Upon returning to Los Angeles from San Francisco via automobile, with Teddy Brewski as co-pilot, a few thoughts popped into my head (there were more than that but don’t want you to know all of them)….
Why does everyone driving long distances look as if they could be relatives of the people from “Fragle Rock”?
These funny people are everywhere! It is as if they LOVE traveling long distances (or just pretend they need to drive a long distance) just so that they can stop at EVERY fast food joint and gas station to feed their faces with all the overly processed, sodium filled food that makes us an obese country. Everything in moderation people! Taco Bell is great once a year because it bloats you like a puffer fish and takes a full year to get out of your system (BIG BEEF burrito supreme with extra tomatoes and a Mexican Pizza – ONCE a year for me please).
The people watching are fantastic on that long boring road of I5 that stretches from Los Angeles to San Francisco. I mean just because we are driving on a road with nothing to do except force talk in the car (when all we want to do is NOT talk), sing wrong words to music barely tuning in, or fight with your dog while he is eating your bra, does not give people the excuse to do really weird things. Does the guy honking and whistling in the big rig think I am actually going to pull over and say “Hi, thanks for whistling and yelling disgusting sexual innuendos at me” and ask him to follow me down the road to go for a drink later? Does the woman who wears no bra and walks to the restroom at the McDonalds (barefoot) with her pock-marked face think there are no other people alive in the state of California that will see her? Is it just me or are rest stops perfect places to film the next “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” both for setting and actors (real life people). They are loaded with these types of people and there is nothing there except for sewage drenched grass (that I would not let Teddy use for his bathroom needs) and a little running water through a hole where we can relieve ourselves during the torturous 7-hour ride.
Alas, great people watching is not limited to your long boring drives but are all around us they just differ in size, shape, and weirdness depending on area code. LA and San Francisco are so different and I love both cities. Beverly Hills is filled with old women with Botox stuffed faces, wearing clothing that I won’t wear because it is inappropriate for a woman MY age, and men you can smell a mile away because they either bathe in cologne or have never bathed at all (or just think it is so Hollywood chic to look and smell dirty). In San Francisco there seems to be some sort of anti-makeup law, anti-any color but grey, green, and brown (but Giants-orange is GOOD) colored clothing, mandatory ownership of a minimum of 3 North Face jackets (in black or grey), Nag Champa perfume, and women who got their hair extensions done at Salon 1985.
Have you ever had a friend who asked how she looks in what she is wearing and you lie? Of course you do! I have! I HAD a dear friend who always wore dresses 2 sizes two small (channeling Miss Piggy), un-blended makeup and really, bad hair extensions (that looked like they were crawling out of her unwashed hair just trying to get away from her head drenched in cheap perfume and barely masking her stench). One day, one of the hair extensions she never washed fell out in a friend’s car and Miss Piggy picked it up and placed in her “pleather” purse, completely unfazed.
Everyone talked about her and the slutty outfits she would squeeze into resembling a stuffed sausage. Her makeup did not match her face but would have been better suited for someone of Asian decent because it was 3 shades lighter than her actual skin color. It was weird because her body color and shape belonged to an Oompla Loopa from using fake bake and self-tanner orange (an actual new color).
People would always ask me about her or make jokes and I was embarrassed (not for her) but for me! Why was I walking around with this creature without saying anything to her? It made me look bad and I sure didn’t meet any new friends or guys walking with her, actually frightened a few. Wouldn’t you know? She is now happily married and I am still single? Go figure.
Take a look around. We all know someone like this or see them out an about. If we all had the courage to tell our Miss Piggy’s that they look ridiculous we would procreate for a better-looking USA.
Melany’s Guydline #17 Don’t be afraid that Miss Piggy will eat you if you tell her that her clothes are too tight. You will be helping mankind.
**Stay snarky my friends!**