Dating Warnings: The Shirt Test

I have learned a few things navigating the dangerous shark infested dating waters along the West Coast and that is make sure you date a guy before, on and after the first of the month to make sure he sticks around for another month. Don’t get too close too fast because you never really know who or what you are dealing with. Just like the infamous “Dear John” who boasted that he created DSL and walked on water when in reality he couldn’t afford a bottle of Evian and slept on his sisters couch. 

I am super picky but I have the worst taste in men. You would think that my own snarkiness would make me immune to bullshit but sadly ladies and gentlemen I have fallen victim to the dreaded “Big Hat No Cattle” guy act many times.

Besides Googling your date to make sure you don’t see any felonies, there are a few other tests you can perform (because we all know that if they are good at their craft, they could have a record expunged). Instead of wasting money on background checks, you can utilize these two tools to see if your new guy has a pot to piss in and whether or not you should shit or get off the pot. 

After falling victim to this one more time, I have created the “First of the Month Test” to determine if this guy can stand the test of time. No matter how many glamorous dinners or trips the new dating prospect promises you, make sure he weathers the first of the month before packing a suitcase. When are bills due?

On more than one occasion I have dated someone for a few weeks and it goes great. He tells me all the internet businesses he’s acquired, Ferraris he’s driven, women he treated to shows, the foreign places traveled, and the wonderful life he has led. The underlying identifier (which I did not pick up on at first) is that all of these fantastic stories occurred in the past tense, with someone else. Past tense just like he will be. You know this type of guy – I have talked about him before and he exists all over. The scary and sneaky “Guy who drives his rent” aka “$30,000 millionaire” who has more air between his ears than he does any where else. Beware!!! 

These guys are everywhere and prey on young available women. He may have had the access to the money then, but what about now? For example, John took me to the most beautiful restaurants for the weeks leading up to the first but once the credit card bill came in the mail, he was gone. He is not the first and not the last.

Don’t live above your means. Talk is just talk, so come on guys……we will find out that you don’t have a home or car. It is best just to be up front and not try and blow your bank account in the first two weeks of dating someone and retreat like a dog with tail between his legs.

Dating warning: The shirt test


The second good test is the clothing rule. If I have to wear different, pretty dresses to impress you then a guy needs to change his shirt. I did not realize this until I was looking back at that last guy I dated and realized he was wearing the same shirt in every single picture but still told me that he could fly me around the world. Do they not have clothing stores for guys in other parts of the world? Some of the coolest clothes I have seen lately are the fashion clothes by Eddie Edwards. I am sure you can find fashion clothes and quality dress shirts for men somewhere in the world. If you have such a hard time try Eddie Edwards or Nordstorms but just don’t wear the same shirt every single date. Especially, when you are dating a blogger who takes more selfies than most and it is a guarantee that your mug(shot) and worn out shirt will end up in more than one pic as proof.

MelanysGuydlines #?? Don’t blow your entire paycheck in the first two weeks of dating and make sure you don’t wear the same shirt every single date.

**Stay snarky my friends!**

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25 Responses to Dating Warnings: The Shirt Test

  1. Anne September 9, 2014 at 9:13 pm #

    LMAO, I think I dated him once……

    • Melany September 9, 2014 at 9:14 pm #

      HA! Havent we all??

  2. Laurie B September 9, 2014 at 9:18 pm #

    I think I knew that guy. The last one I dumped! Just the name was different. I thought I was the only person that has that happen to them. Keep this stuff coming. Just too good.

    • Melany September 9, 2014 at 9:50 pm #

      WE all know “that guy” I think! Thanks

  3. Travis Knight September 10, 2014 at 6:49 am #

    Ha ha ha….important rules for guys. That’s why I wear a different colored polo shirt on dates, if I ever had any that is! *Continues sweeping floor*

    • Melany September 10, 2014 at 10:40 pm #

      HAHAHA!!!! They are important rules….ah hem….guydlines.

  4. Boston Single Girl (@BostnSingleGirl) September 10, 2014 at 5:04 pm #

    If we weren’t on opposite coasts, I’d swear we have dated the same guys, LOL! They like to talk about what they’ve DONE, but they can’t DO it now! NEXT!!

    • Melany September 10, 2014 at 10:39 pm #

      Right? Isn’t it sad 🙁

  5. danielm September 11, 2014 at 8:19 am #

    nice i love it good job melany.

  6. Meena Avery (@tweettoimpress) September 11, 2014 at 8:41 am #

    Haha, love this post! Fortunately we ladies do not have this problem in Colorado. Here, guys think it’s their feminist obligation to allow us to pay for dinner, the movies, or whatever else we do. That said, I’m glad I haven’t dated that man yet!

    • Melany September 11, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

      Oh no! Should never be an obligation to do anything! Thanks for the comment.

  7. Elli Raine September 11, 2014 at 9:22 am #

    Omg too funny! I’d put the shirt thing right up there with making sure the guy has taken a shower in the last, oh, 3 days! Dirty shirt + dirty man = gross. 😛

    • Melany September 11, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

      Right? So gross!

  8. Rob B September 11, 2014 at 10:22 am #

    You friggin misunderstood…… I did create DSL, but it was while I was lounging on my sister’s couch. Ugh.

    • Melany September 11, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

      HAHAHA! you had me fooled all along. LOL!

  9. Marrie September 12, 2014 at 3:35 pm #

    Seriously, is that hard to change your shirt?!? Guys are totally like that. Can you imagine what he would have been like in 5 years when he was no longer “trying”! Dear Lord!

    • Melany September 12, 2014 at 6:08 pm #

      Oh yeah = smelly!

  10. Single Dating Diva September 13, 2014 at 5:50 am #

    They talk the talk but can they walk the walk? They may seem like an ideal partner but can they stand the test of time? Essentially, like you said wait and see. That’s why dating is a process. Great post!

    • Melany September 13, 2014 at 9:15 am #

      It is a process……a very LONG process. Thanks.

  11. Heather C September 13, 2014 at 2:46 pm #

    You are too funny! I would not do very well in todays dating world. Also, I swear as men get older, their wardrobe might be expansive, but the actual # worn clothes shrinks. A certain man I know now has like 4 “favorite” shirts, even though in am constantly buying him killer new clothes…. Its uber annoying.

    • Melany September 13, 2014 at 10:13 pm #

      HA! So maybe it just a guy thing? Hope that certain man you know washes them too!~ LOL

  12. Kelly September 13, 2014 at 6:27 pm #

    I love that you had to look at the pictures before you noticed he was wearing the same shirt…hilarious!! Good tips. I think we have all dated these types. At least, they exist in L.A. Many guys who have the nice car and live in a frat house with 10 boys. Sexy. 🙂 Great post!

    • Melany September 13, 2014 at 10:12 pm #

      Thanks Kelly! This guy was in AZ – so they are all over!

  13. Ritter September 22, 2014 at 2:13 am #

    Great tips! I couldn’t help but laugh reading your post. This is true though, a lot of men try to impress their dates with this and that. I have this thing for men and their shoes so I never thought about shirts but that’s a good way to find out. Thanks for posting!

    • Melany September 24, 2014 at 10:43 am #

      Thanks for the comment~

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