People always ask me how I decide what to write in my blog posts.
It is sad to say but there is no lack of bad dating or “frienemy” stories of the past, present, (and am sure the future -at the rate I am going). All I really need to do is look in my backyard at this crazy world to start typing away on my laptop. If I could have a podcast recording device attached to my brain of what I really think in daily life navigating the over-packed and even bumpier roads on the way to my office in Hollyweird – I would have volumes of files for you to listen to and enjoy. Some may not be quite as nicely wrapped as the blog posts on this page but they would be entertaining nonetheless.
I am going on a last minute trip with my favorite person in the world to escape the grips of LALA land or should I say more specifically Hollywood? I have a love/not always so in love relationship with this city as most of the people I know who live here do. The weather is beautiful but sometimes that is about all it has to offer. Hollywood is a city where people come to follow their dreams but sadly most end up on a plane right back to where they came from. I have seen this city chew up and spit out some of the most amazing, talented people but at least they can return to their hometowns knowing they gave it a shot and will never wonder “what if” (and that in itself is an accomplishment).
A lot of people in LALAland do a 2 or 3-year term. In other words, I will never forget someone telling me they referred to their time living here as “doing time” and it can indeed feel like that sometimes. Maybe it is the congested roads and the long commutes to inch 5 miles that leave people with the lonely feeling that LALAland has been known to impress upon passers by. I always wonder why Hollywood seems to have such a different lifestyle. Maybe it is because everyone is taller and towers over me? Maybe it is because I don’t have a glam squad or an entourage? I always have to get my pants shortened even if I buy them in the children’s section, buy makeup at a regular ole’ makeup counter and count on one or two friends to accompany me wherever I go. So, is this the reality of life when surrounded by supermodels and starlets? No matter how high I reach for the stars, I will always be a good foot shy, pound of makeup short and have a few less than a herd of friends than the other blondes reaching for the same star. The math just does not work out favorably for some people by the sheer essence of the backbone of this city. There can only be one star (and it is not fair that my parents weren’t at least a wee bit taller to level the playing field).
Take dating or even relationships for example. People ask how it is in Hollywood and why it is so tough to find Mr. Right and so easy to find Mr. Not So Right. Why is it so hard to build lasting friendships here or even have a group of friends to hang out with on a regular basis? I have a few snarky reasons for you:
1. Geographical Location – If I have to get on a freeway to see you – forget it. You sit in your car just as long in rush hour traveling from Hollywood to Santa Monica as traveling from Los Angeles to Northern California (which is like another state) so you might as well broaden your dating geographical location requirements to Arizona or even Nevada.
2. There is always another boatload of BEAUTIFUL, blondes, with curves in all the right places. They get younger and you get older. Don’t feel bad when you are talking to that guy and he keeps looking over your shoulder. He is indeed looking at the next batch of young blondes behind you ready to take your place (which is pretty easy to do when you are 5’3 and the others stand at least 5’7). But, they won’t be the youngest for long. There is extremely high turnover in the city of angels and there is always a new angel being born. This is a never-ending process that repeats itself. You can’t stop it, so accept it. Like I always say, “Just throw some glitter on that shit and move on” – mmmm, K?
3. Profession v. Perceived Profession. What do you do and what can you do for me? So cliché but so LA. Are you really Leonardo DiCaprio or the Leo I saw blowing balloons for the buses of tourists maneuvering their way down the Walk of Fame? It is hard to tell and can be very confusing! I mean, I really thought when I met that guy he was Leonardo DiCaprio and so would you.
4. Stability. Not all is what it seems. Do you drive your rent? Don’t judge a book by its cover or the cover of magazines. I saw you driving that Lambo but when you got out you were missing your pants and had 5 holes in your T-shirt. Just because you saw him or her in a movie – trust me, it does not mean they can pay next month’s rent or even half of dinner. It is all in the lighting.
5. Better Offer. There is always one. Mercedes or Ferrari, Lamborghini or Bentley? I will take two of each. Too hard to choose so can I just sample all of them. This goes for dating as well. Why decide on one type if you can have a smorgasbord? Blonde, brunette, redhead, short and tall. Just try them all!
6. You are the ONLY one. You are not the only one because there is always more than one. You know, like the 5 Marilyn Monroes, 3 Batmans or 2 Little Richards I see on Hollywood Boulevard. I wonder do they date each other and wear their costumes when they go out to dinner? Good Golly Miss Molly!
7. I WAS a star! I did it once and I can do it again! Wishful thinking. Sometimes the past should just be that. I saw you had a hit record in 1987 by your record album poster still hanging on the Whisky-A-Go-Go’s door from the 80s but your music has not scratched the top 500 in over 30 years. This probably means that it is time to try another field. Sad But True – just like Metallica told you.
8. Beauty. Who said high definition is the best way to watch people on a screen? HD is not favorable to anyone (even Teddy Brewski) and Hollywood is no exception. No one likes to grow old and Hollyweird is included in this. But, when a person’s face starts to look more like a Muppet then they should just stop before they look like Michael Jackson moonwalking down the Walk of Fame. And there he goes…..
There is so much more to this list but why don’t I open it up for discussion. What do you think of LALA land?
I do have to leave you with this…..
I remember when I went back to San Francisco for a period of time and Hollywood sang that same old song that sounded so sweet. It lured me back. Not sure if it is the rock n’ roll or what but it has that intoxicating quality that so many love (or it may be the strong drinks at the Rainbow Bar & Grill). This will never change and that is the same old song that brings me back to this weird, weird Hollyweird.
**Stay snarky my friends!**