People always ask me how I decide what to write in my blog posts.
It is sad to say but there is no lack of bad dating or “frienemy” stories of the past, present, (and am sure the future -at the rate I am going). All I really need to do is look in my backyard at this crazy world to start typing away on my laptop. If I could have a podcast recording device attached to my brain of what I really think in daily life navigating the over-packed and even bumpier roads on the way to my office in Hollyweird – I would have volumes of files for you to listen to and enjoy. Some may not be quite as nicely wrapped as the blog posts on this page but they would be entertaining nonetheless.
I am going on a last minute trip with my favorite person in the world to escape the grips of LALA land or should I say more specifically Hollywood? I have a love/not always so in love relationship with this city as most of the people I know who live here do. The weather is beautiful but sometimes that is about all it has to offer. Hollywood is a city where people come to follow their dreams but sadly most end up on a plane right back to where they came from. I have seen this city chew up and spit out some of the most amazing, talented people but at least they can return to their hometowns knowing they gave it a shot and will never wonder “what if” (and that in itself is an accomplishment).
A lot of people in LALAland do a 2 or 3-year term. In other words, I will never forget someone telling me they referred to their time living here as “doing time” and it can indeed feel like that sometimes. Maybe it is the congested roads and the long commutes to inch 5 miles that leave people with the lonely feeling that LALAland has been known to impress upon passers by. I always wonder why Hollywood seems to have such a different lifestyle. Maybe it is because everyone is taller and towers over me? Maybe it is because I don’t have a glam squad or an entourage? I always have to get my pants shortened even if I buy them in the children’s section, buy makeup at a regular ole’ makeup counter and count on one or two friends to accompany me wherever I go. So, is this the reality of life when surrounded by supermodels and starlets? No matter how high I reach for the stars, I will always be a good foot shy, pound of makeup short and have a few less than a herd of friends than the other blondes reaching for the same star. The math just does not work out favorably for some people by the sheer essence of the backbone of this city. There can only be one star (and it is not fair that my parents weren’t at least a wee bit taller to level the playing field).
Take dating or even relationships for example. People ask how it is in Hollywood and why it is so tough to find Mr. Right and so easy to find Mr. Not So Right. Why is it so hard to build lasting friendships here or even have a group of friends to hang out with on a regular basis? I have a few snarky reasons for you:
1. Geographical Location – If I have to get on a freeway to see you – forget it. You sit in your car just as long in rush hour traveling from Hollywood to Santa Monica as traveling from Los Angeles to Northern California (which is like another state) so you might as well broaden your dating geographical location requirements to Arizona or even Nevada.
2. There is always another boatload of BEAUTIFUL, blondes, with curves in all the right places. They get younger and you get older. Don’t feel bad when you are talking to that guy and he keeps looking over your shoulder. He is indeed looking at the next batch of young blondes behind you ready to take your place (which is pretty easy to do when you are 5’3 and the others stand at least 5’7). But, they won’t be the youngest for long. There is extremely high turnover in the city of angels and there is always a new angel being born. This is a never-ending process that repeats itself. You can’t stop it, so accept it. Like I always say, “Just throw some glitter on that shit and move on” – mmmm, K?
3. Profession v. Perceived Profession. What do you do and what can you do for me? So cliché but so LA. Are you really Leonardo DiCaprio or the Leo I saw blowing balloons for the buses of tourists maneuvering their way down the Walk of Fame? It is hard to tell and can be very confusing! I mean, I really thought when I met that guy he was Leonardo DiCaprio and so would you.
4. Stability. Not all is what it seems. Do you drive your rent? Don’t judge a book by its cover or the cover of magazines. I saw you driving that Lambo but when you got out you were missing your pants and had 5 holes in your T-shirt. Just because you saw him or her in a movie – trust me, it does not mean they can pay next month’s rent or even half of dinner. It is all in the lighting.
5. Better Offer. There is always one. Mercedes or Ferrari, Lamborghini or Bentley? I will take two of each. Too hard to choose so can I just sample all of them. This goes for dating as well. Why decide on one type if you can have a smorgasbord? Blonde, brunette, redhead, short and tall. Just try them all!
6. You are the ONLY one. You are not the only one because there is always more than one. You know, like the 5 Marilyn Monroes, 3 Batmans or 2 Little Richards I see on Hollywood Boulevard. I wonder do they date each other and wear their costumes when they go out to dinner? Good Golly Miss Molly!
7. I WAS a star! I did it once and I can do it again! Wishful thinking. Sometimes the past should just be that. I saw you had a hit record in 1987 by your record album poster still hanging on the Whisky-A-Go-Go’s door from the 80s but your music has not scratched the top 500 in over 30 years. This probably means that it is time to try another field. Sad But True – just like Metallica told you.
8. Beauty. Who said high definition is the best way to watch people on a screen? HD is not favorable to anyone (even Teddy Brewski) and Hollywood is no exception. No one likes to grow old and Hollyweird is included in this. But, when a person’s face starts to look more like a Muppet then they should just stop before they look like Michael Jackson moonwalking down the Walk of Fame. And there he goes…..
There is so much more to this list but why don’t I open it up for discussion. What do you think of LALA land?
I do have to leave you with this…..
I remember when I went back to San Francisco for a period of time and Hollywood sang that same old song that sounded so sweet. It lured me back. Not sure if it is the rock n’ roll or what but it has that intoxicating quality that so many love (or it may be the strong drinks at the Rainbow Bar & Grill). This will never change and that is the same old song that brings me back to this weird, weird Hollyweird.
**Stay snarky my friends!**
LA LA Land is the magical world of acquaintances and temporary alliances. You said it the best, for many it’s all about, “what can you do for me?” And soon as you stop doing, they stop calling. LOL
Ain’t that the truth! Sad but True!
oh man, i don’t know if I could handle it! haha the traffic everyone being prettier than me! does that make me shallow?
HA! No it does not it is snarky and honest! LOL!!!
I thought it was hard dating in a small town – can’t imagine dating somewhere like LA!
Hee,hee. I don’t think I could live there either. Too much plastic and artificial people. Don’t get jaded Melany – ESCAPE!
HA! Trust me – it can be rough! Thanks for the comment.
I’m relieved I don’t live in such a big city… Denver has the worst dressed people so all us women have to do here is dress up a little bit and we look like we stepped off the red carpet to these guys. Lol!
Well at least you can save a lot in the bank and not waste it on stupid things like some of the ridiculous items I see in 90210!
PREACH!!! My God, you so have LA nailed! LOL! I lived in LA back in the day and the traffic and abundance of pretty people is startling. Gotta tell you though, props to the people who live in SoCal because at least they are straight-up and honest about their superficial, plastic fantastic lives. In NorCal they all try to be Nutty crunchy and down-to-Earth but are just as elitist! Without the HOT looks! LMAO!
AMEN sister – was just talking to my about that tonight! I lived in SF a few years back! LOL!
I stopped over at the LA Airport twice, when I visited my sister 20 years ago. I had to wait for my connecting flights and I’ve never wanted to return. Had I gone to Hollywood fresh out of high school, I might have liked it somewhat. I see the reality of this city from where I sit and is seems a bit shabby and pathetic. That you mentioned people are marking time or doing time is the real deal. Being from the Washington, D.C. metro area, I am more laid back because of the politically correctness of my upbringing. You gave us a true perspective on LaLaLand and dating. It was well received.
Thank you so much and I appreciate the comment which is very well written!
Wow! Couldn’t even imagine dating in LA … but it’s certainly a different beast than we have in Canada! Thanks for sharing your experience and insights!!
Yes- thought I would try to throw some humor into it! Thanks for the comment!
I have never been to CA or anywhere out west as far as that goes.Though I wouldn’t mind visiting there I think I will just keep my blonde ass in SC. Not as much competition,my Ranger P/U is perfectly acceptable,I have my teeth and didn’t blow up 200 lbs after high school which makes me a model by the standards here LOL 😛
HEhe – love it! It is def a great place to visit but to live is a different story 🙂 I am so happy you have all your teeth – me too!
You don’t buy makeup at a “regular ol’ makeup counter”!!! lol 😉
Another well written story Melany and seems to bring back memories of our discussions over drinks at the center bar in MGM!! Reading that sure makes me appreciate the ups and downs that I have experienced in my life. DATING SUCKS…..PERIOD!!! LOL Damn, as you know, I had to find my wonderful man from ARIZONA!! WTH??? LOL It sure seems that it is not any better here in SIN CITY!! But know this, there is a place here in Las Vegas for you to visit and have many more conversations with a true fiend that will not judge ONE THING ABOUT YOU….other than the car you drive!! LOL LOL Of course, those conversations will be even nicer over vodka & soda (don’t forget the splash of cranberry). Much love to you!!
Thanks girl for the comment and great convo in Vegas. I had a blast and it is so refreshing to talk to someone that actually gives a shit! Yes, true friends are hard to come by and dating sure sucks. Maybe I will luck out this time in Az and get a good guy! XOXOXOXOr
#2. I believe your #2. (About guy looking at other women while talking too you) is often done on purpose, a game or psychology trick they play to make women feel insecure, intimidated. You know, to knock them down a peg.
I know so annoying! Nomoregames.com
DEAD ON with #1. I once tried extending my dating out of the hollywood/ LA scene to beach cities and trust me, while they may be cute, they’re often as dull as a door knob. its a lose lose situation
The answer may be outside CA???
Oh Melany…I have no, absolutely no experience in LA. So, I will take your gospel as truth. I live in the land where there are more dogs than Christians. Cults and growers. Skinny jeans, bearded faces and high wasted vintage Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. Everyone looks like they dug through the dirty laundry to find the perfect outfit for the day of squating and sharing festival stories.
It’s hard to contemplate which is the lesser of evils when it comes to dating prospects.
I like your style, sistah. Preach on!
HEHEHE -and yes we should compare and create a post about this subject! It will have a lot of #snark and even more personality!
… You hit the nail on the head!! OMG I moved out to LA in 1994 from the UK …. Worked in Hollyweird for 17 years… Damn I thought I wrote this … I do live in Vegas and trust me it was refreshing to move here when your waitress/waiter/bar person whatever the correct term is.. server…. in a restaurant actually loves what they do and not acting like you’re doing them a favor asking for a glass of water as they spout out to you what they really want to do is Direct!! LOL …. I do LOVE LA though and love to revisit at least once a month to stick a straw in that juicy magical City!!
HAHAA!!!! Well, you know great minds think a like – so you we could have had this convo but I just beat you to the puch in putting in together in a post! xoxoxo