.
Now, I have scoured the Internet for hours and found something that might be acceptable. But, they don’t have my size!!! Or any sizes for that matter. No what? Enter my email address but the size never appears just email blasts of more clothing that is not acceptable to wear anywhere.
If they do have sizes online, I have to order two sizes because I don’t know how the hell it is going to fit.
Presale lists. I put my name on the presale lists to pay for outfits, which will arrive during the next season and will no longer be appropriate for the current weather conditions. Or, I just forgot that I ordered it because I am 10 lbs. lighter or heavier by the time the magic order finally arrives.
Orders arrive. Is that a box? Or a? What is that? It resembles something that might have been a box in its former life.
And…..don’t make me sign for the package. I don’t know when I am going to be home. If you can’t tell me when you are sending my items why should I tell you what my schedule looks like to be home to sign a dumb slip. Leave the package.
Returns. I spend my life making returns from online shopping because I have to order two sizes of everything. I have wasted so much time schlepping and returning boxes that I lost count how many times I go to the mail drop on a weekly basis. I have returned way more than I have ever kept! What is going on here?
I am definitely the loser. Easy returns. HA! Bullshit! Easy if the clothes actually looked like they do online, arrived in a timely manner AND fit. That is easy. This is not!
Honestly, I have not been able to write on this blog as often as I would like because I have spent the majority of the past few years searching for clothes online, trying them on (if I can get them over my head), deciding if they are a bag or costume, filling out return forms (which are dumb because do you really read or care what my reason is for returning the item?), buying and fighting with tape dispensers, packing up mangled boxes, placing said return labels (that are sometimes not prepaid) taping said mangled box and rearranging my daily schedule to find the right place to drop off the package with the appropriate mailing provider. Wasted time and money. Where am I saving and how is this convenient?
Then, waiting. Waiting. Waiting. When is the credit going to arrive? Did I just lose money from sending back this package and then not get credited? I worked so hard trying on the clothes, putting together the package and sending it back that I didn’t even have to go to the gym. The least you could do is appreciate how hard I worked to get the package back and give me my money back in a timely fashion. I need it to buy more terrible clothing.
Chasing. Chasing. Then, receiving a gift card for a damn store that isn’t even located in my state. What am I going to do with that?
I want OP! OP! Original Payment!!!!!!!!
Maybe they should offer an accounting course ONLINE so that I can properly keep track of my online shopping returns?
Now, I definitely need a drink and a therapy session.
No. I don’t want to make my appointment online!
Where is my drink and what am I going to wear?
PS – I guess my first job in the mailroom at the William Morris Agency prepared me well.
**Stay snarky my friends!**