I am in Beverly Hills right now doing one of the most dreaded task a person has to do…..pack a house and move! So, while I am traveling my mom and I thought it would be fun to treat ourselves to a suite at the SLS Hotel. WRONG! This has been anything but relaxing and I would have been better off sleeping on the hardwood floor of my house with no bedding, no electricity, and curled up next to piles of cardboard boxes (which roaches love to breed in- BTW). This hotel charges a lot of money for us to have a room that looks like this.
No need to adjust the images – this as bright as they will go! The rooms are so dark that the staff brings up floor lamps to place around the room. That won’t help with your makeup though because the mirrors are black. This explains why those women in Beverly Hills look like they stuck their finger in an electric socket. They honestly can’t see the amount of botox in their face so they add extra because they just can’t see it in these black mirrors. Also included in the room, are lamps with burnt out bulbs and extension cords so you can be sure to fall down and break your neck. If it is not from the lack of light in the room it will be from tripping over the cords. Plus, friendly staff will place said floor lamps in a bathroom where there is a tub but no shower. You have to be at least as tall as Shaq to ride the ride and get in and out of the tub. Controls for the shower are inconveniently located a football field away from your un-pleasurable experience. Don’t drop the soap!
Did I mention? The distance of the controls from the tub and the fact the water pours straight from the ceiling ensures the water you spill on the floor will surely be touching said free standing lamps for proper and immediate electrocution. This is important because the heater doesn’t work in the room but at least your body will still be warm from smoldering after being electrocuted. You can make sure that you won’t be able to sit down and relax on the couches after your experience because they are harder than my hardwood floors. Bonus, end table makes a perfect spot for your mom to bang her knee! Oh, and that huge black mirror has a miniature TV in it that you can barely see from that rock hard couch. YAY!
This can all be yours for just $650 plus tax a night! If you need to park a car – that will be an extra $45 a night and you will have to wait until the valet decides to actually go and get your car plus 10 minutes after that. You better hope there is no traffic in Los Angeles. Right?
I am now in another room that is serenading me with a loud high pitch sound from a bad motor on the roof. No problem. I didn’t need sleep anyway. They did let me sleep in a “sleeping room” facing La Cienega Blvd. for the night. The sweet sounds of Los Angeles traffic included. Now, I promised I would write a post for them so here it is while I wait for my fourth room because I am clearly doing nothing except moving out of my house! Don’t forget. Be careful of those hallways too….don’t trip from the carpets in the hallways that need to be stretched. Don’t mind the people wandering around in circles with their luggage. They are not drunk but trying to find their room and will be drunk from walking in circles once they finally find their room number. Don’t look for signs. They do not exist here except for an exit sign to nowhere.
My favorite part is getting stuck in the elevator on my floor but the doors didn’t open. Thankfully, the elevator took me right back down to the lobby and opened in front of two very nice and embarrassed employees who escorted me up in a working elevator.
“You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave” –Hotel California The Eagles
How ironic since I worked the Eagles Farewell tour number ## ????? when I worked in the music business! Plus, did I mention the song by Weezer about Beverly Hills? Obviously, there is no lack of creative inspiration here since the city is so wack-a-do and so are most of the people. The only reason I need to come back to Los Angeles and Beverly Hills is for creative inspiration but I am staying in another hotel.
PS – I wrote this post before learning of Glenn Frey’s passing. My heartfelt condolences to the entire Eagles family. I loved working for the Eagles. Enough music G-ds. Please don’t take anymore legends away from us. #RipGlennFrey
**Stay snarky my friends!**