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Oops I did it again…via text

By on April 10, 2013 in Relationships

Drunk dialing is never a good thing for dating or in any situation, no exceptions. I’m still waiting for some 15-year old computer super genius to create the “Breathalyzer app” that only allows me (and the rest of the 20 something population) the privilege of operating my iPhone only if I blow within the legal limit.  I am a firm believer that if I cannot legally drive a car, I should not be legally allowed to call or text anyone. While a late night drive-through or the DiGiorno in my freezer usually consumes my thoughts as my friends and I… Continue Reading

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Paranormal Movie Out Today: So funny it’s scary

By on April 9, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky
Paranormal Activity

“Hello – yeah, ummmm WHAT? You want to film a movie at my house, uhhhh YEAH –hello?’ True conversation that happened right before my life got weird(er) and Kevin Farley’s film, “Paranormal Movie” moved into my home. Yes, the entire movie and everyone in my house, with ME. The producers told me the movie was going to be easy and that they didn’t need to bother the city of Beverly Hills with “all that crap”. So, when I opened my front door and saw a Pepsi semi-trailer-truck in my driveway preparing to unload enough soda to quench the thirst of… Continue Reading

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Melanysguydlines.com Team: Snarky true life experts

By on April 9, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky
Snarky team of melanysguydlines.com

Yesterday, the Melanysguydlines.com team met for the fist time at the Roosevelt Hotel Pool in Hollywood for a windy and long lunch (with beer and grey goose sodas). I am so proud of what has been accomplished here in under a year! This process has been hard work but I am starting to see it pay off! I hope that you have enjoyed my journey thus far and continue to laugh with us about the stupidity of people, craziness of life, chaos of dating and navigating this totally trippy world with a huge helping of snark. Life is too hard… Continue Reading

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Matt’s Guydlines : Dating Dos and Don’ts From Someone Who Shouldn’t Date

By on April 8, 2013 in Relationships

It’s Sunday night and I’m caught in a deep internet rabbit hole.  You know, the kind of night where you spend two hours recollecting the demise of Pauly Shore or scaring yourself into believing that Andrew W.K. is the antichrist.  This time, it’s a much darker and more shameful place — checking up on ex-girlfriends on various forms of social media. This one has a new dog.  This one has a new….HUSBAND!?  I’m happy to see everyone’s moved on here…(Seriously Matt, it was junior year of high school.  Did you think she was going to propose to you sometime soon?)… Continue Reading

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MG’s house of snark: Welcomes intern Libby D

By on April 7, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky
Intern for Melanysguydlines

I am so proud to tell you all that the Melanysguydlines.com family is growing in leaps and bounds. Since I only lasted in my sorority for a week (because I didn’t care what way food needed to be passed around a table and was a horrible follower) it is only fitting that I have a pledge in the MG house. I am going to rush her like she should be rushed and groom her to be the best MG mini me ever! We hope that she can stay a while but are happy to have her for as long as… Continue Reading

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Weekend Preview : Final Four Primer

By on April 4, 2013 in Fans, Snarky

It’s been a long, ugly road to get here.  Between the lowest scoring output since 1985 (zzzz) and Kevin Ware treating us to a glance of his skeleton, you might have hopped off the March Madness bandwagon by this point.  I’m here to tell you to stick it out, because we have two killer matchups for Saturday in Atlanta.  Here’s the guydlines breakdown. (9) Wichita St. v (1) Louisville Saturday, April 6 3:09 PM PT  TV: CBS At this stage of the tournament, throw seeds out the window.  Actually, at any stage of the tournament, throw logic out the window.  Louisville… Continue Reading

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Foo Fighters: Wins for no talent, bad chops, & worst band name ever!

By on April 3, 2013 in Music Biz, Snarky

I was not impressed or excited to hear that Dave Grohl was talking and playing  SXSW in Austin, which is one of the biggest music festivals of the year. I just don’t get it. The rock n’ roll community needs to step up and embrace real musicians and good music. Just wander into any bar in Austin, and I guarantee you will find more talent than the Foo Fighters. I saw a girl weighing 95 lbs (soaking wet) rock a bar and schlep a bass around the perimeter for hours during her set. She sang too (and well). Or, what… Continue Reading

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Kevin Ware’s Injury : A Breakdown

By on April 1, 2013 in Fans, Snarky

Every day — whether I’m conscious of it or not — is an effort to avoid passing out.  You see, I deal with an incredibly mild, and completely self-diagnosed case of anxiety disorder.  My understanding of the term is thin, but I know it involves phobias, breathing into paper bags and Xanax prescriptions.  My issue?  I tend to collapse like somebody pulled my plug when I see shit like I saw on Sunday.  You could have given me a king size Xannie bar, and it would have had no affect when I saw poor Kevin Ware’s leg snap like something… Continue Reading

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Matt’s Bio

By on April 1, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky

That being said, one thing we did have was basketball.  The iconic, sepia-toned shots of Hoops hanging on barns.  Hoosiers for Christ sakes.  So when a bleach blonde, Beverly Hills sucker wanted to wax poetic about her perspective on roundball, I’m licking my chops.  Enter Arizona Wildcat basketball fanatic Melany G.  I wrote a piece that can be found RIGHT HERE that came to Melany’s attention, and as fate would have it, I hardly mention her team from Tucson.  In fact, I dive head first into denouncing Pac-12 teams in general, dismissing the current state of West Coast hoops as… Continue Reading

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Sweet Sixteen Ain’t So Sweet For Me

By on April 1, 2013 in Fans, Snarky

So, as you all know my Arizona Wildcats lost (got robbed by terrible officiating) in the Sweet Sixteen last week. But, just attending such sporting events always makes for good people watching (bashing). I need to send a special shout out to the couple in front of me (who probably paid $1000 a ticket). The woman was more interested in reading the Wall Street Journal by holding the paper directly above her head to read it (holding it straight in front of her eyes was just not good enough). I can tell her exactly what she was reading and she… Continue Reading

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