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I’m not making this up

Whether I’m creeping on Match.com or hitting on her at the bar, the first thing I look at is a girl’s face. Okay, maybe it’s the second thing – after her rack. But the point is I want a girl I can wake up next to the next morning and not be horrified to see in daylight. After reading Melany’s post about dumb people and terrible beauty advice the other day, I’d like to offer some makeup tips of my own: ladies, ditch the clown paint.

Look, I’m all about accentuating your natural beauty (or whatever you call what you’re doing) with some tastefully applied mascara or eyeliner, and I can think of a few places I’d be okay with you leaving some lipstick marks. But there’s nothing less attractive than a girl with a second face caked onto her first one.

I’m not trying to date Bozette the Clown, and I definitely don’t want to sleep with a girl who looks like a member of KISS. If you have sparkles and multiple colors on your face, the only way I’m interested is if I just saw you perform in Cirque de Soleil (if you can contort your body like that, though, call me – we’ll get along just fine).

I want to know I can count on you to look more or less the same after you wash your makeup off, so show me your actual face from the get-go. If this is going to be long-term (i.e., you plan on getting brunch together the next day), I’m going to want to see you in the shower or early in the morning, when you won’t have your Halloween face paint kit handy.

So go ahead and wipe off that mask – I want to get to know you. I’ll find out what you look like without it eventually, so be real with me. If I were interested in a girl with her skin painted blue, I’m sure I could find some Avatar porn, but that’s not what I’m into. And please no rhinestones! The last time I was into a girl who liked those was second grade art class.

I want a natural woman (okay, some parts of you can be enhanced). Plus, I don’t want your top two layers of foundation rubbing off on my sheets while you sleep. They have a very high thread count. But if you wipe that makeup off, can I tempt you to get between them?

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