I was sitting at a bar last night, drinking my goose and soda while Bret Michaels sang to me, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” and I wondered what the hell is he talking about because roses have way more than just one thorn? The cliché sayings that sound beautiful screeched in a high pitch tone, out of longhaired rocker’s mouths don’t always make sense. Yet, we sing and say things like these all the time. We use weird sayings to make sense of situations when we don’t understand or can’t explain what the hell is going on in any other way. Old sayings have been around forever and still apply today because people are weird and do stupid shit. History repeats itself (and there is another one) but so do stupid people who do stupid things so these terms come in handy.
Here are some sayings and the immediate random thoughts that populate in the squishy, overthinking, ADD and OCD thing between my ears.
-Karma is a bitch!
So am I. But, if she is such a bitch – where has she been hiding her superpowers? I see assholes never having to dance with her. She is late. Someone call and get her ass to work. Her smart phone must be broken. (click the snarky tweet to tweet this!)
-Dumber than a bag of hammers.
Whoever coined this phrase was probably dumb too. How dumb is a bag of hammers? How the hell would I know? Have you ever talked to a hammer? Me neither but I still use this term. *This is a good place to point out that some of these old sayings have had variations attached to them like:
Dumber than a box of hair.
Dumber than a doorknob.
Dumber than paint.
Dumber than a bag of rocks.
Dumb as a stump.
….I guess you can fill in the blanks with whatever utility tool, coloring utensil or hairy word you are currently fond of referencing to express whatever point you were trying to make.
-It will happen when you least expect it.
If I am not expecting “it”, how will I know what “it” is if I want
“it” to happen? How does this make sense? So, should I want something and then pretend I don’t want “it” and then that magical “’it” will happen? That is the new plan. Hope I am a good liar to myself so I won’t expect “it”.
-It is not you, it is me.
It is definitely you, not me. I do know that you don’t want to be with me because I don’t want to be with you. That must be it!
-It will come back to haunt you.
Like the burrito I ate last night?
-Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.
What came first the chicken or the egg? How do I know when to start counting? Let me know. When I do have the right amount of eggs, is it ok to take a risk only then not before?
-You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
This means people never change. People change like when they go in a tanning bed one color and come out orange. It’s kinda cool.
-You don’t know what you have until it is gone.
Yes. Just like toilet paper.
-Rome wasn’t built in a day.
I know. but in this day and age a 22 year old can create, build, post an idea on Kickstarter and be a millionaire in less than 24hours with an idea like a motorized pooper-scooper.
-All that glitters is not gold.
The outside of my first condo here was gorgeous…….from the outside. But, did you read that post? Jiminy Cricket.
Plus, right now the price of gold is so expensive that it is probably plated and will turn your finger green.
-Out of sight. Out of mind.
Just like when you move cities and you don’t hear from one person from the city you recently inhabited for two years. Then, you move and the phone suddenly works. It’s magic!
-It is not over until the fat lady sings.
Sings what? Is it the same fat lady every single time? She must be tired from all of my failed relationships.
-A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush.
I still have no idea what the hell this means but I like birds. And bushes are cool.
-It’s what is on the inside and not on the outside that matters.
So, just go to a job interview in your pajamas and you will be fine as long as you are a nice person deep down instead. Let me know how that works out for you.
-Happy as a clam.
I can’t really tell that a clam is ever happy. The only time they express themselves are when they are screaming in scalding hot water. Honestly, I don’t like hot tubs that much and when I scream I am usually unhappy.
-Don’t steal my thunder.
Tho shalt not steal…..anything. Especially thunder. No one wants to hang out with a buzzkill.
-A leopard doesn’t change his spots.
He does not because he has nothing else to wear. Also, they didn’t have Nordstroms when these sayings were coined so I am sure the leopard would definitely change into something more flattering if given a shopping opportunity.
-Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
What like stealing people’s ideas or creations? Flattering. No.
I thought that was called stealing? Refer to the 10 commandments, which are “old as dirt “– (that’s another one, but you get it).
-Blondes have more fun.
Yes, this is true. Just ask me.
-If you build it, they will come.
I did and he never showed up. Do you know if Price Charming made a wrong turn? Get him a new GPS.
-You shouldn’t settle.
If I would have settled I would have ended up with a guy in a banana hammock. I like hammocks. but on trees.
-It is only Rock n’ Roll but I like it.
I love it and it is not “only” it is “everything” – write that down!
-Liar, liar, pants on fire.
It would be funny if a liar’s pants actually caught on fire. That would mean we would all be running around with explosive undergarments.
-Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Really? What are you made out of? I want some of that. Words do hurt. Didn’t your mom teach you anything?
-Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Fonder of traveling back and forth and dealing with packing and unpacking which are my least favorite things to do ….like ever.
-Big hat no cattle.
This is one of my favorites and refers to lovely people who drive their rent a.k.a. “The $30,000 millionaire”. Next.
-Beauty is pain.
No shit. How else do you explain me not being able to feel either pinky toe on both of my feet after walking in 6inch spikes all night long.
-Crazy like a fox.
I thought if you were a fox, it meant you were hot? Right? So, I want to be ? fox and ? not fox. What does that look like?
-Born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
Isn’t gold more expensive?
-Birds of a feather flock together.
This isn’t always true because then I would be coo coo and be forced to hang out in the bush with the other two birds.
Melanysguydlines #72- Snarky is as snarky does.
*** Feel free to add to this list.
**Stay snarky my friends!**