Hello! Is this thing on? As most of you know, I have been celebrating my Birthday week! Yes, I celebrate for a week because that is how long it took my parents to decide whether they were going to keep or trade me in for another baby (just kidding)! I was the devil’s spawn, an absolutely horrific baby. Can you imagine? I am the easiest person to get along with all the time, right? Anyway, in all of my preparation for this joyous occasion, I broke the first rule of blogging (according to the bloggers bible; Blogging for Idiots) and that is blog OFTEN! I apologize to have kept you ALL waiting but I will give you something to chew on while I am in San Francisco celebrating without you.
I thought that you should be able to chew on something, since I could not. In preparation for my Bday, I entered myself into another crazy detox program where I could eat nothing-literally. In conjunction with this diet, I willingly participated in 10 days of the most intense detoxifying treatments known to man. Seriously, the treatment began with a RIGOROUSLY AGGRESSIVE defoliation process including being rubbed with an exfoliating coffee (gravel) and followed with a relaxing brillo-pad scour. After my skin was acceptably bright red and one wind blow away from coming off, the painting began. I was then painted in chocolate and wrapped in saran wrap. I have a booty, so my fantastic treatment lady had to create an extra saran wrap skirt to cover my tush. After being wrapped like a burrito, she would place me into a hot box reaching 155 degrees! Sitting in this hot box for 40 minutes, I could feel every drink, fattening food I have eaten since 1979, and toxin ingested into my body, ooze out of my skin. Shrinking like a piece of bacon, I exited the hot box and proceeded to work out for an hour. Repeat x 10! Crazy yes! Did it work? YES! I can’t wait (yes I can) for the next detox after this Birthday weekend of drinking and eating.
1, 2, 3 Strikes you’re out! My actual Birthday is over! It is not even in the acceptable time frame allowed for happy belated Bday wishes (yet another fake holiday created by Hallmark). Is Hallmark still around anymore? I love getting cards! Too bad I didn’t really get any except from my best friend, parents and the two dogs (who never forget). I think it is because people do not know how to write. Just like people do not know how to add. Do they still teach reading, writing and arithmetic at school? I don’t know? I could not tell you because of my constant tendency to run into the dummies in every part of my day. For example, my mother and I were at Nordstroms and gave the girl behind the cash register CASH! She looked at my mother like she had 3 heads! It was like good ole’ Ben Franklin had jumped off the bill and punched her in the nose. CASH! What? She could not figure out the change to save her life. In front of her manager, she says to my mother “you are going to make me do math, I am not good at math” and looked at her register waiting for it to TELL her how to count change. She looked at us in horror. I felt bad (not really) and told her that she should probably not say that in front of her manager, while working a CASH register, and taking our CASH!! She did not understand that comment either. I think she needs a new job. This was almost as smart as the waitress at the sushi restaurant who thought it was cute for her child to STAND on the sushi bar WHILE we were eating. “Irasshaimase” would you like some fresh leather today with your Unagi? People are brilliant and they are all around ME!!!
Anyway, I do have to admit that my friends came through for my Birthday this year in abundance with well wishes (because they were scared I would write a blog entry about them and I don’t blame them because I will) and it was amazing. It worked and I win!! Facebook even gifted me 70 new friends just for my Bday. I don’t know why, but it is true. Thank you so much! Seriously!
People did ask me what I was doing for my Bday this year and I told them that I wanted it mellow (I told these people that because I didn’t want to hang out with them and I really had a huge party that they were not invited to). It was awesome and I woke up next to a huge rubber ducky (seriously). We had a great night! Actually, I witnessed history at ATT Park in San Francisco cheering on my favorite baseball team, the SF Giants. It was at a PERFECT game. From the company, to the seats, the weather, the hot dog I devoured with sauerkraut (I deserved it), being on the JumboTron and TV, and the 5 Mai Tais which led me to not remember or even be aware what was going on until the next morning when my dad explained it to me! Great BDAY! It was incredible and I know it signifies the possibility of (or close to) perfection in this new year for me.
Melany’s Guydline # 3/ 3 1/2– Not everyone around are idiots, just half! / You will have to wait, but perfection is possible.
**Stay snarky my friends!**