It pains me to tell you, John (if that is even your name) but I must move on without you in my life. I want to thank you for having a complete mental breakdown in my apartment (because it alerted me that you need some professional help and the need for this letter). I just texted you my therapist’s name and number and he will be expecting your call. He DEFINITELY knows who you are and that I referred you (I get $100 off for every person I refer, so I am getting free therapy for at least the next two years). You may need to leave a message because my referrals have been quite lucrative and he is VERY busy. But, I PROMISE it is worth it and necessary (especially after telling me that you got off your meds). My Dr. will be sure to get you on something (STRONGER) ASAP!
I did have some great times together and will miss them so much. I will really miss the kisses I got every morning and all through the day. The long walks on the beach and morning coffee at the café. I will miss staring into those big brown eyes, running my fingers through that thick hair, and gazing at those chiseled facial features. Truly, one of the best looking I have seen in a while! Laying around on a lazy morning sharing my breakfast in bed will never be the same. I have never experienced this kind of loving attention and affection. There has never been anyone that has listened to me the same way and let me speak my mind without interruption. Most of all I will miss your wagging tail. Relay these things to your dog because I want HER to know exactly how I feel about HER and that I will miss HER so much. If she would like to get together, I am free for HER.
I love your dog and especially our “special” relationship. She brought me lovely gifts and I wish I could have spent even more time with her. But, I am not sure where you hide her or if you just rent her out since you accidentally let it slip that you do not live down the street but on your sister’s couch. Please let me know if I can help you out in any way by providing her a place to stay. I feel badly to think that the two of you will be sharing a couch. She is much too special to share a couch with you and I am willing to offer my bed to HER (since you will never be allowed in mine).
Be assured that I changed our relationship status on Facebook (the one you asked me to change to “in a relationship” after our 4th date). This way, your ex-girlfriend that followed us non-stop in the Marina can now have you back! She will not need to call you incessantly or stop by your house anymore! She will be excited (but I am sure she does not care that you in fact, do not have a job). Good luck with that! I do feel badly that you have no job, but wish you could have told me that before we started dating (you could always be honest with me – your dog has always been honest).
Lastly, I know that you wanted to talk a few weeks ago to try and work things out but for some reason when I returned your phone call (I must have been drunk) there was a recording stating that “I did not have the privileges” to call that number. When my friend called the same number she got you on the phone. (I am sure your dog purchased that additional feature to block my number from calling you, right?) So, it is my privilege to tell you that you can erase my number because you will no longer need it. (But, please give it to your dog).
You may mail your current script for your next character to my address. I will be pleased to review it and decide whether the performance will be more believable than this most recent roll you played for me.
Good luck! Take care! Let me know when your dog is free to hang out.
Not a dummy like all the other blondes you date – Melany
Melany’s Guydline #6 – Never ignore a dog’s warning.
**Stay snarky my friends!**