Retail Therapy Is Causing Me To Need Therapy

Retail Therapy Is Causing Me To Need Therapy

Retail Therapy Is Causing Me To Need Therapy

Remember the days when you could walk into a store and shop for things that were actually in the store? You didn’t have to ask for a size and have the retail associate tell you to order it online. If I wanted to sit at home and buy these ugly styles from the comfort of my own home, I would. I came to this store to see and try on these drapes, I mean, clothes. I want to see them, feel them and try them on so that I could decide if it looks like I am wearing my grandmother’s old couch. Ok?

I also go to a store because I would like a second opinion if the hideous ensemble I am trying on is acceptable hideousness or absolutely not suitable for public viewing. I want a face-to-face with an employee who will give me their “honest” opinion.

So, the mall is a bust and I venture home to my computer with dog on lap and surf the online shopping vortex asking Teddy Brewski if what I am looking at is a costume or a dress to wear for a night out on the town. I am not a lady of the night so most of these dresses are for those types of women or for Halloween. Right?

*Ladies. Let me just say that just because you see it in a magazine does not mean it’s cute. Don’t trust pictures online. That girl is 5’11ish and weighs 85 lbs. and the outfit will NOT look like that on any of us. Certain bodies should not be rocking bodycon dresses unless you are hoping to be served as part of the featured sausage on the breakfast menu at IHOP or IHOB. Either one – samesys.

*Gents. The magazine thing goes for you too. Trust me, that shirt is too tight if I can see your skin in between the buttons or if it can fit my friend’s 10-year-old son. Skinny jeans are way too much information. You are not George Michael in 1987. Trust me. Have faith. If you must roll your tight pants, please watch out for the flood.

*Attention Fashion Designers: Are you trying to make people not buy clothing anymore? WTF am I looking at? What is that? Ruffles. Flowers. Pleats. Lace. Draw Strings. Strings. Rouching. Embroidery. Split hem. Cut outs. Sheer. Short. Way too short. Too long. Weird length. Hi Lo. Holes. Slits. More than one horrific pattern. Too much bling. One is enough. You don’t need all of them in one damn dress. Choose one.

online shopping

Wait? How much is that? What is that? I could have made that myself.

Now, I have scoured the Internet for hours and found something that might be acceptable. But, they don’t have my size!!! Or any sizes for that matter. No what? Enter my email address but the size never appears just email blasts of more clothing that is not acceptable to wear anywhere.

If they do have sizes online, I have to order two sizes because I don’t know how the hell it is going to fit.

Presale lists. I put my name on the presale lists to pay for outfits, which will arrive during the next season and will no longer be appropriate for the current weather conditions. Or, I just forgot that I ordered it because I am 10 lbs. lighter or heavier by the time the magic order finally arrives.

Orders arrive. Is that a box? Or a? What is that? It resembles something that might have been a box in its former life.

How the box looks before it is mailed and how it looks when it arrives at my door.

How the boxes look before they are mailed and how they actually look when they arrive at my door.

And…..don’t make me sign for the package. I don’t know when I am going to be home. If you can’t tell me when you are sending my items why should I tell you what my schedule looks like to be home to sign a dumb slip. Leave the package.

Returns. I spend my life making returns from online shopping because I have to order two sizes of everything. I have wasted so much time schlepping and returning boxes that I lost count how many times I go to the mail drop on a weekly basis. I have returned way more than I have ever kept! What is going on here?
I am definitely the loser. Easy returns. HA! Bullshit! Easy if the clothes actually looked like they do online, arrived in a timely manner AND fit. That is easy. This is not!

Honestly, I have not been able to write on this blog as often as I would like because I have spent the majority of the past few years searching for clothes online, trying them on (if I can get them over my head), deciding if they are a bag or costume, filling out return forms (which are dumb because do you really read or care what my reason is for returning the item?), buying and fighting with tape dispensers, packing up mangled boxes, placing said return labels (that are sometimes not prepaid) taping said mangled box and rearranging my daily schedule to find the right place to drop off the package with the appropriate mailing provider. Wasted time and money. Where am I saving and how is this convenient?

Then, waiting. Waiting. Waiting. When is the credit going to arrive? Did I just lose money from sending back this package and then not get credited? I worked so hard trying on the clothes, putting together the package and sending it back that I didn’t even have to go to the gym. The least you could do is appreciate how hard I worked to get the package back and give me my money back in a timely fashion. I need it to buy more terrible clothing.

Waiting. Waiting. Where is my online shopping credit?

Waiting. Waiting. Where is my online shopping credit?

Chasing. Chasing. Then, receiving a gift card for a damn store that isn’t even located in my state. What am I going to do with that?

I want OP! OP! Original Payment!!!!!!!!

Maybe they should offer an accounting course ONLINE so that I can properly keep track of my online shopping returns?

Now, I definitely need a drink and a therapy session.

No. I don’t want to make my appointment online!

Where is my drink and what am I going to wear?

PS – I guess my first job in the mailroom at the William Morris Agency prepared me well.

**Stay snarky my friends!**

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16 Responses to Retail Therapy Is Causing Me To Need Therapy

  1. Jamie July 23, 2018 at 3:17 pm #

    I hate shopping on line. I agree with you. Sometimes I just keep something I ordered because it’s easier than returning it

    • Melany July 23, 2018 at 5:52 pm #

      Oh that is another good point! So frustrating!

  2. Stephanie July 23, 2018 at 4:02 pm #

    Hahahaha. All so true. Or how about when you *think* you found the perfect item and out into shopping cart only to check out .02 seconds later and get a notification that it is sold out in that size. Only size available now is XXXS.
    Or my latest issue, when I put my zip code in and a city that doesn’t even exist pops up. When I change to correct city (so that everything matches my credit card info) my information is deemed inaccurate and transaction can not be processed.

    • Melany July 23, 2018 at 5:52 pm #

      HAHA!!!! Totally. Ridiculous! Life was much easier in college when mom sent me boxes of clothes that fit. LOL!

  3. Miguel Nolasco July 23, 2018 at 6:03 pm #

    Bases loaded home run….
    The Melany i love to the moon and back ( really to PLUTO, if its still is a planet) is back !!!!

    Great Blog.. my good friend.

    • Melany July 24, 2018 at 6:17 am #

      HAHA! Thanks for reading!!!

  4. Xeondata July 23, 2018 at 7:06 pm #

    Very good point on the way men are dressing, it seems like the designers have forgotten that real men have something between their legs. These pants now a days are more like spandex that even the 1980’s hair bands would be ashamed to wear.

    • Melany July 24, 2018 at 6:18 am #

      LOLOL! True. I mean it is so bad. Thanks for reading!

  5. Esther July 23, 2018 at 7:13 pm #

    You look very frustrated but at least you’re well dressed.

    • Melany July 24, 2018 at 6:18 am #

      thanks! I try!

  6. ellen beck July 23, 2018 at 10:42 pm #

    So that’s why you haven’t been writing….. you have another hobby ! Buying and returning clothes can be full time.
    You know, I dont think I have much ordered anything online (clothes wise) and when I have, now that you mention it, it never fits and then ends up with my niece who is a size smaller or another niece who is a few sizes larger.
    I have successfully ordered CROCS online. You really cant screw up a pair of Crocs. Dont even laugh I love them I dont care how hideous they are and yes my husband used to tell me all the time. Now my husband who didnt have his shoes handy and slipped on my gardening Crocs now wears them -shhhhhhhh it is a secret never to be mentioned that he indeed will wear Crocs to let the dog in and out and in other situations

    I say where that one dress you have that I just love as much as possible. heck buy variations of it. Its that one print one. You look fantastic in it.

    • Melany July 24, 2018 at 6:19 am #

      I havent been writing because I spend all my time returning clothing! LOL. That is somewhat true! Dont worry your Croc secret is safe with me! Thanks for reading!

  7. Renee Voss July 25, 2018 at 5:43 pm #

    I love this article! You are a kick

    • Melany July 26, 2018 at 7:43 am #

      HAHA! Thanks! Happy it gave you and LOL! KISSEZZ

  8. Melanie Rutherford July 29, 2018 at 7:39 pm #

    Melanie, I know we have the same name just differently spelled so I am excited to find your page. You are so funny and I love your blog. Are you going to be doing more writing? You really should because you are quite entertaining and it’s nice to have some levity when I look at Facebook.

    • Melany July 30, 2018 at 6:23 am #

      Thanks MEL! Welcome to MelanysGuydlines. Totally agree with you about FB!!! SNARK ON

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