1. The need for women to wear clothes they would never be caught dead in within a 500mile radius of their hometown. Just because you are in Vegas does not mean you need to dress like the hookers waiting for the unsuspecting and recently paid out nerd who just won the $6,000 progressive on his first time in Vegas. Listen buddy, lightening doesn’t strike in the same place twice and your luck is not THAT good. Oh and remember my Miss Piggy post ladies and gents? If you have a friend wearing a sausage casing doubling as a dress – tell her. It is you duty to mankind.
2. People drinking way beyond their capacity. You don’t drink like that at home and I promise that when you touch down at McCarran airport – you don’t get a back up liver. So, pace yourself and for the love of Wilbur, your head and liver. Drink some water in between whatever fruity concoction you are throwing back. It is the desert and you will be dry as a bone or looking for someone to throw you one while locked in the drunk tank.
3. Gambling your rent, car or livelihood. If you need that money for pampers next week you should choose a different vacation destination. Again, just because there are shiny lights and bells should not mean you should pour your next month rents or car payment into the Wheel of Fortune. Yes, this counts even if you HEAR someone just won a 1.5 million jackpot on a $5 machine. That person did win but it was not YOU.
4. Lines. Ques. Where ever you are from I’m SURE they exist so get in it and stop cutting people off.
5. Drunk in public. Do I really need to elaborate? Special shout out to the girl getting carried home, the couple having sex in the lobby and the other person who mistakenly relieved themselves on the strip.
6. Yelling. Girls on your first Vegas trip-we know you are virgins since you are all wearing the variation of the same color bandage dress. Did you get those on discount? There is no need to yell “Vegas” because they announced, “Welcome to Vegas” when we got here. We know where we are. Do you?
7. Married men who think it is OK to hit on women. You are in Las Vegas. Your ring still means something here even if you pawned it to play in the poker tournament.
8. Gambling faux pas. If you don’t know how, ask. Don’t be a jackass and sit third bass to ruin it for the rest of the table and please don’t yell “HIT that!”
9. Street crossing. When the red hand is up on that light it still means – DON’T WALK! Why do you think people get hit by cars every single day in Las Vegas? BEEP!
10. Shopping addiction. Trust me, if you can’t afford that Chanel purse or that Rolex at home – you still can’t afford it while in Vegas. This especially goes for that guy hitting the 20-blackjack hand on the tables at the Hard Rock.
11. Walking. Women or men should not be wearing heels over 5inches tall. You couldn’t balance on them when you tried them on in the store and you sure as hell can’t after those Jell-O shots. You look like a baby horse trying to take its first steps and it does not look hot with that horrific dress. Opt for shoes you can actually walk in. MMM K? Paradiso anyone?
12. Walking barefoot. Do you know what happens in Vegas? Well, your feet will never be the same and I suggest you get some VERY good socks and when you get home – burn them!
14. Marketing person for the MGM Grand Casino. I know the stories behind the lights, sounds, music and temperature control and how they want us to gamble away our hard earned money like Teddy Brewski on steroids. But, whoever thought of spreading the word about an “old machine that has NEVER hit and is at a$2 million+ jackpot” is a GENIUS. Why didn’t all those people wait in line to hit that button and take a chance on this random machine when it was at $1million or even $1.5 million? Plus, the camera crew and news coverage is a brilliant idea. BRAVO and TOUCHE – I thought I was the marketing guru! (Of course, I am still waiting in line just like everybody else!)
15. Guys in large groups yelling out “Sexy” or “Damn” at the top of their lungs to women passing by. Do you think they are going to stop and give you their number? They are not and you know those guys on construction sites that do the same – well, how has it worked for them so far?
16. All you can eat buffet does not actually mean you should eat the ENTIRE buffet.
17. Lucky number – I don’t care why you play that number and neither does the host, pit boss or my poor mom waiting to play her lucky numbers at the roulette table. Just play!
18. Don’t forget to stick some money in a sock, bra, or undergarment so you have enough to get home!
**Stay snarky my friends!**