Cliffs Notes

My last post was a little long so I decided to write the Cliffs Notes version. These always contained the best part of anything I ever read in school. So here it is because I don’t want you to miss out on a laugh or two….

Puppies are the best wingmen. They are. You know that they will always look good and grab the attention of the opposite sex for the right reason (and not for dressing like Miss Piggy). You will always be proud of them walking by your side. There is never the feeling of embarrassment when you are going out and your friend is wearing an outfit she saw in a magazine, which was never meant to be worn in real life. You will never have to tell your new wingman that her outfit was made for a photo and not for her body because you know how girls can be and have to hold your tongue. So, you get to enjoy the rest of your day walking next to a walking quilt in black go go boots while guys turn their heads to laugh (not to check out her black and red checkered ass). No dates for you. Just buy her a mirror and hope she can honestly see her reflection. Again, why it is time for a new wingman?

Puppies take very little time grooming and you never have to wait for them to get ready.  This is a luxury compared to your friend who walks around with the entire MAC cosmetic store in her purse along with a copious supply of hair straightening products from the local beauty supply store. Her face melts off in the heat and her hair always has a kink but she insists on carrying everything with her to every place you go (yes, even the gym). None of the things she schleps around are helping but you smile and grin while waiting for her to haul her suitcase full of costume supplies around. Puppies don’t do this.

You don’t have to lie to your puppy and tell them they don’t look fat in their outfit because you just don’t dress your dog in clothing (that is reserved for the most attention starved people like Paris Hilton). But, trust me here. Lie to your friend. You don’t want to be the one who told your friend she looked fat. Let that fall on some other girl. Trust me. Puppies don’t get fat. Fact.

So, you are honest and your friend gets mad because what you are telling her does not make her happy. Like the friend I had in high school. We were so close and we told each other everything. Then one day, I saw her boyfriend with another girl and thought that she should know. I told her and she got mad at me. Never again. Honesty is not always the best policy and puppies know this. They even lick people they don’t like. You have to play the game. Right?

You never have to pretend to listen to what a puppy says and they don’t talk behind your back. A puppy just sits and lovingly agrees. Sure, maybe a little bark or whine once in while but it beats a backstabbing wingman (aka “friend”) any day.  A wingman is an interesting concept. They are there to support you in your quest for fun and companionship but can turn on you in the blink of an eye. Just watch out because there are many of them out there and they are good at what they do.

Puppies take instruction and treat you like their best friend no matter what. They could care less if you are ugly, pretty, fat, short, or anything other than attractive. They support you unconditionally and are always there for you. Isn’t that the true meaning of a good friend or wingman?

Depending on their size, puppies can be a cheap date and will never ask you for money or other material objects in which case they can’t be guilty of using you in any way. Puppies don’t care about where you live, what car you drive, or how you dress. A smart man once told me to leave my wallet in my purse. From now on, I have learned my lesson and that is where my pocketbook shall remain. Puppies appreciate everything.

A wingman is not always ready to go out. They have a million excuses why not to go out like aches, pains, nails are not dry or the ex ’s cousin’s brother may be at the bar you are going to that night. Puppies are always ready to go out on the town or kick back and watch a movie. Puppies don’t flake! They won’t promise you one thing and then do something else.

Never, ever will a puppy steal your boyfriend/girlfriend or make out with him (if that happens you have more problems than I can help you with here).

Puppies play well with others and are friendly to everyone no matter what. Most importantly, they will never betray you.

Maybe everyone needs to take some lessons from man’s best friend.

Melany’s Guydline #26  – There may be a little shit to pick up from your puppy and put in the garbage but that is much better than all the bullshit from some of your wingmen. Wish I could throw some of mine in the trash.



**Stay snarky my friends!**

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4 Responses to Cliffs Notes

  1. Esther B December 11, 2012 at 10:56 am #

    Melany, your dog will always be your best friend. But then, I think I might come in a close 2nd. Keep up the good work and hopefully people who read this will get a good laugh and think twice about their friendships.

    • Melany December 13, 2012 at 12:11 am #

      You are tied! LOL

  2. Kara Altman December 11, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

    Hey Melany! We met this morning over breakfast at the Studio Cafe – I LOVE your blog! On the subject of why more guys than girls read your blog – yeah, jealousy comes to mind. I found you to be very smart – and smart people like other smart people, so we just need to share your blog with all the smart women we know. When I get back to Alaska, I’ll get right on that! In the meantime, maybe we’ll bump into each other again in the next few days. Blog on, lady!

    • Melany December 13, 2012 at 12:12 am #

      Hi Kara! So great meeting you yesterday and happy that you stopped by my blog. You were hysterical and I had a great time talking with you. You are right about smart people – I need to meet more women like you! Keep up the reading and pass along! Find me on FB!!

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