It is 4:45 AM and I am writing to you from my mass exodus from a place called Cricketville. I have been there and none of you need to go there. Take my word for it. I have experience with creepy crawlies and in the past week I felt them crawling all over. You know? That horrible feeling you have when you can’t decide where to itch first because “something” is crawling ALL OVER YOUR BODY and won’t go away. Not to worry! I have found my salvation in a hotel called the Valley Ho until I can be safely relocated to the new digs. Plus, I have a rockstar mom who is up right now ready to come assist in the rescue. Hope she is standing in line drinking a bloody Mary because she caught the worm for being an early bird. Thanks MOM!
Well, moving sucks. What do they say about taxes and moving? Yes. We all hate it until we get comfy in our new digs and have that spot on the couch to chillax, place to set our oversize shampoo bottles when they just don’t seem to fit the same way they fit in your shower at your old place, a perfect spot for that awkward size purse, nook for your accessories that you did not have at your previous residence and finding the ideal spot to take selfies to post on instagram with the best natural sunlight that doesn’t require yoga training. It is a long road to finally achieving perfect photo light location in new zip codes and I am not nearly there yet.
In my last post, I gave you a little run down about what was happening but let me just rewind, remix, number and describe the 19 things that could make moving worse than it already is – impossible you say? NO. These can only happen to me, all at the same time, and within a 5-day period.
1. Driving through 114 degree sand, sans window tint (thanks asshole cop in LA with nothing better to do) with your white ball of fluff to your final destination while dreaming of sitting on the porcelain goddess you are soon to become bff’s with ASAP. Upon arrival to your new digs, you make a mad dash for that toilet (while currently storing 2 Aquafina bottles in your bladder from the past 2 hours) only to be greeted by 5 dead bugs, ass down, legs up right next to your bowl. No. No. No. Go. Go. Go.
2. Chalking up the bugs to “eh” it is the summer in the desert only to find after doing your duty and mustering up the nerve to pick up each bug and place in bowl, the handle does not jiggle at all. Toilet won’t flush. It’s broken! To make it worse, your first introduction to the handyman is asking him to flush your pee along with some dead bugs down the drain. After he flushes the bugs and your handy work he looks up and tells you that the toilet will not last 24 hours and a part needs to be replaced. Fantastic. So, you ask him about the other bathroom only to find out that the second toilet is so bad that he needs to turn off the water and warns you not to use it. Check. No Taco Bell or water, like, ever?
3. After the bathroom incident and discovering the inability for your toilet to handle anything at all, you decide to go and have a bite to eat. Smart. Well, following your yummy din din you decide to walk the dog around your new surroundings. What was that? WHAT THE F@#$@#$ WAS THAT? Oh not to worry it was only a bug the size of a small dog. Bigger than the one Paris Hilton used to hold as an accessory back in the day when people knew who she was prior to her pathetic attempt of calling herself a DJ. Long. Long time ago. Anyway – HOLY SHIT – RUN!!!! You heard bugs bite and don’t want to find out.
4. After making it back through the jungle of Babylon (because for some reason the beautifully maintained property with lush greenery you saw last week has now become an aggressive jungle with an even louder soundtrack from every bug singing the same song) you meander into to your condo only to find that the temperature is hotter inside than out and that is weird because the thermometer is reading 100 outside. Being a snarky, crafty person you attempt to fix the AC unit with is cranked at polar ice temp to feel a nice hot breeze coming from the vents. WHAT? You have to be kidding me. So, you call the concierge and they send a workman who has not shared your bathroom humor to fix the problem. Easy right? NO! Bad news. You have a broken compressor and the part can take up to a month to get!!!! WHAT?
5. Now what? It is sauna temperature in your new place and you can’t drink any water because what are you going to do once it goes through you into that bowl? Call a hotel and relocate. DONE. Pack up, your unpacked, packed things for you and your dog and find a hotel after a day from hell. Check. Reservations are easy (If you need help, I can teach you).
6. But, just kidding. Before you leave you attempt to make a call to your mom and tell her the latest when the phone does—– not work? Hmmm. So, you text and she calls so clearly the long distance does not work inside this place. No biggie.
7. When your mom calls you take a minute, sit on the couch and talk to her. While talking you grab the TV remote to check what is going on in this world outside of this psychotic, biosphere you have decided to relocate to for 3 months but there is “NO SIGNAL” and that is the worse message ever! What do you mean? The TV does not work and neither does the TV in the bedroom.
8. Check into hotel but realize it is the Fourth of July weekend and you are not getting any sleep because everyone else is having fun and watching fireworks. Not you. The only fireworks going on are the red and blue kind out of your brain in disbelief of the luck only you can have.
9. It’s a new dawn. It is a new day. Determined to start your cleanse while living in the hotel but don’t have any room in the mini bar for the fresh produce or items required to shake. Shake, snack, shake, SHIT!
10. Go back to condo to check on the portable AC unit placed in the condo by management only to discover you are now living in a swamp. Portable AC doesn’t work and you can pass on it in the Costco aisle.
11. So you wait until it is a little cooler than 111 degrees outside and venture back into the apartment after schlepping all the organizational tools necessary for someone with OCD and ADD purchased from Bed, Bath and Beyond to the Container store. While unloading your shopping bags previously digging a red indentation in your arm from the weight, you notice something. More than one thing. Many things. Crickets. Jiminy Cricket and his entire family seeking revenge on you for a bad date. They are crawling out of the skylight at warp speed and you shake your head in disbelief. Back to the hotel Valley Ho.
12. Discover that it is not only a leak in the skylight providing a waterslide for Jiminy and his family but that you have matching leaks in the master bedroom as well. Jiminy tried to get in bed with me that night but I was not ready to make up. So, back to the Valley Ho.
13. Where is the owner of this condo? Oh, yeah. He is out of the country on a cruise ship and unreachable eating cookies, sipping a Pina Colada in an air conditioned suite on the way to Monte Carlo. Email does work overseas right? Well, apparently not for this owner.
14. Another new day and the management promises to take the skylight off and seal it from the wrath of the bugs (count is totaling close to 100 crickets now). But, you must vacate the premises for 8 hours while they recreate the Berlin Wall above your head. You need to grab something for your shakes because you are determined to keep your cleanse and the drawer breaks. It is broken and back to the hotel for the workmen to start construction on a unit you only rented for 3months.
15. Back to the Hotel Valle Ho!
16. Next day. Bring dog to the condo and finish unpacking or packing or unpacking? He freaks out and starts running around in circles like a tornado and you try to see what the hell is going on. He won’t let you so you must find a vet that will see your beloved best friend but your dog does not have a vet yet since you have only been in the state for a few days. Thankfully, you figure it out and take your dog to get a shot which knocks him out for the next 24 hours from the reaction to all the bug spray in your money pit.
17. Go back and try after everything is sealed, sprayed and fixed but you notice the dog sitting really weird on the couch. What the hell? Of course. It is broken and half on the floor. Goes with the territory.
18. Attempt to catch up on a weeks worth of emails and at 11PM hear your dog barking. What? Oh, crickets. More crickets from everywhere. In the stove and in my ears. On my clothes and by my dog. CRICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHTZEE, UNCLE OR WHATEVER GAME WE ARE PLAYING – You are done because you have to be on a hidden camera reality show right now. No. More bugs and now they won’t die. They are mad and they are not going to take my stuff, my dog or me moving into their condo. Message received loud and clear.
19. I want my money back. Go back to hotel. Find a new place to house you, your dog, and your belongings in 24 hours or the owner of said condo is going to charge your clothes and shoes rent for being in his bug infested shit hole.
**Stay snarky my friends!**