It is 4:45 AM and I am writing to you from my mass exodus from a place called Cricketville. I have been there and none of you need to go there. Take my word for it. I have experience with creepy crawlies and in the past week I felt them crawling all over. You know? That horrible feeling you have when you can’t decide where to itch first because “something” is crawling ALL OVER YOUR BODY and won’t go away. Not to worry! I have found my salvation in a hotel called the Valley Ho until I can be safely relocated to the new digs. Plus, I have a rockstar mom who is up right now ready to come assist in the rescue. Hope she is standing in line drinking a bloody Mary because she caught the worm for being an early bird. Thanks MOM!
Well, moving sucks. What do they say about taxes and moving? Yes. We all hate it until we get comfy in our new digs and have that spot on the couch to chillax, place to set our oversize shampoo bottles when they just don’t seem to fit the same way they fit in your shower at your old place, a perfect spot for that awkward size purse, nook for your accessories that you did not have at your previous residence and finding the ideal spot to take selfies to post on instagram with the best natural sunlight that doesn’t require yoga training. It is a long road to finally achieving perfect photo light location in new zip codes and I am not nearly there yet.
In my last post, I gave you a little run down about what was happening but let me just rewind, remix, number and describe the 19 things that could make moving worse than it already is – impossible you say? NO. These can only happen to me, all at the same time, and within a 5-day period.
1. Driving through 114 degree sand, sans window tint (thanks asshole cop in LA with nothing better to do) with your white ball of fluff to your final destination while dreaming of sitting on the porcelain goddess you are soon to become bff’s with ASAP. Upon arrival to your new digs, you make a mad dash for that toilet (while currently storing 2 Aquafina bottles in your bladder from the past 2 hours) only to be greeted by 5 dead bugs, ass down, legs up right next to your bowl. No. No. No. Go. Go. Go.
2. Chalking up the bugs to “eh” it is the summer in the desert only to find after doing your duty and mustering up the nerve to pick up each bug and place in bowl, the handle does not jiggle at all. Toilet won’t flush. It’s broken! To make it worse, your first introduction to the handyman is asking him to flush your pee along with some dead bugs down the drain. After he flushes the bugs and your handy work he looks up and tells you that the toilet will not last 24 hours and a part needs to be replaced. Fantastic. So, you ask him about the other bathroom only to find out that the second toilet is so bad that he needs to turn off the water and warns you not to use it. Check. No Taco Bell or water, like, ever?
3. After the bathroom incident and discovering the inability for your toilet to handle anything at all, you decide to go and have a bite to eat. Smart. Well, following your yummy din din you decide to walk the dog around your new surroundings. What was that? WHAT THE F@#$@#$ WAS THAT? Oh not to worry it was only a bug the size of a small dog. Bigger than the one Paris Hilton used to hold as an accessory back in the day when people knew who she was prior to her pathetic attempt of calling herself a DJ. Long. Long time ago. Anyway – HOLY SHIT – RUN!!!! You heard bugs bite and don’t want to find out.
4. After making it back through the jungle of Babylon (because for some reason the beautifully maintained property with lush greenery you saw last week has now become an aggressive jungle with an even louder soundtrack from every bug singing the same song) you meander into to your condo only to find that the temperature is hotter inside than out and that is weird because the thermometer is reading 100 outside. Being a snarky, crafty person you attempt to fix the AC unit with is cranked at polar ice temp to feel a nice hot breeze coming from the vents. WHAT? You have to be kidding me. So, you call the concierge and they send a workman who has not shared your bathroom humor to fix the problem. Easy right? NO! Bad news. You have a broken compressor and the part can take up to a month to get!!!! WHAT?
5. Now what? It is sauna temperature in your new place and you can’t drink any water because what are you going to do once it goes through you into that bowl? Call a hotel and relocate. DONE. Pack up, your unpacked, packed things for you and your dog and find a hotel after a day from hell. Check. Reservations are easy (If you need help, I can teach you).
6. But, just kidding. Before you leave you attempt to make a call to your mom and tell her the latest when the phone does—– not work? Hmmm. So, you text and she calls so clearly the long distance does not work inside this place. No biggie.
7. When your mom calls you take a minute, sit on the couch and talk to her. While talking you grab the TV remote to check what is going on in this world outside of this psychotic, biosphere you have decided to relocate to for 3 months but there is “NO SIGNAL” and that is the worse message ever! What do you mean? The TV does not work and neither does the TV in the bedroom.
8. Check into hotel but realize it is the Fourth of July weekend and you are not getting any sleep because everyone else is having fun and watching fireworks. Not you. The only fireworks going on are the red and blue kind out of your brain in disbelief of the luck only you can have.
9. It’s a new dawn. It is a new day. Determined to start your cleanse while living in the hotel but don’t have any room in the mini bar for the fresh produce or items required to shake. Shake, snack, shake, SHIT!
10. Go back to condo to check on the portable AC unit placed in the condo by management only to discover you are now living in a swamp. Portable AC doesn’t work and you can pass on it in the Costco aisle.
11. So you wait until it is a little cooler than 111 degrees outside and venture back into the apartment after schlepping all the organizational tools necessary for someone with OCD and ADD purchased from Bed, Bath and Beyond to the Container store. While unloading your shopping bags previously digging a red indentation in your arm from the weight, you notice something. More than one thing. Many things. Crickets. Jiminy Cricket and his entire family seeking revenge on you for a bad date. They are crawling out of the skylight at warp speed and you shake your head in disbelief. Back to the hotel Valley Ho.
12. Discover that it is not only a leak in the skylight providing a waterslide for Jiminy and his family but that you have matching leaks in the master bedroom as well. Jiminy tried to get in bed with me that night but I was not ready to make up. So, back to the Valley Ho.
13. Where is the owner of this condo? Oh, yeah. He is out of the country on a cruise ship and unreachable eating cookies, sipping a Pina Colada in an air conditioned suite on the way to Monte Carlo. Email does work overseas right? Well, apparently not for this owner.
14. Another new day and the management promises to take the skylight off and seal it from the wrath of the bugs (count is totaling close to 100 crickets now). But, you must vacate the premises for 8 hours while they recreate the Berlin Wall above your head. You need to grab something for your shakes because you are determined to keep your cleanse and the drawer breaks. It is broken and back to the hotel for the workmen to start construction on a unit you only rented for 3months.
15. Back to the Hotel Valle Ho!
16. Next day. Bring dog to the condo and finish unpacking or packing or unpacking? He freaks out and starts running around in circles like a tornado and you try to see what the hell is going on. He won’t let you so you must find a vet that will see your beloved best friend but your dog does not have a vet yet since you have only been in the state for a few days. Thankfully, you figure it out and take your dog to get a shot which knocks him out for the next 24 hours from the reaction to all the bug spray in your money pit.
17. Go back and try after everything is sealed, sprayed and fixed but you notice the dog sitting really weird on the couch. What the hell? Of course. It is broken and half on the floor. Goes with the territory.
18. Attempt to catch up on a weeks worth of emails and at 11PM hear your dog barking. What? Oh, crickets. More crickets from everywhere. In the stove and in my ears. On my clothes and by my dog. CRICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHTZEE, UNCLE OR WHATEVER GAME WE ARE PLAYING – You are done because you have to be on a hidden camera reality show right now. No. More bugs and now they won’t die. They are mad and they are not going to take my stuff, my dog or me moving into their condo. Message received loud and clear.
19. I want my money back. Go back to hotel. Find a new place to house you, your dog, and your belongings in 24 hours or the owner of said condo is going to charge your clothes and shoes rent for being in his bug infested shit hole.
**Stay snarky my friends!**
EWWWW I would be freaking the hell out!!WTF??!!
I have been!
I am sure…friggin nasty! lol I didn’t even know you were moving.I am slacking I guess 😛
Yes for a little while….
OMG!!!!! I would be so pissed and hell no on any CHARGES the owner plans on billing you for. I would have not even put up with that ONE DAMN HOUR!! Glad to hear you are relocating to a new place and still have the Valley Ho to accommodate yours and Teddy’s needs!! DAMN!! August 8th weekend in Vegas is looking very, very good for you right now!! I hope the 2nd move is fast and easy for you and Teddy and THANK GO FOR MOMS!! Drink lots of water and don’t let that heat get the best of you! Hope the cleanse is working out for you too. I just did a 10 day Advocare cleanse about two weeks ago and it was amazing. FELT SOOOO GOOD!! I plan on doing every 3 months now. Well Mel, good luck and bubbbbye Jimmy Cricket and his family!! EWWWWWWW!!
HHAHAHA!! Thanks for the comment – this is the first time I could log on to computer since the mass exodus. Yes, Vegas please. Isagenix – is what I am doing and LOVE it too~~~
Holy cow! That is awful! I had a similar experience when I first moved in with my husband. Well, he was working overseas, and he was renting a basement room from friends, so technically I moved in with his friends and his stuff for a while. In a basement. With poor plumbing. And bugs. At one point, I called my mother and told her I felt like the Pharoah in Egypt, and if someone would just tell me who to let go, I’d let them go! After a particularly stressful day, and yet another huge fight with one of his friends (who really didn’t want me there), I finally told my husband (who was only my boyfriend at the time) that we were moving. He got to choose what side of town he wanted to move to, but I picked out the new place! I hope you find somewhere else to live quickly! Good luck!
Thanks for the comment. Looks like the bug saga is over and I did find a new place! Even got the internet set up and ready to blog!
Melany, this is unbelievable. You are hysterical. Everyone needs to read this one. I guess you don’t need to be in BH to have some outrageous experiences.
Can’t wait for your next adventure.
Thanks! Yeah – this was a good one. Too bad I had to suffer through it! LOL
OMG OMG!! gross. moving sucks but THAT really sucks!
Yes and yes! Have a great trip and hope it is bug free~
I just moved from KY to TX last month with two kids and three cats in tow. Still unpacking here. Not fun.
I am almost done unpacking…..again! Congrats on your move. I agree – no fun! Thanks for the comment.
Oh my god…… Love the ending part of #2…lol Taco Bell and Water… um BUTT….. no toilet…. hahahahaha. Loved this all but also hope you are fairing better tonight. Love to you!! and Love to Mom. xoxo
HAA!!! Thanks and thank you for the comment. WE are doing well now – no bugs only Teddy Brewskis running around my floor. xoxo
Well, at least it was just a #1 in item #2, right? Bright side.
HAHAHAH! YEP! Thankfully 🙂
CRAP!!! That is infuriating!!! Where the HELL IS THAT anyway? I want to be sure to NEVER go there. Surely it’s not Beverly Hills? Let’s HOPE NOT! Glad Teddy is better. Poor thing.
It was so frustrating! I gave it a good college try before saying enough is enough!
OMG! I would be so incredibly pissed! What a slumlord this owner is!! I hope you have it all worked out now. And poor puppy 🙁
Poor puppy but he love the hotel! I am in my new place and cricket free~
Moving for most sucks but I have to say you win the coveted “Grossest Moving Experience EVER” Award! Well, you would if there were such a thing! Hey, you know, you should have tried cooking them up and selling them, I hear they make tasty snacks and could have walked away with a little extra cashola! Just sayin’
HA! There was someone on sharktank with “cricket” snack bars!