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Miss Piggy – Guydline for a better looking USA

Upon returning to Los Angeles from San Francisco via automobile, with Teddy Brewski as co-pilot, a few thoughts popped into my head (there were more than that but don’t want you to know all of them)….

Why does everyone driving long distances look as if they could be relatives of the people from “Fragle Rock”?

funny people

These funny people are everywhere! It is as if they LOVE traveling long distances (or just pretend they need to drive a long distance) just so that they can stop at EVERY fast food joint and gas station to feed their faces with all the overly processed, sodium filled food that makes us an obese country. Everything in moderation people! Taco Bell is great once a year because it bloats you like a puffer fish and takes a full year to get out of your system (BIG BEEF burrito supreme with extra tomatoes and a Mexican Pizza – ONCE a year for me please).

The people watching are fantastic on that long boring road of I5 that stretches from Los Angeles to San Francisco. I mean just because we are driving on a road with nothing to do except force talk in the car (when all we want to do is NOT talk), sing wrong words to music barely tuning in, or fight with your dog while he is eating your bra, does not give people the excuse to do really weird things. Does the guy honking and whistling in the big rig think I am actually going to pull over and say “Hi, thanks for whistling and yelling disgusting sexual innuendos at me” and ask him to follow me down the road to go for a drink later? Does the woman who wears no bra and walks to the restroom at the McDonalds (barefoot) with her pock-marked face think there are no other people alive in the state of California that will see her? Is it just me or are rest stops perfect places to film the next “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” both for setting and actors (real life people). They are loaded with these types of people and there is nothing there except for sewage drenched grass (that I would not let Teddy use for his bathroom needs) and a little running water through a hole where we can relieve ourselves during the torturous 7-hour ride.

Alas, great people watching is not limited to your long boring drives but are all around us they just differ in size, shape, and weirdness depending on area code. LA and San Francisco are so different and I love both cities. Beverly Hills is filled with old women with Botox stuffed faces, wearing clothing that I won’t wear because it is inappropriate for a woman MY age, and men you can smell a mile away because they either bathe in cologne or have never bathed at all (or just think it is so Hollywood chic to look and smell dirty).  In San Francisco there seems to be some sort of anti-makeup law, anti-any color but grey, green, and brown (but Giants-orange is GOOD) colored clothing, mandatory ownership of a minimum of 3 North Face jackets (in black or grey), Nag Champa perfume, and women who got their hair extensions done at Salon 1985.

Have you ever had a friend who asked how she looks in what she is wearing and you lie? Of course you do! I have! I HAD a dear friend who always wore dresses 2 sizes two small (channeling Miss Piggy), un-blended makeup and really, bad hair extensions (that looked like they were crawling out of her unwashed hair just trying to get away from her head drenched in cheap perfume and barely masking her stench). One day, one of the hair extensions she never washed fell out in a friend’s car and Miss Piggy picked it up and placed in her “pleather” purse, completely unfazed.

Everyone talked about her and the slutty outfits she would squeeze into resembling a stuffed sausage. Her makeup did not match her face but would have been better suited for someone of Asian decent because it was 3 shades lighter than her actual skin color. It was weird because her body color and shape belonged to an Oompla Loopa from using fake bake and self-tanner orange (an actual new color).

People would always ask me about her or make jokes and I was embarrassed (not for her) but for me! Why was I walking around with this creature without saying anything to her? It made me look bad and I sure didn’t meet any new friends or guys walking with her, actually frightened a few. Wouldn’t you know? She is now happily married and I am still single? Go figure.

EXACTLY!

 

Take a look around. We all know someone like this or see them out an about. If we all had the courage to tell our Miss Piggy’s that they look ridiculous we would procreate for a better-looking USA.

Melany’s Guydline #17 Don’t be afraid that Miss Piggy will eat you if you tell her that her clothes are too tight. You will be helping mankind.

**Stay snarky my friends!**

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20 Responses to Miss Piggy – Guydline for a better looking USA

  1. Erin September 18, 2012 at 6:29 pm #

    OMG!!! So true!!! I’ve made several trips from Texas to LA and the people watching is life changing!!!

    • melanyb12 September 18, 2012 at 6:31 pm #

      Totally! You rock sister and get an award for being a great reader and friend! I really appreciate it.

  2. Stephanie September 18, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

    Nothing tops the Oregon to CA I5 trips. But I was probably the one people were talking about, trying to clean puke from my son with antiseptic wipes from the first aid kit because that was all we have. Think it is time to make new memories. when you coming to CO? Perhaps drive for more material;) Sure your Utah experiance would be nothing but memorable

    • melanyb12 September 19, 2012 at 6:29 am #

      HAHA! Maybe you were one of the people I saw on the last road trip! I would love to make new memories! Thank for the comment! Hope it made you laugh.

  3. Renee Mahan September 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

    I liked that one. Too bad people are not more honest… Friend or not.
    I find it hard to lie to my friends. Can’t fake it I’m afraid. If they want an opinion then they get an opinion. Some have even stopped to ask me anymore. :-). Which by the way, is fine with me too.
    Oh, but that doesn’t mean I won’t comment in something I don’t like or find fugly( yes that is f**king and ugly combined in one word).
    Happy writing Melany, can’t wait for another.

    • melanyb12 September 23, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

      HAHA!!Thanks for the comment! “Fugly” is a great word and need to use it in my next post!

  4. Dana Kenneth Johnson October 27, 2012 at 6:27 am #

    Hilarious and true. Are you interested in correct spelling? If not, don’t read further. “Fraggle Rock” (perhaps you spelled it wrong to avoid trademark copyright infringement) has two g’s. The “Oompla Loopa,” (as you spelled it,) are “Oompa Loompa,” a race of small orange people who work at Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Lastly “Asian descent” is the phrase you were looking for, as opposed to a “decent Asian,” one who likely wouldn’t dress like Miss Piggy.

    • Melany October 27, 2012 at 9:37 am #

      Well, at least you thought it was funny! 🙂

  5. Alexis January 1, 2013 at 7:32 pm #

    Geez Mel, A little mean if this person was/is your friend…or even if they arent. I really like reading your blog, I laugh out loud, and can totally relate to alot but when you put your friends and “ex” friends on blast like that it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth and its just nasty. Not just saying this now because some could assume I know this particular person. I am all for beautiful things but to tear people down soooo harshly in a couple of these posts… Anyways, hope you are doing well. Sending you all of the best this new year. xoxo, Alexis

    • Melany January 2, 2013 at 9:18 am #

      Thanks for reading Lex! Was not supposed to be mean – just writing the truth! Hope you are doing well and happy new year!

  6. Kim April 3, 2013 at 10:41 pm #

    Hey Melany, I am not sure what Alexis is talking about. Isn’t truth among friends important? If not then they are not and never we’re. Feel sorry for them. Actually, have a few like them. Think you are right on. Actually, think that Alexis is a bit much in writing what she did. Hmmm, wonder if she does know a few of these. For that matter if they are ex friends then they really did deserve the blog. Keep going you are great and write what we think and don’t have the guts to put in writing. Love your thought and your blog.

    • Melany April 6, 2013 at 6:52 pm #

      Thanks! I will keep going. There are always people with many different opinions. Not to worry – this was one of my all time favorite blogs and at least I know I always write the truth.

  7. Prince of Pinkness® May 29, 2013 at 3:08 pm #

    What’s it called when a gay guy has a crush on a gorgeous girl? 😉

    Enjoyed my first visit to your fabulous blog! I will be back. x

    • Melany May 29, 2013 at 3:36 pm #

      Aww! So happy you like it! Crushing back –

  8. Georgie October 19, 2013 at 8:56 pm #

    I missed this one since I just became a fan. I guess I need to start at the beginning. You got this one right. It is so entertaining to people watch on long road trips. I know how I look sometimes. My mom once told me that I should always look my best when walking out the door b/c ya never know who You will see. Guess that’s true.
    Your comments about honesty amongst friends is so spot on. Got a few of those myself. Love the sausage reference.
    Love your frankness and how you spin it. Great insight. If we can’t laugh at ourselves……….

    • Melany October 20, 2013 at 7:44 pm #

      Thanks for the comment and happy you enjoyed it~

  9. Heather Fawcett January 12, 2014 at 3:26 pm #

    Great Post and I just love mrs piggy.

    • Melany January 13, 2014 at 7:05 pm #

      OMG LOVE IT! Thank you so much. One of my favs.

  10. Ray G June 9, 2016 at 3:09 pm #

    Hey Melany,
    Just read this and the comments. This is so true. It’s not that you are picking on people but you want people to realize that sometimes you just need to look in the mirror. Doesn’t matter what shape or size you are it is a matter that you should not follow trends. Not all clothes, makeup, etc. is for one size fits all. So people should realize that.
    No name calling, just pure fun at no one in particulars expense. Very entertaining and keep it up. For those bothered by it they need to grow some>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    • Melany June 10, 2016 at 8:11 am #

      Thanks! I appreciate you appreciating my snarkiness. SNARK ON!

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