Bachelor Auction – cash or check?

I woke up this morning with the weirdest memory of the night before, or was it a nightmare? I think back on the night and wonder where the hell was I? It resembled some kind of circus with animal-like creatures but I know the circus is not in LA right now.

Was it a real or just a dream? It was real and I am still frightened! It was a Bachelor Charity Auction in Beverly Hills, CA and the people watching were too much for my ADD medicine to control. At least I got a great dating story out of it!

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My neck still hurts from turning side to side to catch a glimpse of these men and women (I think they were people) who attended and participated in this function (circus?) for a good cause (which I still have no idea what that was but I think there was a charity involved somewhere). I was entertained. I am not sure that I was entertained in the way the organizers had intended. I actually ran out of the hotel to get my car in such a hurry I left the very nice gifts they had passed out to everyone. The very generous gifts were $100 certificates for plastic surgery and $100 for a personal trainer, which basically meant (in a nice way) that the hosts thought everyone attending was fat and ugly. Have you ever seen the “Real House Wives of Beverly Hills” or the Cat Lady? Well, you too were given the opportunity to look like them with these gifts. I am really sad (no I am not) that I left mine of the table but I am sure I made one little kitty very happy.

A friend offered me a free (nothing is really free-right?) ticket to a Bachelor Charity Auction in Beverly Hills (this is the not free part – anything with the words Auction +Charity+Beverly Hills equals= I want your money!) Well, I did not write a check nor was I going to buy any of these bachelors whose ages ranged from men who could have been my brother, father or grandfather! GROSS! Though I did meet several very nice ladies who liked that…you know, incest type relationships. To each their own.

I did make one great decision before attending this event. I wore a conservative black cocktail dress, as I had no idea what the event was going to be like. But, when I approached the hotel and saw the line of Bentley’s and Rolls Royce’s parked in front I knew it must have meant one thing, beware of the ladies with frozen faces created by the “best” plastic surgeon in the Beverly Hills. Don’t worry; if you were unable to get an appointment with him prior to the auction, he was available, for a starting bid of $2,000.00 for your very own opportunity to go on a date (consultation) with him. The date would include you trying to fend off your reflection from his overly tanned face. It would continue with his fake green eyes piercing at you while listening to him mutter that he preferred real breasts to fake because he sees those all the time (I promise he would tell you this because there was a clip of his Entertainment Tonight interview where he stated just that). What plastic surgeon is going to tell you that? He would be broke and unable to afford the plastic in his own face or the silicon for (all three of) his girlfriend’s breasts. We can’t have that in Beverly Hills. That would be an atrocity.  There would be no more animals to look at.

I am not sure if it was more entertaining watching the older women squeeze into dresses 2 sizes too small for them or the men working the room to butter up women for higher bids. It is an ego thing. These men need the highest bid to validate themselves as the most eligible bachelor (most recently born or divorced). There were the few absolutely gorgeous (from across the room – not up close), young women there as well.

After studying animal behavior, I concluded that there was an order of events for the evening. The older women, with the masks and the finest jewelry/clothing were there to write the checks. These women had once been the most gorgeous ladies of Beverly Hills and were models in their time (like the 1950’s). These women were continually approached by the bachelors who kissed them and gave courtesy pats on their tushes to make them still feel sexy at 75. The younger bachelors would come up with their cheezy outfits that could double as stripper costumes. There were twins who were Vogue models, dressed in tuxedos with detachable arms that could tear away for easy access. The old men couldn’t pull off the stripper tuxes so they would introduce themselves and tell you that they have a Ferrari or Lamborghini outside. I was introduced to an elderly man who explained to me that his 2012 Ferrari was being fixed but that the 2013 is on its way. Great! Are you still going to be alive to drive it when it arrives?

The younger women waited after all the older women wrote the checks for the bachelors. They would then attack and steal the bachelors after the ink on the check wasn’t even dry.  I guess these young ladies never learned to respect their elders. I met a few women who had boyfriends but were there for charity (charity named after themselves-they probably carried stamps with their full names for ease of filling out checks). There was one lady that was 37 years old. I could not help but have my eyes shift down to her chest because they were literally poking me in the eye. I have no idea what kind of undergarments she wore but they supported her in a way that you could not look at her face first. I noticed that she had beautiful eyes as she bent over to help me off the floor after she knocked me down with her gigantic breasts. It was nice of her to help me up.  She explained that she was dating a guy in the bachelor auction who was around 60 years old. Hmmmm, that is gross. But, in the same breath she told me that her other boyfriend was 29 and watching her baby at home. Did I hear this right? I asked her to clarify and she continued to explain that she had been married 4 times. I asked what her parent’s thought and her response was “they loved her”. Sure, they loved her and the checks she brought home from her menagerie of husbands and boyfriends.

I did notice a lot of the middle-aged ladies looked alike. I could not really put my finger on it. I watched and studied and I finally figured it out. They all had the same nose! Or lack of nose. It was like Michael Jackson’s pinched area on his face where there used to be a nose. Then, I discovered that they all went to the same plastic surgeon and that cleared my confusion immediately.

Melanys Guydline #21 – You do not go to a bachelor charity auction to meet an eligible man because all you will meet are women! But, do get the name of their plastic surgeon so that you can keep your nose away from him by any means necessary.

**Stay snarky my friends!**

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6 Responses to Bachelor Auction – cash or check?

  1. miguel nolasco October 23, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    HOLY COW , I would have left right away but, it had to had been an eye-opener to see the REAL HOUSEWIVES Of BEVERLY HILLS in person. YOU are one brave sweet person MELANY !!!

    • Melany October 24, 2012 at 8:39 am #

      I did not stick it out that long, but long enough to get some good writing material.

  2. Erin October 23, 2012 at 7:20 pm #

    Now I get it…..all we need is a 29 year old to stay at home with the kids!!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!! Very glamorous indeed!

    • Melany October 24, 2012 at 8:39 am #

      Yes – that sounds fantastic. Can I pick what he looks like and what he will wear when I come home? LOL

  3. Issac December 31, 2012 at 10:35 am #

    Great post, really enjoyed it!
    — Issac

    • Melany January 15, 2013 at 7:51 am #

      Thanks Isaac. One of my favorites to date.

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