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AllTwitter, AllFacebook, ALL Nerds Part 2 – Billy Idol should host the next one

By on June 21, 2013 in Dummies, Snarky

Here is the second installment for “guydlines” to the AllFacebook and AllTwitter Social Media Conference in San Francisco (first part here).….come on, if you are going to attend a social media conference and drop the dough (or have your boss drop the cash)  at least make it worth your while or pretend to be interested or just ACT like your interested. I mean you had to get dressed and go to the conference – don’t make it a wasted good makeup or great hair day.  Do something people – look alive. Tweeting incessantly during a lecture about Twitter is probably… Continue Reading

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Twitter Follower Appreciation pt. 2 : 5,000!

By on June 19, 2013 in Fans, Snarky
Twitter Birds

OK kids, as promised it’s time to throw a bone to the best friends a blog could ask for — our snarky Twitter followers!  Last month we put together a little thank you once we reached the 3,000 benchmark.  This time, you’ve stepped it up a notch with your love & loyalty, so we’ll reciprocate.  In 2013, so it’s only polite to throw heaps of praise at individuals we’ll never meet.  Did I develop crushes on some of you while I scoured your accounts for funny tweets? It’s possible…. Without further ado, our Melany’s Guydlines Twitter showcase, round 2. Five… Continue Reading

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You Can’t Wash This Potty Mouth Out With Soap

By on June 18, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky

It’s 3 AM.  You’re tired, you’re groggy, and it feels like someone is hammering an ice pick into your bladder.  You stumble out of the comfort of your bed, wandering your hallway like zombie on Walking Dead.  You find the bathroom and find that familiar feel of cold porcelain against your derrière.  Then you drop, what feels like 20 feet, because someone left the seat up.  You’re lucky you’re over a toilet because your built in sprinkler system might have gone off.  The truth is, stories like this occur everyday.  And those suffering PTTE, post-traumatic toilet experience, are wondering if… Continue Reading

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Snarky thank you to you snarky bitches!

By on June 17, 2013 in Fans, Snarky

Well, I made it through another birthday celebration with only 1 more wrinkle, right? Life has been a crazy roller coaster ride and I am not sure which out of my 9 lives I am on, but they are getting more entertaining each and every day. Thank you again for all the love and snarky support for my blog! You all rock! I know that I have a lot of pics of Mel G on here so I thought I would invite you to see some actual photos of my friends and moi. Oh, and some kick ass shoes too…. Continue Reading

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AllTwitter, AllFacebook, ALL Nerds Part 1 – #nerdsdoitbetter or not?

By on June 13, 2013 in Dummies, Snarky
Not paying attention at the conference.

I decided to take a break from LALA land to attend the AllFacebook and AllTwitter Marketing conference in the land of people who make too much money and feel extremely entitled (a.k.a. I would never touch them with a 10 foot pole because I am not attracted to nerds who are assholes because they were so nerdy when they were young and have to overcompensate now that they have money) or the social media community. After spending almost a week in San Francisco I did not conclude that in fact #nerdsdoitbetter. They just don’t. I thought I should give you… Continue Reading

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IT’S MELANYSGUYDLINES AND MY BIRTHDAY WEEK SNARKY BITCHES!

By on June 9, 2013 in Fans, Snarky

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND WE ARE CELEBRATING ONE YEAR FOR MELANYSGUYDLINES.COM!! I CANT BELIEVE HOW FAR WE HAVE COME IN A SHORT YEAR. IT HAS BEEN A LOT OF HARD WORK, SWEAT, TEARS, LAUGHTER, AND SOME OTHER (@!@#$#$%) WORDS! “What a Long Strange Trip It Has Been”  – ain’t that the truth? But only SNARKY bitches get an entire birthday WEEK!   Hope you have taken away a few good “guydlines” for your life that make you laugh! They have helped me digest this crazy life that CHOSE me. It keeps getting weirder every day and I never have a… Continue Reading

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Matt’s Guydlines to Being a Rock Star (Pt. 2 – The Hair)

By on June 4, 2013 in Music Biz, Snarky

Alright people, round 2.  In the month or so since Pt. 1 – The Instrument was published, you should have been able to master your weapon of choice.  Remember, talent is a negligible factor in this equation.  Strap on that stringed conundrum and get your ass in front of a mirror.  Work on your stance, eyebrow gestures and hip gyrations.  Once everything is complementing each other in a hyper-sexualized communion, it’s time to tackle one of the most untamable elements of your rock persona – The Hair. If there’s one steadfast piece of advice I can impart on you in… Continue Reading

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Stay off my online profile MOM

By on May 31, 2013 in Relationships
moms embarassing

I wanted to write something about dating but again, my dating life is slightly boring and totally protected at this point in time. There are a few people I promised I would never write about (unless they did something so ridiculous that it would make it on the “guydlines”) so, unfortunately (for you and not me) there is no fantastic new entry into the hall of shame. Don’t worry; I am sure it won’t be that way for long knowing my amazingly unlucky, luck. However, I have a mother that likes to pry into my business in every which way… Continue Reading

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A Salute to Our Favorite Twitter Followers!

By on May 29, 2013 in Fans, Snarky

Tonight, Melany’s Guydlines (@melanyb12) will hit 3,000 followers, and we here at the office are shamelessly proud.  What’s better than having scores of hilarious “friends” to bolster your internet notoriety?  It’s 2013 man, if you don’t have an online posse, you’re a nobody. Seriously though, we’ve been lucky enough to read some funny shit thanks to some snarky virtual companions.  From this point forward we’re going to make a habit of throwing some of our favorite twitter accounts a bone to show our appreciation for your follow. Five Followers That Crack Us Up @chucklesdowner https://twitter.com/ChucklesDowner/status/339479031940530176 https://twitter.com/ChucklesDowner/status/339479707613556737 @SmashAshSmash https://twitter.com/SmashAshSmash/status/339496656074600449 https://twitter.com/SmashAshSmash/status/339792745923223552 @lwhit_the_boss… Continue Reading

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Spoof on Hot Guy Marketing Trend- Meet Josh Button

By on May 23, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky

Before you embark on your long Memorial Day weekend festivities, I wanted to leave you with a big smile on your face and I know exactly how to do that! This may be my favorite request so far and I could not turn down this opportunity. I am single (still)! Here you go….. Introducing, Josh Button – model, spicy food addict, dog lover, and a HOT GUY. I’m sure you’ve noticed all of the companies using hot guys to market to women, even when their products don’t seem to require a hot guy.  DIET Dr Pepper’s new spot, “Josh Button,”… Continue Reading

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Relationships, matchmakers, babies and aliens?

By on May 21, 2013 in LALA Land, Snarky
Matchmaker make me a match!

I just can’t get on top of my work but am so excited to be presented with a lot of snarky opportunities that I will be able to share like my upcoming interview with a top Matchmaker for VIP and celebrity clients. Her name is Sherri Murphy and her Elite agency matched up the infamous Latoya Jackson on the OWN network (heard of Oprah before?).  I am a little leery of matchmakers. You remember my experience with a matchmaker and how I was set up with a guy who played for the other team? Hope Sherri does a better job… Continue Reading

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MG’s Billboard Music Awards Recap

By on May 20, 2013 in Music Biz, Snarky

I’ll be completely honest with you, I had absolutely no plans of the Billboard Music Awards even registering on my conscious this morning.  On occasion, I’ll pull up the award results in the days following and snicker at media I’ve never consumed earning trophies for their supposed brilliance.  A few awards will always carry some social significance – the Grammy, the Oscar, or the Emmy – and even a few performances have managed to carve out some space in my memory.  For the most part, however, we’re thrown corporate fodder at a runtime well north of a Yankees/Red Sox game…. Continue Reading

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