July, 2014 | Funny Lifestyle & Relationship Blog With A Snarky Twist: MelanysGuydlines

Read These Tweets While You Sheet

By Melany on July 29, 2014 in Snarky

Twitter. You do it, get it, are addicted to it and prefer it to Facebook or you are scared of it because you don’t know “how” to tweet. For some reason, Twitter is like the Chupacabra of social media conquering. It is like an endless labyrinth and David Bowie may live there but I haven’t followed him yet. One of the most common questions people ask me is can I “teach” them how to tweet. Really? Do you have thoughts in your brain? Good. Then, sit down, sign up and tweet whatever is in your head. Find things you like… Continue Reading

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Got Wrinkles? Win $290 of Nerium AD Face & Body Firm Cream

By Melany on July 23, 2014 in Goodies

Got wrinkles? There is an app for that and Melanysguydlines has an exclusive opportunity for you to get rid of your wrinkles without sticking needles in your face. People always card me and I tell them to limit their botox consumption because too much of anything is not a good look. Talking to you Mr. Manilow and Mrs. Kidman. But, after my moving ordeal with Jiminy, I felt like I was looking a little “worked” and worn out. My friend told me about this cream she was using on her face to reduce wrinkles, fine lines, redness and sent me… Continue Reading

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Dating: 16 Reasons I Swiped & X’d Your Face on Tinder

By Melany on July 21, 2014 in Greatest Hits, Relationships

I first heard about Tinder, the dating app, a few years back when I saw a super risqué AD on a billboard driving down Sunset Blvd in Hollywood. Someone told me that it was just a hook up site for guys that were not interested in me – just interested in each other. So, I disregarded this little app for quite sometime until a friend suggested I give it a try a few months back. To my surprise there were a lot of guys looking for girls and I threw my hat in the ring. Why not? Right? It really… Continue Reading

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Win $100 To Stub Hub & Take Me With You

By Melany on July 16, 2014 in Goodies

UPDATE to my psycho ex Jiminy Cricket saga. I moved out, got alimony and secured custody of Teddy Brewksi. I WIN! I WIN! Now, I am giving you a chance to win $100 to StubHub. Plus, I am cricket free and ready to celebrate! Partnering with my girl Helene from Helene In Between again for this giveaway. She is off to Europe and I am off to, well, …..NO WHERE (and am excited about it and not having to pack and unpack). While Helene travels Europe and I stop traveling, kick back and set out what I was meant to… Continue Reading

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19 Things That Make Moving Worse Than It Already Is

By Melany on July 14, 2014 in Greatest Hits, Snarky

It is 4:45 AM and I am writing to you from my mass exodus from a place called Cricketville. I have been there and none of you need to go there. Take my word for it. I have experience with creepy crawlies and in the past week I felt them crawling all over. You know? That horrible feeling you have when you can’t decide where to itch first because “something” is crawling ALL OVER YOUR BODY and won’t go away. Not to worry! I have found my salvation in a hotel called the Valley Ho until I can be safely… Continue Reading

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Pepper Spray, My New Accessory: As Seen On The Steve Harvey Show

By Melany on July 10, 2014 in Goodies

It is no secret that I deal with creeps on a daily basis. I had enough of the guys who “drive their rent” in LA and decided to relocate to the dessert in the middle of the summer for a little while. Yes, I know it is 115 degrees and hot but I love it here. I am a Wildcat for life and Arizona holds a special place in my heart for so many reasons. This time around, I am in Scottsdale checking things (and MEN) out to see if I like it. So far, I love Arizona and the… Continue Reading

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10 Snarky Rules for Dating My Owner: Woofed by Teddy Brewski

By Melany on July 5, 2014 in Greatest Hits, Relationships

Happy day after the 4th of July aka July 5, 2014. I am writing to you from HOT Arizona and was supposed to be unpacking these past few days but my AC is non operable, neither toilets are working and I had more than enough creepy crawlies in my place that I had to check into a hotel. There is more to this story and is a contender for the Greatest Hits section but I wanted to post something super cute today. While I am in the process of shuffling clothes, shoes and purses from one area code to another,… Continue Reading

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